WHAT DOESNT KILL YOU MAKES YOU STRONGER!

GOSH TWO DAYS DOWN AND ONE MORE TO GO WITHOUT MY BABE. HA. SOUND RIDICULOUS…BUT ITS PROBABLY ONE OF THE HARDEST THINGS IVE HAD TO DO IN A WHILE. PATHETIC, I KNOW. BUT SO TRUE! HIM AND LANARAE ARE LITERALLY MY LIFFE! I LOVE THEM BOTH SOOO MUCH AND HAVING THAT HALF OF ME MISSING JUST SUCKS. ON A MUCH BRIGHTER AND JOYOUS NOTE, I’VE HAD AN AMAZING WEEKEND SO FAR. GOD HAS MOVED IN MY HEART AND HUNDREDS OF OTHER WOMEN AT THIS CONFERENCE THIS WEEKEND! IT WAS TRULY AN INCREDIBLE EXPERIENCE TO BE ABLE TO WATCH TAYLORS MOM, ANGELA THOMAS, MOVE AND SPEAK WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT, WISDOM, LIFE, HOPE, AND LOVE INTO MY LIFE! IM SO THANKFUL FOR BEING ABLE TO WITNESS SO MANY LIVES CHANGE. THIS WEEKEND HAS JUST SHOWN ME SO MUCH ABOUT MYSELF. REVEALED GOOD QUALITIES, AND ALSO REVEALED BAD ONES. DAY BY DAY I WILL HOPEFULLY START TO BECOME A BETTER BETTER ME! AND ITS NOTHING BIG, JUST LITTLE THINGS IVE NOTICED ABOUT MYSELF THAT ID LIKE TO CHANGE. ASKING GOD TO HELP ME THE WHOLE WAY. I WANT TO SURRENDER MY HEART AND MY ALL. KNEELING BEFORE THE LORD AND LETTING HIM TAKE CONTROL. I SEEM TO HAVE FADED FROM THAT…SOMEHOW..SOMEWAY. BUT ID LOVE TO GET BACK ON TRACK, FOLLOWING THE LORD, WHAT HE WANTS FOR ME, HIS DESIRES,THE RIGHT DIRECTION, HIS DECISIONS, THE RIGHT DOORS OPENING AND AT THE RIGHT TIME. IT ALL FITS TOGETHER LIKE THIS AMAZING BEAUTIFUL MASTERPIECE OF A PUZZLE. AND I LOVE IT! AHH…BECOMING MORE AND MORE OBSESSED WITH JESUS!! CANT WAIT TO SHARE ALL MY NEW JOY WITH MY AMAZING SEXY MAN BACK AT HOME! MAYBE…JUST MAYBE WE CAN DO A BIBLE STUDY, OR STUDY BOOK TOGETHER. CAUSE THATS KINDA WHAT IM LOOKIN FOR! WISH ME LUCKK!

Advertisements

In His Arms.

In his arms I feel safe, in his arms I feel comfort, in his arms I feel strength, in his arms I feel love. Rushing through me from my emotions in my head to the tips of my tippy toes. Laying there I cant imagine wanting to be in anywhere else…but in his arms. It’s as if nothing else matters anymore, as if the world has paused for a moment and all is calm. As I’m bundled and perfectly molded to fit in his shapes and curves of sleep I feel like nothing can hurt me. That there is no darkness. There is no devil. And nothing is able to scare me. For those reading this who dont know me, Im very much afraid of fear, of darkness, and of anything that could possibly resemble an evil thing of this world. Whether it be a scary movie I watch or even just bits and pieces of a commercial for a scary movie…I just cant take it. That’s when HIS arms are around me telling me that He is there and He is my savior!

“The Lord will watch over all who love Him, but all the wicked He will destroy” Psalm 145:20

