Plastic Bag.

Sometimes life is like a plastic bag thrown into the wind!

No will.
No way.
No choices.
No direction.
No path to be guided by.

At the slightest whim, It picks you up and lifts you high.
Just as fast as it takes an abrupt slam downwards.
Only to take you on a rollercoaster of waves, passing everything by.
Eyes closed.
Not even realizing what is going on around you.
Becoming numb to the bobbing and weaving of the world.
All until…
You hit a fence.
There your stuck.
There is when you open your eyes and realize that there’s no where else to go.
For a moment the wind stops.
And you drop,
humbly down to your knees.
That’s it, you’re FREE!
The world has no hold on you!!
Eyes open and fully aware of every toss, turn, high and low!
YOU are in control!!
Choices are now made by YOU!
How you want to react!
How you want to respond!

The choice is yours…
Live your life the way YOU want to,
not the way the world has taught you to.

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To Give & To Receive.

SO…they say that it is better to give than to receive.

My first reaction to this is OF COURSE IT IS!!
Giving is easy. Giving is simple!
Who doesn’t get pleasure and satisfaction from gift of GIVING!

Naturally, I was born a giver.
To me my purpose in life: making others happy!
Whether that be by giving gifts, caring, loving, being a listener, or just simply being there…I know I was put on this Earth to GIVE!

Fast forward to now….
The season is filled with JOY!
Filled with the laughs, the smells, the memories of Christmas!
My days are consumed with what I am buying for who and how they will react!
When giving is of the essence I think I’ve hit full capacity!
I simply cannot think of anymore that I could give.

That my friends, was when I realized that I have not actually been giving at all.
Dun. Dunn. DUNNN!
Cue the typical “True Meaning of Christmas” sermon here….

HONESTLY!
It was there, right in front of my FACE!

Here, in the midst of Christmas and all that it brings.
I am laying in floor thinking of how I have completely dropped the ball.
My thoughts racing…being consumed by how I will receive happiness from giving.
How I will receive joy from others opening their gifts.
When in fact, I have not given what I hold most important to me.

It seems minuscule, to think about the intangible gifts.
The gifts that aren’t measurable by the amount of money spent,
or wrapped in shiny paper topped with a bow under the tree.
A gift doesn’t count unless it can be opened and reacted to, right?

Wrong.
Giving is not always easy.
Giving is not always simple.
To the people who surround me and love me the most, I withhold the ultimate gift.
Setting all materialistic things aside, I realized that I simply have not given the gift of trust
The gift that means the most for me to GIVE
The gift that means the most for them to RECEIVE

After much thought and deliberation….
This season I am giving the gift of TRUST!

These moments are intangible.
These moments are the ones that are truly priceless!

My purpose: to be vessel of light to others!
To give gifts that go much farther than what the eye can see.
To give gifts that build upon the foundation that we have laid out.
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that light isn’t fueled by me

Please HELP!

So there’s this guy…and he’s pretty much my favorite! :)

Over the weekend he was involved in a really bad dirt bike accident. We have been in the hospital for four days now hoping and praying for a speedy recovery. He has a broken scapula, a couple broken ribs and a collapsed lung. A pretty crappy situation.

On the bright side: he is alive, PRAISE THE LORD!
On the down side: he is out of work for at least the next 4-6 weeks…
No way of working means no way to pay bills-kinda scary.

SO with nothing to lose we have setup a gofundme donation account!
If you can help in ANY way, you’re pretty much AMAZING and we can’t thank you enough!!

https://www.gofundme.com/th55wge8

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Stupid School.

I’m not cut out for this.
The desire is there….but the money isn’t.
Which just turns everything upside down.
And I’m so tired of having to jump through hoops and over hurdles.
why does everyone else have it so easy.
dumb.
I WANT to finish school. I want to make a life for myself. A good life that is, not just serving in the restaurant industry. 
literally a roller coaster.

Praying for favor with the state. Praying for incredible financial aid. Praying for confidence. 

60 Little Tips That Can Change a Girl’s Life

LOVE this!

SERENDIPITY AND CREATIVITY

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One small step for girls, one giant leap for womankind.
  1. Download a banking app.
  2. Drink more herbal tea. It will save your life.
  3. Making your own coffee/tea instead of buying it will make you a rich woman.
  4. Always have at least 6 chap sticks stocked up.
  5. Check out thrift stores. You may have to wash things three times before you get the old lady smell out, but it’s well worth it.
  6. Never buy cheap jeans.
  7. Buy cheap sunglasses instead.
  8. Don’t chase boys.
  9. Wrinkle spray and a hair dryer erase all need to ever use an iron for all of you lazy ironers like me.
  10. Wear slippers when you have to drive in heels.
  11. Wear slippers when you’re travelling.
  12. Wear slippers at all moments that it’s even slightly acceptable to wear slippers.
  13. Spend a little extra money on your make up; it’s so worth it.
  14. Get running sneakers that are actually…

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here&now.

TODAY.
Took a nice brisk walk early this morning. It’s cold, but the kind of damp cold that gives you a glimpse of warmer temperatures coming later in the day! And. I.Cannot. Wait. Spring & Summer feel like they’re in arms reach…here, but not quite here. Yesterday was so nice, mid fiftys and I felt like I could walk around in a tshirt and shorts (okay not really, but practically) haha. Just so ready for warmer weather!

ME.
Welp. Still just serving away. haha. Trying to get all my ducks in a row for school in the fall! Which is exciting, but stressful all at the same time. I want to be finished, degree in hand and grinning from cheek to cheek! So close, yet so far away! Also super nervous about working  and going to school both full time. Starting to have my doubts that it’s even possible. What if I’m not meant to be a teacher? And this financial wall is a sign that it’s just not meant to be. Ughh. Struggling, alone.

LanaRae.
Time to admit…my dog is overweight. :( umm. sucks. and nothing I’m doing is working. She’s a weimaraner, but looks like a lab. Dumb. I’ve read and researched every blog and website and nothing has really helped. I serve her the right amount of food only two times a day. I pay an arm and a leg for the best of the best dog food (healthy weight edition) And we walk at least 4 to 5 times a day. Equation for a tiny dog….NOPE. Aggravating. So I guess the next step is going to the (dreaded) vet. Skinny little LANA…here we come! IMG_2957

MY GOD.
The main man who holds my heart! Gosh as I go day to day I start to truly realize what it means to give it all to God!

