Hidden.

I feel like I did something wrong. Like I don’t deserve any of this. It’s all a dream, it’ll go away eventually. Why did it start out the way it did, why couldn’t he yave been single? Why, why, why. It hurts. He looked so much happier before. And I ruined that. Like I always do. I get in the middle of people and destroy what was a perfectly good relationship. Or I end up doing it to myself. I get in this mode of thinking and start to hold back. To fade away. To hide, stay hidden. If you loved someone so much before how could you possibly love someone else half as much. You don’t have that much to give. It sucks. Idk what to think. I need to stop. Take a deep breath. And enjoy what I have right now..in the moment. Stop over thinking. Stop worrying. Just relax! It’s in God’s hands. If its not meant to be it wont. If he didnt care he wouldnt be here still. I guess its just cause this is all so new to me. None of this has ever happened before. The comfort, the security, the compassion. Its incredible, and its what God intended to be here on Earth as an example of His love for us. But its so hard for me to allow it…still! ughh. so annoyed with myself. At times i’ll let go. Let my guard down, have fun, be funny, laugh, smile, enjoy myself. Going with the flow. Then out of nowhere I freak out. Cold feet. Scared. What if it doesn’t last. Bam. That’s when God slaps me right in the face and says “uhh hulloo, ya gotta just trust!” Trust that everything happens for a reason. Even timing. Yahh, easy for you to say, you know whats gonna happen!

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One thought on “Hidden.

  1. I love how real this is. It’s raw and it’s vulnerable and it’s so cool to see how you’ve let your faith emerge into this painful landscape as I enter into your posts in medias res. I can’t say anything that will take away some of the pain–that’s not my job–but I will say something like this must be easier to swallow as you let Christ enter into these wounds, where He can work His miracles. Look forward to reading more from you as your journey through life and faith progresses! :)

    –Mike

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