So back on a positive note…Im just growing closer and closer to Ryan. At times there are faults, but I think thats just part of getting closer to someone. I start to find out more and more about him and then I get comfortable and realize his strengths, his weaknesses, what makes him mad, what makes him happy and use all those new found facts in ways that aren’t even intentional. Some can be good, and some are bad. But all together I lovee him so much and am so happy that I have him by my side. He never ceases to make me happy and constantly smiling. Yeah everyone has their moments of failing.But I just gotta look past all that and see how much the good days outweigh the bad or just so so days. With tax return coming up anytime now I couldnt be more EXCITED!!! Ahh time to treat myself, finally. Haha. Also my 21 BIRTHDAY!! Gosh, right around the corner. Hello World! Last great birthday till Im over the hill. Ha. Lets make it good! :) Other than all that craziness Im hoping to get off work to go to a conference with my best friendd/roommate taylor! Its her mom speaking in north carolina! ding ding! Girl time/sleepovers/retail therapy/cute coffee shops/downtown/poloroid pictures. Can you say HOLLA! Oh speaking of job, I got a new one! At a sports bar called Double Dogs! T-shirt, jeans, sneaks, and my NOSE PIERCING! Finallyyyy! Gosh I missed that sucker. Getting it re-pierced this sunday, thank sweet baby Jesus! But pretty excited about the new atmosphere, but a tiny but nervous. So here’s to my second day training!
Ya’ll have an AMAZINGG DAY!
PAUSE and let you light SHINE!
<3 <3 <3

be mine.

well…with valentines day just passing, thought I’d go with a little nifty title. haha. Hmm, where to begin! Well life is incredible!! Guess thats a good place to start! Still going through the choosing joy book and its continuing to change my life! They way I look at situations, the way I handle situations, my actions, my thoughts, my words. It all revolves around being joyful! And let me tell you, God is doing BIG things! HUGE things..not only in my life, my all the ones who surround me too! And its amazing to be able to sit back and watch it all unfold! And its like through it all He is asking me to just give it all to Him and BE MINE. God wants us to give Him our all and unload any problems, worries, or stress we have! On another note Im all moved in and settled in the new room, whoop whoop! Good times, funn times, great times! I love  being surrounded by all the people I love 24/7! Who could ask for more?! Its sleepovers, movie nights, game nights, and all the time laughter and happiness! I honestly couldn’t be happier at this point in my life! I only wish my other two best friends abs&key were here to be with us! That would just be the icing on the cupcake! :) with spring break and tax refunds right around the corner life’s just breezin on by! Holla holla. Allright dont wanna be that annoying mushy girlfriend who raves about valentines day,,,BUT it was amazing! :) Happy happy happy. Gosh ryan went above and beyond what I had expected and made it the best most special romantic first valentines day a girl could ever have! I literally could not stop smiling the entire night! He means THE WORLD to me and I cant be more grateful to God for allowing Him to share him with me and bringing us together! So, thats all im gonna spill of that! ha.

Here’s to life!

Man oh man…
Well life sure has been interesting!
We’ve all been up and we’ve all been down.
Happy moments and crying ones.
God has to truly be moving in all of our lives…
Recently me and my roommate taylor have started her moms new book called Choosing Joy! Gosh, such an incredible blessing that devotional has been! Each day we’ve learned to keep our heads up and not let the things of this world get us down! The little anger moments, or ungrateful moments, or moments where people can be so rude, hateful, or mean. Those are all the moments where the devil has a open door to just come in and steal all our joy! It’s been so hard. The Lord is getting to do something BIG and I cant wait to see what it is! The devil has been testing us and its literally been one of the hardest things I’ve had to deal with in my life! I can’t so it alone either! With the support and fellowship and my best friends and my boyfriend I’ve been slowly dragging myself through the past couple of days! To put things into perspective…lets start with my best friend taylors roommate moved out. Yepp, the one who moved in to where I could live with Ryan. Well she’s gone now and it feels like all hell is braking loose! Drama drama drama, is all I have to say…for now at least! Long story really short, she is now gone and Im moving back in with taylor, Leaving Ryan alone. But thankfully not alone anymore, one of his good buddies is moving and and hopefully will turn out for the best! When I say best I mean not get on each others last nerve and live peacefully within the same confines. But so far so good. I have successfully moved all my things over and his new roommate is slowly moving all his stuff in! Cha-chingg! holla. All is good again right? HA. yeah right. Work has been awful! No business, so slow, and making little to no money. Getting cut after only being there for an hour and only having one table just sucks. Or having to be there all night and close and getting stiffed twice. You pick…either or both suck. How bout we talk about how incredibly hard it has been on my heart moving out! Holy moly good gracious alive! Its almost as if I had lost my boyfriend, best friends, and every loving family member…thats how bad. Im not sure why its not just easy to go back to the way it was before, but moving in with him just made us that much closer. I feel like it made us closer, stronger, and more loving as a couple. And now that Im having to leave that it feels like my hearts just being ripped out. Or that Im losing my best friend. Thankfully God has been there through all of this and setting aside my emotional wreck I will be fine and we will both get through this stronger than we were before! Its just gonna take time, and support. As much as its gonna suck, I think in the end we will be so much happier. And not to mention we still live right next door and are getting a house within the next 6 months. Crazy right? so I think I can manage…maybe. Ha.