To FULLY abandon myself to HIS will!

My journey with Christ has taken me so many places. Experiencing joys & obstacles along the way, I continue to strive toward Jesus. His guidance. His will. His plan for my life. HIS PLAN, not mine. haha. I definitely have to say I’m a stubborn hard headed person, who usually strives to be right. I have a million things going on all at the same time and typically end up worrying about every single one of them! Attempting to take them into my control and failing, miserably. This is where Jesus ALWAYS steps in. Saving me from my own downfalls and lifting me up to see the big picture. Picking me back up time after time…with grace and mercy, and encouragement! So thankful for his unconditional love in my life!

Bliss.

This is, happiness!
The season. The friends. The love of my life!

Here’s to 2014! Everything feels so surreal! I have a great job, although I’m still serving in a restaurant…it’s a job, and I make great money! I have great friends who are there for me…whether it  be to vent, to go out to dinner, to go to the dog park, to go get sushi, to catch up with, to have rainy movie days, to dye our hair, or to cut my hair! :) They are there. and I love them! I have a great family, both mine & his! Both there to support me in any endeavor I may find myself in, path I may be strolling down, or jump I may be risking to take. They are there ready to encourage, support and challenge me! And of course I have a great boyfriend! One who loves me no matter what. Who is there to meet my every need (the simple needs of a girlfriend that is) haha. Who tells me I’m beautiful and still seems to sweep me off my feet. One to lay in bed with on a cold afternoon and watch the Lorax. Or to go out and have a fun filled day out and about. One who likes to take me out, and opens my door for me! One who snuggles up close and kisses me softly! One who is patient and loving and kind enough to explain every little part of football, even when I still don’t seem to understand what’s going on. The guy who loves to make me breakfast in bed and wants to take my dog to the park! The guy who makes me smile uncontrollably and laugh with total abandon. Is this real life?? How did I end up this blessed! Trying new things, cooking new things. This is today. This is me. This is my life! And I couldn’t be more grateful!

This is, bliss.

Tis’ the Season!

It’s almost Fall here in the the good ole Tennessee Valley!
And man oh man am I ready!
SO much that the month of September entails!

FIRST, we have my personal favorites…
Scarves. Boots. AND coffee!!
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SECONDLY, we have THE FAIR!
To sum it up=a giddy & child-like me, haha. Where my better half isn’t too fond of mass crowds full of sugar crazed kids and an obnoxious array of smells. He puts up with it once a year just for me to get my fill of funnel cakes, ferris wheel rides, carmel apples {on the occasion} and a plethora of carnival festivities! Can I add how thankful I am for his cooperation and willingness to make me happy! :)

lomo_effect_county_fair_by_nicoleelise-d4jaco3_large large-2THEN we have the season!
the breeze. multi-colored leaves. the 70s. pumpkins. bonfires. spices. & pies.
I am obsessed with this weather, not only is it a best friend to my closet, but it puts me in such a happy mood! I love just sitting on my back porch with coffee in hand embracing the beautifully painted masterpiece surrounding me!
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And of course, I can’t leave out the pies!
I am determined to perfect THE HOMEMADE PIE!
AppleBlueberryBlackberry…I’m all on it!

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Well, here’s to fall!
Grab some cider and toast with me!

The Comparison Trap.

Always wanting what I don’t have.

Healthy…no. But true.
It’s hard to not get caught up in the whirlwind of one thing after another.
One minute it’s the new iPhone, and in a blink of an eye I have a pup, an apartment, and a basket full of bills. From one thing to the next. And boyyy is it addictive.
A worldly standard at its finest.

And for me, it starts to envelop and weave its way into every little aspect of my life. From something as simple as the way I dress and the color of my hair. Then leaping forward to comparing my relationship status to someone else’s. Most recently I’ve been sucked into this rapid river of lies. The way we spend are free time, the way we’re seen by others, the pace of our relationship. Talk about putting us in a box and sucking all the air out! But having since come to this epiphany, I think I’ve taken a couple steps back and really looked at what I have, where I’ve been, and where I’m striving to go. I can honestly admit that patience is my worst virtue! I mean I just straight up suck at it! Haha. And of course it seems to be fit that patience is one of the key components to love!

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” 1Corinthians 13:4-7

This is what I desire. To be this for him in any and every way! Day by day I’m proven how much my man really does care. How much he loves me, cares about me, and wants to be my best friend for the rest of our lives! He’s been building his trust back from ground up. A whole new foundation and a really a whole new person! He’s affectionate, he’s kind, and responds instead of reacting (for the most part that is) But I can also take fault for losing my temper every now and then! ;) It’s the little kisses, the “i love you’s”, the snuggles for no reason, the flowers, the dinners, the encouragement and man oh man the support! The way we work out problems and overcome struggles. The way we’re growing in Christ and building towards our future! It’s just truly been an incredible and overwhelming past 3 months. Only looking toward all the blessings yet to come! Yah yah, so why worry right?? I guess it’s just the little girl inside of me that’s scared of the past. Scared of “what could happen”. But in no way is that healthy, for me or for us. So here’s to what’s to come, a toast! All the smiles, the laughter, the joy! The rough times, and the hills. I’m ready to take it on with a new perspective. A more positive trusting perspective. I’ve chosen to forgive and look towards the happily ever after I’ve always wanted for us. I know the day is coming, at least I really hope so! Haha. I just gotta be patient and let him do his thing! It hasn’t been easy and I’m sure it won’t get any easier, but I’m ready to take on that challenge. To me it’s all worth it!! Im so ready to take a back seat to God! To give Him full and total control! He has blessed me with SO much up to this point. The least I can do is just trust Him and have faith it’s all in his timing.
A Christian standard at its finest!

love.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails…”

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

in this moment.