So with this joyful looking forward attitude…I would like to say that I cant wait to be living with taylor! Now that we’ve experienced living with others, its now time to put our situation back to the test! Except this time more prepared than before! We know more about each other and our ways and I feel like we’re on the same page again! Holla holla. Thank Jesus for friends! I cant wait to have girls night, sleepovers every night, friends, gossip girl, pretty little liars, paint our nails and straighten our hair,you name it and thats us! So now not only are we reuniting but so are our precious little ones! LanaRae and Bentley are SO excited! Ha. Playtime all the time!

So cross your fingers and say a prayer for us! Cause this is gonna be one heck of a ride…

FREEEEZING.

HOLY MOLY GAUCOMOLE!!!! It is SO dang cold outsideeee! Geez louise! I hate when lana scratches at the door. Three fourths of the time its cause she wants to go out and play…one fourth of the time its cause she actually has to go to the bathroom! So with this being the case she most definitely takes advantage of me and usually gets to go out. Even though its 10 degrees below zero outside and she takes her good ole time out there I just cant send her mixed signals by not letting her when she “cries wolf”. Ughh. So dang freakin annoying and pisses me the heck off. Now seeing as how im not  a person who reacts in an angry way…I blow up over this! Going around the house screaming mumbo jumbo words just to let out all the steam of me spending a solid 30 minutes chasing my dog back inside. She can be such a brat! its ridiculous. Now for some reason lately i’ve been having awful nightmares. Not the kind that make me scared to sleep in the dark, but the kind where the happily ever after ending falls apart. Where something or another happens between me and my boyfriend and i end up all alone. Lonely, scared, and emptier than ever before. I know it shouldn’t affect anything in our relationship, but I feel like it is. I get scared now during happy moments to actually be happy cause that just means im becoming closer and closer to him. Which also means Im more vulnerable in the end. Gosh I haven’t been like this in such a long time. It sucks. I want these bad dreams to just go away. I cant take living life like he’s gonna leave. I dont even wanna think about it. I wont let the devil in my mind or my dreams! It’s satan talking and i wont have it.

On a different note, school starts back tomorrow! Gosh. excited, but not excited. 15 hours on top of a 40 hour work week. A little too much, but we’ll see how I do! I have 3 classes with a good friend jessica which will be nice, and I do have a joke of a major…but I still feel like with all the busy work I’m going to go into overload! Ha. Lana Rae is getting HUGEEE! Oh my gosh! it’s crazyy! Just the other day she was so little and tiny and now she’s gigantic! It came out of nowhere too! I thought I’d never see the day when she wasnt a little girl, and now I wish those days were back! Other than all that, life’s pretty dang AMAZINGG! I really couldnt ask for anything more. God is looking out for us and will continually provide! :)

Favorite pic from the LA trip…

Clean House.

Man oh man do I lovee a clean house! Gosh it’s just one of the best feelings in the world. Not only is it the sense of accomplishment that I love…but its also the gratification that I started and finished something that is actually noticeable! The process of making a list, and one by one crossing off all things that are getting done is so satisfying to me! It gets me motivated to get off my lazy bum and actually do stuff with my day! New year, new me is what its all about right?! Ha. Well it really does feel like it. I’ve started waking up sooner and having quit time to myself. So lovely! The morning time in general has this sense of sureness already…on top of my blog and a fresh cup of coffee just puts the perfect start to a great day!
On a different note…recently God has been showing me patience. And can I say it has truly been a struggle. I am probably one of the most impatient people in the world. Gosh its like a curse. But for the life of me I cant stand being still. It just kills me. Soo seeing as how I take forever and and day to get ready to go somewhere, I’ve started to realize how patient my boyfriend is with me. When I talk too fast, or cant hear what he’s saying…he calmly and sweetly will say it again or ask me what I was trying to say. Coincidence? I think not! I seems as though God has perfectly timed my asking with His making me aware of how much He truly is showing me. His grace, love, and mercy is abundantly surrounding me and it’s AMAZING!! Other than usual Im off to work in couple of hours and school starts in a week. Eeek! Gosh time flys. One more week of spontaneous craziness! Lehhgo!

CHRISTMAS EVE!