No regrets.
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New Obsession.
Elbow Patches.
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Once an artist.
Always an artist.
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Caught in a ray of sunshine! Blessed by God!
Can’t stop smiling, couldn’t be happier.
tumblr_llymw98pzo1qh588j_largeCan’t wait to be married one day.
Every girl’s dream.
To be unconditionally loved.
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SEVEN more days till my new HOME. 3429361297_c579e0d6ea_thumb

KEEP A SECRET…NEW TATTOO=April 15th.



APRIL.

Gahh Lee!!!!
I am beyond BLESSED! Literally, beyond. April here we come!!!
It is gonna be the BEST BIRTHDAY MONTH yet! Taking in each day alongside Christ and I could not be happier! We’ve had amazing beautiful weather that makes you wanna just walk around grinning from cheek to cheek! And I have so much support and love surrounding me at all sides! My immediate family as well as my boyfriends family! I loveee them with all of me and couldn’t be more thankful for everything they do for me!! The past few months have been crazy but with them, Jesus, and my friends…I’ve made it!!
Everything has fallen into place all in God’s timing and I’m sooo excitedddd!!!
Geez SO much going on in APRIL! Where do I even begin?!

THE APARTMENT.
So I got the apartment! Whoop Whoop! Move-in day is APRIL 7th ya’ll! I feel like this new place is gonna change my life!! Haha dorky? maybe. But it’s honestly like a whole new chapter. My OWN place. With my little bedroom, bath, living room, dining room and kitchen! Eeek!! Me and Lana doin what we want, when we want! I can’t wait to decorate everything and get settled in! And I’m excited to paint!! Think I’m gonna do some accent walls. But haven’t really decided on what and where. I’ve been doing some apartment shopping (which is soo much fun when you actually have money btw) haha. And Im the proud new owner of pots, pans, tubberware, cutting boards, a couch, and entertainment center!!! Holy cow.
13 days.

    ...       ...

 

BIRTHDAYS.
So people say April is the month of showers. Literally, yes. Figuratively, most definitely! God has been showering me with blessing after blessing, along with HIS grace, mercy, and love! Not only is this MY BIRTHDAY month. But it’s all of the people I love soo much’s too! Christy, bekah, my brother, and my two best friends!! Eeek! What a great month full of JOY, LOVE, and HAPPINESS!
So…TWENTY-TWO! Whooo Hooo!

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Can’t believe I’m in my twenties already, let alone past the age of being able to legally drink. But with this age, and this month. It’s bringing a whole new light to my life. A maturity if you will. A confidence. An air about myself. I’ll be on my own again and this time it’s literally just me.
Well me and LanaRae. haha. It’s a whole new journey! And I gotta admit…IM SO EXCITEDD!! For everything twenty-two has in store! So I’ve been shopping for the apartment so much, making sure I’m prepared and all…I haven’t really gotten to spend any “me” money!

So with it being my birthday…it seems fit to spill my birthday wishes!tumblr_lus0ffrYcf1qdjl1do1_500_largeUmm….YES PLEASEEE!!!
But I guess these are more realistic…haha.
tumblr_mgbrmvPSnv1s2947uo1_500_large755398-10-1339356379087_largeSo if the apartment isn’t a big enough birthday present to myself…I would love a pair of black hunter rainboots!! Also in love with this purple-y down jacket made by Columbia! Umm…maybe throw in some packages of 600 polaroid film, oh and Viva La Juicy! Other than that…just whatever is cute and petite and vintage like or would be good for a new home!
17 DAYS.

RYAN COMING HOME.
Ahh geez. Lets see.
Excited. Nervous. Thrilled. Scared. Can’t Wait. Vulnerable.
It’s been soo long since I’ve seen his face. Since I’ve heard his voice. Since I’ve held his hand. Or kissed his lips. I miss movie nights. date nights. makin dinner together. waking up next to him. snuggling against his body. being the little spoon. makin out. hookin up. going to the park. going to play disc golf. Gosh the memories are endless.
In two days it’ll be a year and a half.
A YEAR AND A HALF!

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Seems like eternity. Gosh, how in the heck did I get this far with someone?!! Only God! Cause He knows me and my heart! The only reason I’ve made it these past three months without ry, is CHRIST. I love this boy with everythingg in me and cannot WAIT for all God has in store for us! The way he wants to lead us, guide us, direct our path! Our relationship is in HIS hands. But like I said I’m scared. Scared of ever being hurt. And nervous. Nervous to allow myself to be vulnerable. Not gonna lie, I dont think it’s gonna be easy what. so. ever. But who knows, maybe everything will be great and go right back to normal with no hesitations. I want him homeeee! The anticipation is killing me!
33 DAYS.

TO BE.

Smile every chance you get.  Not because life has been easy, perfect, or exactly as you had anticipated, but because you choose to be happy and grateful for all the good things you do have and all the problems you know you don’t have.

-Unknown.

This week=crazy!
My expectations have been shattered!
The Lord has done and shown me so many things this week!

I feel loved. I feel whole. I feel NEW!
Sunday is the beginning of the new week.
And my week started with all new wisdom! Wisdom about who I am in Christ, who I wanna be in Christ, and what I want to be for ryan in Christ! To be so blinded by the fact that ryan is gone, I almost missed the biggest picture that God is trying to lay out before me! A picture that will not only help me in this time of need and strengthen our relationship, but strengthen ME!! Wow…hope you’re comfy and settled in a nice little spot, cause this make take a hot second!

So at first I was mad. I was sad. I was angry.
That God would put me in a situation where the (ONE PERSON) who makes me the happiest is a million miles away. With no way of meeting my expectations of always being happy.
FAIL. FAIL. FAIL.
This is my epiphany.
The light bulb that shot off fireworks.
One Person.
He is just one person.
And that my friend, is not right nor fair for anyone!!
I can’t believe I’m the one who was pushing him away, ME!
SINCE WHEN!! Was I this person??
Never in my life have i been a DEPENDENT person.
Never.
And the word itself makes me cringe a little.
Maybe that’s why…maybe that’s why I’ve never fully given all of myself to Christ. The fear of being completely dependent on ONE person. But yet here I am, a person who was depending on one person to make me happy! Ridiculous.

So (whoo hoo) step one admitted.
I’ve been so unfair to completely rely on ryan to make me happy.
Which in the end will just smother him and distance us.
I know, like distance is even a issue right now….
but really, for the long run of our relationship! It’s only gonna make us stronger!
And I honestly have already seen a change, not only in the situation but in me!
I’ve been hanging out with all my friends more, working my butt off, and loving my park days with LanaRae!
Every day has been Christ and Christ alone!! Depending and trusting HIM FULLY every step of the way! I wouldn’t be able to do it without HIM!

Step two, getting into a community. A christian group of people who I can fellowship with and who challenge me to grow stronger in Chirst! Sunday I went with my boyfriends mom to a bible study, hesitant…I was. But OH MY GOSH was it amazing!!!!! Even though the majority of the ladies were married it was such an incredible time of fellowship and digging into their current book, TIm Kellers, The Meaning of Marriage. And even though I’m not married yet…I will be one day and everything they were talking about were things I can apply to my relationship now! Which gets me so excited for the future!! I want to be there spiritually for my husband, and lift him up to God, and encourage him everyday, and challenge him in his walk with Chirst!
Ahhhh!!!
Can you tell I’m excited!!!
God could not have shown up more than He already has! Wow.

So step three, starting to re-mend my relationship with my dad.
Everything is a lot better than it was, and I love my dad
BUT
For now we’re just gonna skip this step….
I still have a lot of praying to do.

Step four, moving out.
Now this has been quite complicated.
But Im just gonna have faith that if this is God’s plan then it’ll all work out and be just fine.

The Color Red.

The past couple years my favorite color’s been red.
To me the color of joy!
Not like a deep burgundy red, more like a bright cherry red.
I just couldn’t get enough of it!
My old bed sheets were my first red purchase.
And each day it was like a burst of happiness!
…wondering if that was the secret to always waking up in a good mood! ha.

But now the color red.
The color of love, romance, and lust.
Has a whole new meaning to me…
It’s sweeped the isles of walmart, target and kroger.
And has definitely weaseled its way right into my heart.
Trying to act like I dont care about valentines day is a lot harder than I expected.
Yeah I can fool anyone at work, being one of the few who voluntarily signed up to work valentines night….might I add that I may have actually been the first one on the list! Awesome, lets make some moneyy. But really. Lets talk about a heartache. Im the lonely girl who everyone knows boyfriend left her here in knoxville while he went off to spain for five months. Sweet. Throw me a pity party pleasee. But seeing all the cheezy boxes of chocolates and balloons and roses. I always end up walking out with tears welling in my eyes.

(why couldn’t God have just made me a boy) Really. No periods. No emotions.

To know i’ll be all alone on valentines just working my butt off to make everyone else’s evening perfect makes me sick to my stomach. Especially while my boyfriend is a million miles away in a beautiful romantic city probably having a lovely sweet wine filled evening with his friends. Once again,,,someone please cue the sad sarcastic sobbing audience behind me.

I just don’t know how well this is all working for me. Distance is not my thing. Nor will it ever be. And to consider long terms here. I dont know if I can marry an INTERNATIONAL business major. That means lots of traveling!! And where I would hope that would mean lots of traveling for me too…I have a gut feeling that means a lot of him traveling and me alone. And not gonna lie, that doesn’t sound too great to me!! At all.

:Sidebar:
So with nothing else to do with my time but drink coffee and knit…..but honestly.
I’ve been running/walking a lot in the neighborhood with LanaRae. And I have to say this has been pretty great for me! I was already a lover of walks, especially since I realized it was vital for my canine companion. But it’s now become a routine. Allowing me to get the daily exercise I’ve been needing and also allowing lana to get all her bottled up energy out! But I’ve recently started leaving my ipod at home. And its been so dang pretty outside, I’ve just wanted to take it all in. Cheezy, yes. I know. haha. But the sundown against all the houses and trees, is so amazing! It feels like God is right there with me!! So with no music slowly but surely making my hearing worse, I’ve started to battle with my own thoughts. Wanting to clear my head and breathe in the fresh air, while also letting a million new thoughts and questions all bombard me at once.
Seeing all the pretty perfect houses makes me want a family more than anything! Anything in the entire world!!! I want a man who’s my best friend, who loves me for me and nothing more, who wants to be there for me when I’m sick, and there to wipe my tears when I’m sad. I want someone who’s happy when I’m happy and laughing right along side me. I want a man who wants to give everything they’ve worked for to raise a family right! I want a man who wants to be a father!! Someone who wants to play tea with their little girl, and throw a football with their boy! I want a husband who puts his family first. Who tucks his kids in with a bedtime story and a prayer…with me right there in the bed with them! I want that smile. That pure and selfless happiness! I want to be a wife! I want to make meals for my husband when he gets home, and have crazy passionate sex! I want to take trips together and enjoying chilling on the couch together just the same! I want to be a mother! Someone who gives with nothing expected in return. Someone who loves unconditionally and prays without ceasing! I want a swing set in the backyard where I can push my kids in the fall while watching my love grill dinner right next to us. I want a family. Soooo bad.
Life’s too short and goes by too fast. I’m afraid of missing my opportunity. I’m afraid he may not want all the things I want. I’m afraid he may not want them when I want them.
All I can do is have faith.
That this is God’s plan and he knows my heart.

I’m just so scared….

In the motion.

So one month down.
Gosh how I wish I was there.
The beauty. The stillness. The essence. 
Maybe one day i’ll be blessed enough to take it all in,
but for now just hearing about it will have to suffice.