Holy cow! I cant believe its already here! Gosh, time flew like crazy! Ahh I’m SO dang excited! Woke up an hour or two too early and got the car all packed in…now laying with my two babes before its time to sadly get ready for work. Sucks. Who’s open on christmas eve? Yep you guessed it, wok hay! its crap.

Who wants to work christmas eve? Not me! Ergg. Oh well. Its only till two thirty and then the fun begins! We head over to my parents house for  presents and dinner. Then to his dads house for presents and mingling. Then to his moms for wine and to sleep! Whoo hoo! Concluding an AMAZING christmas eve! then to wake up christmas morning and do presents with his mom, sister, and brother. And back to my house to head outta town! To Louisiana we gooooo! Holla. 10 hour road trip. Me mom austin ryan and lana rae! gosh this’ll be fun! haha. but really, im so excited! a week with all the people i love in a place where theres no work and all love. INCREDIBLE! Definitely gonna be by far one of the best christmases ever! Im obsessed with family time and I get to spend this christmas with so much family! I could care less about all the presents being swapped, its juts nice to be surrounded by love, fellowship, and laughter! Im so happy to get to be a part of ryans life and to share all the great moments we have with his family! I honestly cant imagine him ever not being here! He’s been such a HUGE part of my life and only makes me happier. Its been the best 3 months of my life. So many great memories, moments, laughs! Just too great to put into words! He makes me smile even bigger every day. Im blessed with so many people who love and care about us! I couldnt be happier! :) I cant wait to see everyones faces when they open there presents and see the little gifts I got them! Stinks that I wasnt able to go all out this year. But maybe next year! WIth the new apartment and dog, lifes been on a budget! ha.

Speaking of a dog…

image

Heres my little girl getting SO big!

ABSTRACT.

Abstract. Abstact. Abstract.
All thats been going through my head.
Over and over and over again.
Gosh.
My last painting is coming up and due tomorrow.
What a little mess of stress it is!
I lovee art but putting a time limit on it just isnt fair.
How can it truly be organic if Im being pressured to make rash decisions in small amounts of time? Crazy!! So other than art only one more final to go and IM DONEEE!! Holla holla. It’s gonna be so nice to just relax, clean the house, wrap presents, shop for christmas, and just enjoy and soak up the holidays! Lovee it! My life seems to be falling into place so perfectly! Living with ryan has been amazing and so much fun! He’s helping me to learn my strengths and my weaknesses. Where I need to work on myself and where I can ask for help. Pride is such a HUGE word in my life. Its so hard for me to let go of being in control…which of course I get from my dad. He’s a control freakk! Not saying its a bad thing, but at the point where you can let someone else help you…its a problem. Idk if cause I’ve always been so independent, but those ways seem to sway right back into my head when its time to get stuff accomplished, or letting him pay. I just cant allow myself to let him do it all himself. CONTROLLING. i know. I want to still have my hands on the reigns and not relinquish anything that makes me seem dependent. Gahh. Workin on it! Soooooooo excited to go to Louisiana!!!! Miss all my family and cant wait for them to all meet LanaRae and Ryan! Eeeek! Gonna be so much fun! Road trips. Christmas. Packing. Joyfulness. Road trips. Snacks. Family. Laughter. Presents! SO GREAT! 11 DAYS AWAY!!

asdgfhtfexvnhjkgbvg;

Blah.
What a mess.
I feel like my life has decided to take a shortcut and ended up lost.
Not sure what to think really or what I should be doing to fix it, but I can tell you that I’ve noticed a change. Good change..maybe, bad change…possibly. The problem lies in the situation and I cant really decide if the situation is good or bad. For those of you who dont already know, or dont talk to me enough to find out…I have officially moved in with my boyfriend ryan! Yupp, i said it. MOVED IN. I’ll wait a couple seconds, let you soak it in, think about it, immediately start opposing, disliking, and disapproving the action. Now, here’s the thing. If your gonna have any words said…whether they be to yourself of someone else, I’d also like them said to me! I know people are talking and I know word is spreading like wildfire. Its a hot topic, im aware. But this is all new to me. Whether it be a bad decision or not it was my decision to make and I made it. Get over it. Who cares if I made the wrong one. I’ll just go from here and learn from my mistakes. But it’d be nice to have some advice, pointers, tips, or just support. I feel I have noone to talk to, no one who wants to listen, or just be there to say hey Im here if ya need anything. Its whatever though. I dont mind being in this alone. And who’s to say it was wrong. In my eyes it seems perfectly reasonable. I practically live over here, we’re always together, and it seems smarter to be able to split the rent rather than him paying it all himself anyways. If I feel like we’re gonna be together in the end, then why not start building on that relationship now? I understand that morally its tempting and taunting at the chance of us having sex before we’re married. But lets be real, if we’ve both waited this long why screw it up? We’ve got a great thing going are getting to really know each other before any other big decisions are made. Its a closer and deeper friendship. Like living with your best friend…who just happens to be of the opposite sex..and the person you love!