So I kinda feel like I’m just going through the motions!
Work. Eat. Dog Park. Eat. Sleep. 
hahah. good stuff.
I’ve actually been taking little adventures with lanarae!
One day we got up early and went on a little walking trail down the street, and then another day we took a trip to the lake and walked out to the pier and they have these cute little benches. It was so peaceful, but very freezing!! Holy moly knoxville is cold. Ha. So ready for spring and summer to get here! Tan skin, skirts, tank tops, windows down, ice cream, pool days…ahh what could be better! In knoxville that is. 
So thankful for family these days!! The love and encouragement to keep my head up and stay strong has been so amazing! I don’t know what I’d do without all the support! But really,, I’d probably just roll over and die. haha.
My mornings are getting back to consistency. Waking up each morning with my cup of joe and Jesus Calling devotional with lanarae against my side have been some of the best spent minutes in my life right now! I couldn’t ask for happier moments!
Ryan is still having an amazing time in every moment of spain! I can tell how happy he is, and how he jumped straight into their world and made it his. It’s amazing to see how embracing a culture that beautiful can start to change someone! In all his pictures he truly looks happier!! But he’s done such an amazing job of capturing his life in spain and putting it into words for us to see and feel the bigger picture, almost as if we’re there too!
Check it out at http://mwalke59.wordpress.com/

So I decided to venture out into the party scene last night and man was that a bad idea. For all of ya’ll who know me and my personality. This is definitely not it. ha. I think sometimes I try too hard to be something I’m not. To try and fit a mold that wasn’t made for me. Last night showed me a lot. I woke up feeling stupid, dumb, empty, shameful, and belittled. Just from drinking! I didn’t do anything bad, I wasnt illegally drinking, and I didn’t do anything that I’d regret…and yet I still woke up regretful! I think I’m done with drinking, ha forever. Minus my occasional strawberry daiquiri, its just not for me. Those people look happy and act like they’re having a good time when really it’s just a whole bunch of emptiness! Like the point where people can’t control their thoughts and actions and four beers down and they’re loose and crazy with all moral boundaries out the window. Thats what scares me. The devil is sneaky. And will find a way to ruin anything good in my life. And I can’t believe I almost gave the opportunity to do just that. Drinking for me is like leaving the door open for him to come right on in and mess everything up. Thankful I had angels lookin out for me and nothing bad happened. But the thought that it could have makes me so mad at myself! I’ve had Christ next to me every step of the way this past month and then one night could’ve ruined it all. Who am I?? 
But today’s a new day and Im so happy for that!! Superbowl sunday and the whole family is together enjoying each others company! So great!! The only thing that could make this day better is if I had my man right next to me gettin our football sundays on. ://

Three more months.

Week One.

So.
Here we are, day seven.
To those of you reading and unaware, my boyfriend left for Barcelona, Spain for five months. He was blessed beyond measure with an amazing opportunity to study abroad in such a beautiful country. Taking classes at the university while embracing every second of the culture. The only downside to this whole sha-bang, is that he is there…while I’m still stuck in the states.
TRAGIC, i know.
But since he’s been gone I’ve had the opportunity to take a closer look at who I am, where I’m going, and what I’m striving to be. It’s almost as if Christ has planned this all out perfectly in HIS timing! Not that I would ever want ryan to leave me again like this or will I ever let him, haha. But since I have no choice and he’s already gone I might as well make the best of it and grow. Ryan being gone has allowed me to really lean on God and have faith and trust that this is all in His timing, His will, and its His plan.
CAPITAL. CAPITAL. UNDERLINE. NOT MINE!!
I have to surrender my everything and hand it over to him. He never intended for me to worry, stress, or be fearful. He would never want me to be sad or alone. But those are all the things that keep running through my mind. The devil has yet to give up and wont back down. But Im putting up a fight and he will not win.

Day seven. And not a day has passed without crying myself to sleep.
Even though I’ve been walking every step of the way with Christ, it still hasn’t gotten any easier that he wont be back tomorrow. Emotionally my heart has gone crazy. Now I’m usually not an emotional girl, I like to think I have some pretty tough skin. Especially for all I dealt with with my dad growing up. But gosh has this destroyed me. It’s pretty easy to go through the day without thinking about it or letting anyone know how bad it hurts. But then when I head home and just sit in my room still and alone…that’s when it hits me. And all of a sudden my strong hard exterior becomes a puddle of tears around me. Now I know this is just because he just left…but honestly he is my everything!! Besides Christ and my family , I want to one day marry this man and consider him a huge part of my life! He means the world to me and always will!! He makes me laugh and brings me joy. He knows how to cheer me up and make me smile. He has been so considerate and loving. So seven days has felt like an eternity apart.

So where he’s being distracted by new places, new food and new people…I’m still stuck in the same ole same ole routine. Minus him! ha. So a bunch of holes where he used to be or where we used to do things. Lovely. But like I said I feel like God has given me this opportunity to really get my own self straight before me and ryan continue on to grow stronger in our relationship. So I’m really gonna focus on my friendships, old and new. I want to re-mend old friendships that I stupidly pushed aside and I want to branch out and make new friendships with girls who can keep me accountable and have similar personalities to mine! And with ry being gone I have no other choice! haha.
SO other than all that…I picked up an extra job so I could stay busy and just focus on making some money and gettin myself a new car and apartment. Wish me luck that I dont go crazy! Ha. Im trying my hardest to have FAITH and TRUST!

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SEVEN.

Seven days.
The amount of space i have between now and when my man boards the plane headed off to Barcelona, Spain!
I can’t believe it’s actually here. To be honest these days were never actually happening in my head. I figured something would go wrong or the t’s wouldn’t be crossed. But here we are. Seven days. All the t’s are definitely crossed and he’s been so blessed to have nothing go wrong with this trip! What an incredible semester he is going to have!! I’m so proud and excited for him to get to enjoy and embrace everything about Spain. It’s a once in a life time chance to get to study and live in another country and I’m so happy he was able to make it all happen!
At this point I’m over being sad. This is obviously part of a bigger plan and if God wants us to work then this will barely be a speed bump! I pray for us. I want to trust and stay strong. I want to let him enjoy every moment and not be crazy! I want to let him do his thing and hope to be a part of it. He will most definitely be missed!!

I just don’t wanna be forgotten…

THANKFUL.

fear |fi(ə)r|
an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that
someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

PSALM 145:20
The Lord watches over all who love Him,
but all the wicked He will destroy.

fear to me is a lot of things…
Lets start with right now.
Right now I’m currently all moved in with my grandparetns. And by all…I mean I have some closet space, a place to store my food, a bed, and my LanaRae! Now not throwing my self a pity party , but it’s definitely not how I imagined the rest of 2012 would go. But that’s when I have to remember that this is not in my hands anymore, it’s in Gods. And I’ve been so blessed to have a family that’ll just let me crash their lifestyle for awhile until I can get back on my feet again. What scares me though…is what’s gonna happen next? What’s my next move gonna be? Where’s it gonna be? Who’s it gonna be with? At this point I literally have no answers, and that to me…is scary! I’m the type of girl who likes to have a plan. All figured out and set in place. But God is slowly starting to break me of that. Little by little He is doing things that MAKE ME rely on Him, and put all my trust in HIM! Which has been honestly life changing! I know all this change happening so sudden and so fast wasn’t too convenient for the worldly side of me, but Im so happy at where I’m at now that I’ve given God full control! I’ve been a happier person, and definitely more JOYFUL! And I feel the spiritual side of me feels so much closer to God now than I have in a really long time! Now I can’t let moving take all the credit, me and my boyfriend finally got back in church and he has been amazingly persistent on staying strong and putting God first! Keeping me accountable on living a God-centered life!

So we’ve been dating for over a year now and it’s been amazing!! Obviously no relationship is perfect (which I know I still can’t get through my head sometimes) but for what we have and what we’ve had….it’s been pretty darn close!! Despite the struggles, up and downs, and emotional sometimes crazy me I wouldn’t trade it for ANYTHING. I love that boy with all my heart and have had the best times I’ll never forget with him! He can make me laugh harder than anyone else and smile bigger than my happiest days. I never really understood dating until now, but being moved apart from living right next door has opened my heart to giving him his space and that space not being a bad thing. Before I thought if we weren’t together something was wrong. But im (slowly) realizing how relationships work, and how sometimes he may just want to be to himself, or want to hang with his friends. Its really hard, only because I feel like were going backwards rather than forwards….but I feel like once again it’s in God’s hands and this is what’s meant to happen. That starting off fresh and “going backwards” a little is only helping us to go forward stronger!

So that leads me to fear in the future..
So I’d say I’m starting to get a hang of giving ry his own time, his space. But here in the next month and a half he’s bout to have A LOT of spacee!! Erg. PAUSE. Let me begin my saying that he has been given a once in a lifetime amazing opportunity to study abroad in spain! Amazing, right?! I could not be happier for him to get to experience Spain! It’s culture, it’s heritage, it’s beauty, it’s views! All the people and the the food! Gosh I couldn’t be more jealous!!! And all while still going to school over there to study what he loves! It’s literally perfect! the only downside……………..it’s. five. moths. Five whole months!!!!! Of being away from me!!  Oh yeah, this is where I get scared! Now I get to be a little selfish (just a little). What the heck am I gonna do for five months?!!! I mean I know I’ll find stuff to occupy myself, maybe. But I won’t get daily communication. I wont get to hug him, kiss him, wrap my arms around him! No watching a movie snuggled up into him with his warm body against mine! No date nights. Literally no physical love. Ugghh. I need his fellowship! Im sure it’ll fly by. And I have lots of family, mine and his, who are all here to love on me while he’s gone….but it just sucks. And the worst part is he’s gonna be way too busy to care. I know he does, but Spain is just going to envelop his everything and become his new life. I’ll just be outta sight outta mind. :/ now i know five months will be forever for me, but for him it’ll seem like nothing! Im happy he gets to stay long enough to really get a grasp and enjoy spain after the initial awe of it all!

So to all you out there reading this, please pray!! Pray for me, pray for him, pray for our relationships with Christ, pray for safety in spain!

It’s not my plan.

So,
I have this thing where I think ideas are mine, and run with them! ha.
About halfway down the road I realize I have no idea where I’m even going…why?
Oh wait, cause it wasnt my plan to begin with. it’s HIS!
I can’t predict the destination if I don’t the route!
So this is me. Humbling myself. To the King of Kings. My Savior, My Lord.
I neeeeed you.
I need your help.
I need your guidance, your wisdom, your strength.
I want patience, kindness, and JOY that abounds and overflows.
I want to not be afraid.
to not feel alone.
surrounded by your angels and filled with your glory.
Just lead me!
I give it all to you!
All of me is yours!

A Little Less. A lot More.

Listen while you read!

So be prepared.
It’s been way too long…

It feels like today took forever to come. And then before I knew it, it was here, ONE YEAR. I have officially been dating my boyfriend one year! And yet it feels like a century. It’s been an amazing, crazy, smile filled journey that I wouldn’t trade for anything! I truly love this man of God with all my heart and can’t see my life without him.

Which scares me more than you’ll ever know.

A year ago today I wasn’t like this. I had my head on my shoulders with no one but myself to worry about. With no cares, no stress, no crazy emotional me. And now…here I am jealous, dependant, fearful, and full of emotions. Gosh I dont know what to do with myself! Im not as confident as I used to be, Im not in church as much as I’d like to be, I have no friends to fellowship with, and I feel like I need ryan to be with me or I fall apart! I dont like this me! I like independent me. Well not like single me, but the way I acted and carried myself when I was single. And Im sure ryan would that me more too.
Just sucks. I need help. I need Christ. I need friends. I love ry with all my heart and cant wait until we have a future together, but for right now i think living next door to each other is hindering our relationship. Just having one another always there gives no room for missing each other, or wanting to see each other, or that desire to do anything because we’re a wall away. This being my first relationship Im still getting my toes wet, and everything im doing is laying down new ground thats never been traveled. So I feel like I never got the story book side. Where I get picked up for dates, and left little sweet notes, and presents for no reason. Now I know im probably being completely foolish and selfish, but sometimes I feel like our living situation has taken that away from me. Which is my own fault.
Hopefully God has this all in His plan, and His timing! Because I surly don’t know what to do! But for now…Im giving it all to Him. Surrendering and handing all I have over to Him. I no longer want to worry or be scared. I want to live free in His glory and joy. I want to hold my head up with confidence and take in every moment I’m given!

LIGHTS.

I. am. BLESSED!

So the new job is absolutely an answered prayer!! Thank you Jesus for bringing this job my way, honestly perfect timing.