So now that the big news is outta the way lets talk about life! School is almost over…thank sweet baby Jesus…and my walk with Christ just keeps getting better and better! He reveals new things to me each and everyday that help me to be stronger in Him and follow the path He’s set out for me to go down. Can I just say that the long and the narrow path is pretty dang hard. Life will seem to all be going so well then outta no where the devil will just try and get you down and discouraged by throwing obstacles in your way. Lately my attitude has been AWFUL! So thankful I have such an amazing boyfriend to put up with my crap. Hopefully that whole phase is over and done with though cause I hate being cranky. And feel awful for those around me. Still working on my patience and short temper, sadly I’m pretty sure I took that after my dad. Out of all his admirable qualities I pick one of the few I despised growing up, yay me! Friend wise, I pray the Lord brings new christian friends my way. He says we’re to have fellowship on a daily basis and I feel like I have none. Problem. My only true friends seem to be far and in between! On top of all this I miss my best friend taylor! A.k.a my old roommate! We had so many fun and exciting adventures together, and I dont want to lose that spontaneousness! I love it! I live for it! It’s what Im all about. In the moment. Dont look back. Just go for it! That crazy adventurous wild side that is up for anything at anytime. I haven’t really had that in my life the past few weeks and I need it desperately! To live up these college years and take full advantage of all the time I have!

I guess for now I’ll leave ya’ll with this update. Thanks for listening you few of you out there! 
P.s. I really really am truly happy! Everything seems to be so perfect! :)

STABLE.

So for those of you who don’t know…I, katelyn cooper, have a boyfrienddd! Eeek! Craziness, all over the place! Haha. I’m absolutely estatic! Literally don’t think I could be happier! :) Same boy who I’ve been talking about in previous blogs and he is still being incredible! So naturally I’m already nit picking at the little things he does that bugs me. And not only picking them out, but tragically saying them out loud to him. Gosh I need to get better at that. I want to be sweeter, kinder, more gentle. Sometimes I come off kinda harsh, and even though thats not who I’m meaning to be it still hurts when words are arranged in a certain way. So..on that note I am trying to change my old ways! Time to be humble, more considerate, maybe not care as much about the little things. It is a trait that has consequently been shadowed down from my father to me. I am the spitting image of his personality….BLUHH. Sorry I think I just threw up a little. That makes me sickk. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would say that. All my life I’ve tried to stay away from his ways of communication, and yet here I am doing the same thing I said I would never do. I could cry. But I won’t. I’m stronger than that! God can help me through all this and guide me towards who he made me to be and break the mold of my families faults. It’s just hard. But what isn’t these days. Nothings handed on a silver platter anymore. This new relationship is just starting to work its way into my life, my thoughts, my actions, my words, and especially my heart!  Its so fun to use the word boyfriend! Im obsessed. Haha. What’s even better is when they ask who and I get the pleasure of showing him off as the smile on my face ceases to ever show signs of leaving! Gosh the more I’m to myself the more I think about him. What he’s doing. Where he’s at. What he’s thinking about. Ridiculous right? What’s even scarier is I can kinda….alright no judgement here, or am I literally speaking…but just hypothetically, I could kinda see myself with him the rest of my life. Woahh now is right! I just went there. And yes so soon. Its been like what, a month? Absurd. I may or may not have gone crazy. Outta mah mind! But I just feel so comfortable, and safe, and loved! All aspects of my future husband. Along with loving Jesus, and my family, and my lifestyle! Oh and Lana Rae!!!! Our new little puppy we got together! Which of course there are picture to come. But like I said…just saying! Haha. If ya’ll have any stories to share hit up the comment box! I’d love to hear! And on that note I will leave you with a goodbye, adios, see ya later homies!

The booth.