But to be real, wasn’t the best at first. It was so much to get done, ya know, checking things off the list to be able to work there and getting all my paperwork finished. Then on top of that it was my last week at my serving job. Just imagine…a bossy, old(soon to be retired), grumpy manager just dwindling down your attitude because you’re leaving his company soon. Doesnt quite put me in the best of moods. But thankfully it was my final and last day ever serving again! No more stress. No more stinky restaurant clothes. No more aprons. No more working nights, weekends or holidays.
Someone got themselves a big girl job!!….well kinda. Haha.
But I could not be in a happier point in my life right now! Not everything is going my way, but if it was then I wouldnt be able to appreciate all that was! So stepping to the side and looking at all that I have to be thankful for has been the best thing for me recently! God has given me an amazing loving family, an awesome sister/best friend/roommate, a loving, happy, full of joy LanaRae and an incredible one of a kind boyfriend! I would be crazy to have any reason to not be constantly thankful!! JOY has graciously showered down upon me recently and its been so nice to regain all that I once had not too long ago!
So in this consistent state of being happy and in a good mood I have found myself giddy like a child! Its back to little things. Like tickle fights. Cozied up snuggling. Bubble baths. Snorting. Laughing uncontrollably and way TOO loud! Haha. Its so comforting to be in the hands of the Lord!
The only tough patch in it all is the absence of a paycheck. Gosh, ya gotta know how hard it can be to go 4 weeks in between switching jobs with just no income. Straight craziness! Let me say. The devil will not win this battle now or ever. I watched him destroy my family with financial struggles and I wont allow him to do it again. So with all that I have in me Im just praying and trusting the Lord to watch over me and have faith He will provide! He always does! I just hope my eyes are open enough to be ale to recognize the little things! But through it all I have been SO undeservingly blessed by my boyfriend!! He has been there to hold my hand and walk me through it. And thankfully he has been blessed to be making the money he needs for his trip and also help me out with dinners lunches or date nights! Gahh, just LOVE him with all thats in me! Cant wait for our surprise trip in october! So excited!! Ill fill you in with more details to come!

Dont forget to PAUSE and SHINE you’re light!!

From divine to disaster.

So here’s how the week started…
Allright, as many of you dont know,,,I got a new job!!! Yay!! And wanna take any guesses on where?! YUPP, a preschool facility!! Holy Moly Excited!! Exactly what I was just telling you about and praying for! Thank you Jesus! Words cannot describe the JOY in my heart when she said I would be perfect for their school! My major is elementary education and this is literally what my major is all about! Not only am I gonna be obsessed with my job and all the little kiddos around me, but ill be still in school working towards my bachelors and building onto my resume for a career in teaching at a school! BLESSED. Thats really all there is to say about it! So that just built my week up to an all time high! Then the week followed with my mundane serving job, not so pleasant. But on the bright side of that only a week and a half to go! Whoo Hoo! The week started to wind down with good ole family sundays, and man are those fulfilling! Something about bringing the whole family together and all enjoying each others fellowship that makes my heart smile! :) Well the day was gonna end just perfectly by heading down to the dog park with my LanaRae, and well that didnt really go as planned. Walked in the door to a house enveloped in the smell of straight poop. Gross right?? Yeah tell me about it. Her crate, covered. The walls surrounding her crate, covered. The floor, covered. Lana Rae, covered. All in diarrhea. Ab-sol-ute-ly aw-ful. Honest to goodness I dont know how I managed to not throw up. So we get everything outside and my bright mind decides we’re STILL going to the dog park. I wasnt gonna let the devil ruin my good day/week. So we get in the car and about two solid minutes down the road Lana starts squirtin’ everywhere on my seats. Nasty!! I FREAK OUT, to all of you who know my personality, and start to panic…slowing down, putting on my brakes, swerving all over the road, screaming at lana,,,cause im at this point confused and angered. So as I proceed to abruptly make a u-turn of course lana is just rolling in her matter at this point, continuing to cover herself. Gross, once again! So we get home and I’ve got A MESS to handle. Yeah, this day topped my worse days ever chart! Imagine. Thankfully I had my mom there to hold the walmart bag while I scrubbed and wiped and srcubbed and wiped and used at least two whole rolls of papertowels. Gosh what a day. Thankfully I’m now sitting here, writing to you on my clean sheets, in my clean room, with my clean self, and clean Lana Rae laying next to me! Haha.
Until next time…

IMPETUOUSLY WANDERING.

impetuous |imˈpe ch oōəs|
adjective
acting or done quickly and without thought or care

This is me.
Currently.

Right now:
Im taking the summer to work, relax, get things done, and continue to fall head over heels for the one I love. That means trying to make money, spending that money, and continuing to passionately pursue my boyfriend in a loving, healthy, devoted, vulnerable, Godly manner. Gosh the privilege of being a girl sucks sometimes though. Besides the  monthly hey how ya doin’ emotional roller coaster, it seemed to a pretty rough month all together!
Man was it not pleasant to be around me!

The Job:
Well a day never ceases to pass where I’m not at work serving people food and asking “Would you like fries with that?” But I’d have to say that there is never a dull day serving in a sports bar and its one of the best jobs I’ve had in a long while! Even though I get those few people who just dont seem to care for life or being happy what.so.ever., I can never keep a smile off my face serving others. Im not sure if its the people, the atmosphere, or just the fact of being surrounded by a community of people who all wanna talk! But Im starting to find myself wanting a new job, dont get me wrong…I make really good money and love what I do but I’d like a solid 9 to 5 job, monday through friday. Is that too much to ask?! I think not! Ha. What Im really lookin for is a job at the childrens hospital or maybe interning at a school or daycare facility! Something that follows along the lines of my future career would be AMAZING!

The Boy:
Gosh has it been one of the most INCREDIBLE rides of my LIFE!! Tomorrow will be 9 months with my boyfriend!! NINE MONTHS! Feels crazy to say, crazy to write. I honestly cant believe how Gods timing works and how he put me in the perfect place at the perfect time to be able to find Ryan! And to think how gracious God is to share him with me and allow me to just be the utmost of who I really am with him! I laugh, I cry, I go through every single emotion a healthy relationship should! But the best part of it all is I truly cant imagine my life any other way! Right here and right now is the happiest I’ve been in forever! He makes me smile SOO much that my mouth starts to hurt and I start to feel like its unreal, some kind of dream that God has given me the privilege of being part of! So life changing! Sooo on a side note my man has set up a surprise! Eeek! We’re gonna be going sometime in August and I. cant. wait!! Im the type of person who will usually talk my way into figuring out what it is, but Ive tried to step back on this one and Ry’s been strong on not telling me! But Im sooo excited to know where we’re going and what we’ll be doing! Gonna be AMAZING!!! He’s dropped some little hints…and i know its for our one year anniversary, but im trying not to think too hard about it, i dont wanna figure it out!

Christ:
So i wouldnt say Im off the path, in any way, shape, or form…but I am IMPETUOUSLY WANDERING! I seem to be making decisions, doing things, saying things, acting out without thinking of the later consequence. Or asking is this right? I haven’t considered Jesus in the picture at all. Like really? Who am I? Jesus is my everything! Jesus is my all! Jesus has shown me the path and I am happily walking down that path! But its about time I kick my spirit man into overdrive! I want to strive for God! I want to crave reading His word! I want to be overwhelmed and surround by His presence, His love, His glory, His grace!! Like I said I havent gone down the wrong path at all, just lost sight of the end. But all thats starting to change! I live so much more happily along side of Christ!! He gives me more Joy than any earthly thing ever could. Im pretty excited cause my boyfriend is getting sundays back!! Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! Haha. But really, im so excited he’s gonna have sundays to come to church with me and spend the rest of the day with either my family or his!

My Current Problems:
I get angry. Real easy. Real fast. And it could be about the stupidest little thing! But its not good. at all. Please pray for me!! Its a constant struggle, and really hard to admit because its something I took away from my father (one of the biggest things I despised) so Im taking the first step and realizing its an issue. And in Jesus name I will not let it control me! Its just so hard for those who are around me the most, and I am so thankful to be surrounded by so much love and patience that I dont deserve!

Deeper.

well, for some reason I feel empty. alone. like no ones around. but,, only sometimes. Like maybe Im just not good enough…or that could just be the devil in my head. Idk. but, it feels so real, like it is my fault. hmm. i dont like this…at all. maybe it’s because I haven’t been going to church. Or having quiet times, or any Jesus time for that matter. I want to be loved. Deeper than any kind of physical love. I want to be wrapped up in emotional love. The kind of love that envelops and surrounds my everything. Makes my heart stop and takes my breath away, at this point I feel like Christ is the only one I should be focussing on. HIS LOVE. HIS MERCY. HIS GRACE. all i need is HIM right now.I want HIM to surround me with people who are going to shine His light in my life and bring Joy each and everyday. I want fellowship. I want community. I long for Godly relationships. I want encouragement. I want support. I want to be pushed towards Jesus. I desire and NEED all this in order to go out and share Christ with everyone!! I try and am still trying my best to be Jesus to everyone. Please keep me in your prayers, and ask Christ to open and close all doors that could help or hinder me

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IF ONLY…

If only I could freeze time.
If only I could start all over.
If only I could change the past…
But I can.
It’s not totally hopeless.
Things can be changed.
Things can be altered.
I can choose what I want,
and when I want it.
I just wish I had done things different.
I wish I had done things right.
I know everything seems so perfect,
but its really not.
I want to be home.
Surround and wrapped by comfort and love.
I want to be somewhere where nothing can touch me.
Thats why I have my best friend.
His name is Jesus.
He saves ME.
He lifts ME up.
He carries ME.
He holds MY hand.
He walks with ME.
He listens to ME.
He leads and guides ME,
to the places I need to be
and the steps I need to go
He shows ME what to do,
He shelters ME.
And all I need is HIM.
So why do I fill my heart with the things of this world.
The distractions, the chaos the clutter.
Its just empty hollow meaningless things.
Until you find His JOY!
Ahh HIS JOY!
It’s a bountiful, never-ending, ceaseless glow.
It can fill a room and envelop a space.
It goes wherever I go.
It leads me to those who are lost,
seeking to be found!
And fills their hearts with a KNOWN happiness!!
It brings me tears!
It brings me laughter!
It brings me…
HOPE
JOY
PEACE
COMFORT
LOVE
And smiles all around!
I honestly don’t know what I’d do without HIM.
If only…
It was the same for everyone else.

BIRTHDAY WISHES.

BEST. BIRTHDAY. EVER.
HANDS DOWN.
Gosh…I cannot put into words all the happiness&joy that took place on my birthday! It has literally been one of the best weeks of my life! So much love and support and encouragement from all areas of my life. My friends, my family, and my coworkers have all made this such an amazing day!! Starting with the leading up to my birthday dinner at hooters with my boyfriends family! Good times with some of the people i love the most! Then waking up next to the one I love, to eating cupcakes and scratching off lottery tickets for breakfast, to then meet my parents for lunch and have my first legal drink and open presents! So amazing! They went above and beyond on what they should have and I lovee what they got me. It was also soo delicious scarfing down my favorite mexican dish while sipping on my strawberry margarita! Mhmm! On to see some cute little kiddos who I oh so love! (You know,,,the hucks,,,the ones I used to live with) straight after I headed directly to kroger to stockk up mah fridge with all the wine coolers I LOVEE! Gosh I looked ridiculous walking through there with all those in hand. But proceeded to make it home safely with all bottles in tact! Then sadly I had to work! :/ stupid me for not asking off! But I still got to come home to my boy making me homemade fajitas with cheese dip, rice, and beans! Mhmm AGAIN! I can never get enough mexican food!! I honestly don’t understand how I’m not of the hispanic race. Haha. :) but really. Then to open my amazing presents from him! So sweet! What a day! Whew! So incredible! Only to wake up the next day to my besttt friend coming home from france! FINALLY I know! Eeek! Got some of the cutest presents from her from london!! Love! So we have been here and there eating out and enjoying the freedom of drinking. AT THE SAME TIME! Just craziness. geez. Its just so liberating and empowering to be able to do so. I’m obsessed. Ha. To say the least. I’m so blessed to be surrounded and loved by all the people I LOVE!

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least.

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