Okay so you know those cliche photo strips?! Well I may or may not be obsessed. Haha. Black and white. Vintage. Memories. Happy moments. Spontaneous emotions! Gosh, you just can’t get any better! But sitting in the booth, between the 3 whole seconds they give us to rearrange our faces, so many things started going through my head. The smiles , the laughter, the closeness all seems to be like a dream. somebody pinch me. The sweetness of holding hands and the security of being close all rush through me as if he’ll always be there. Not as just a person to be with, but as a best friend too. Someone I can trust, and count on being there. Someone I tell all my secrets to, confide in, or let go with. Someone who I can be myself around. Someone to be crazy with, or to look at crazy. Getting excited to tell them about your day or just being content not talking at all. It’s the exciting adventure of getting to know every little detail about their past, their everyday, and their plans for ahead. Letting myself open up, to be vulnerable, to be nervous, to be all the normal things that can be. The photo booth pictures seem to be frozen images of the goodness to come. The happiness within me, and the quirkiness of this relationship. All I keep doing is smiling! God is definitely working in me and in this! He is taking me along the path of the long and narrow, but its gonna be so worth it. It feels so comforting. To know that I don’t have to worry or do things on my own. That He has it all planned out already!

Hidden.

I feel like I did something wrong. Like I don’t deserve any of this. It’s all a dream, it’ll go away eventually. Why did it start out the way it did, why couldn’t he yave been single? Why, why, why. It hurts. He looked so much happier before. And I ruined that. Like I always do. I get in the middle of people and destroy what was a perfectly good relationship. Or I end up doing it to myself. I get in this mode of thinking and start to hold back. To fade away. To hide, stay hidden. If you loved someone so much before how could you possibly love someone else half as much. You don’t have that much to give. It sucks. Idk what to think. I need to stop. Take a deep breath. And enjoy what I have right now..in the moment. Stop over thinking. Stop worrying. Just relax! It’s in God’s hands. If its not meant to be it wont. If he didnt care he wouldnt be here still. I guess its just cause this is all so new to me. None of this has ever happened before. The comfort, the security, the compassion. Its incredible, and its what God intended to be here on Earth as an example of His love for us. But its so hard for me to allow it…still! ughh. so annoyed with myself. At times i’ll let go. Let my guard down, have fun, be funny, laugh, smile, enjoy myself. Going with the flow. Then out of nowhere I freak out. Cold feet. Scared. What if it doesn’t last. Bam. That’s when God slaps me right in the face and says “uhh hulloo, ya gotta just trust!” Trust that everything happens for a reason. Even timing. Yahh, easy for you to say, you know whats gonna happen!

In the arms of love.

Gosh, I’ve just been showered with blessings these past couple days! SO much has changed. For better, for worse…I’m loving it all! God has started moving my life in this new direction that has truly been AMAZING! School is going along smoothly and work is…well work is work! ha. For some reason its been so dead. Idk if people are just starting to eat healthy or dont have the money to go out, but its not looking too good for my bank account.  Ha sad day. On the flip side though there is this boy. :) Unlike any other boy that I’ve come across. Crazy right? I thought they were all the same. He’s been sweet,caring, thoughtful, observant…im sure I could keep going. But i’ll save you the time, who wants to hear all that mushy nonsense. Ha not me…thats for sure. But somehow i’ve gotten over that wall. A lot of walls actually. It’s crazy how i’ve only known him for like 2 weeks and it feels like years. I’ve been so happy!! I can’t quite seem to wrap my head around what it is that gets me. His personality, his looks, his charm? But when I’m not with him I get so excited to be with him, then the second I’m with him I’m nervous. Is this how all this works?! That turning in your stomach that wont go away. Haha. Its definitely different, but a good different! Im used to having this empty feeling, like playing a role that leads to a dead end. And now that road is like boundless compassion. I can feel God walking beside me through this, it all seems to feel so right. But at the same time my flesh wants to be scared. Scared of getting hurt. Scared of feeling alone. Scared of allowing someone else to know me. It starts to make me push away, creating distance. I’ve noticed small things that are slowly starting to change though, which has been awesome! It feels so good to not care and just let go. But I dont want to lose control. I like being independent. Not having to respond to anyone. Its more of a pride thing. I can straight up tell you that my pride is definitely up there! It has a mind of its own and does what it wants. Kinda scary. I know I need to lay that down, but its so hard. To humble yourself before Christ and give it all to Him. Thats what we do with prayer isn’t it? Why is it so complicated for me to do it with my life.

I’m so close.

Now I know God is beside me at all times, and goes with me wherever I go…but sometimes I wish I could physically see Him. Although I know His presence is always there, I seem to forget when things of the world get in my way. As materialistic items and worldly thoughts start to distract me I start to lose sight that He is RIGHT there. Watching me. Let me rephrase, watching over me! Now I know a lot of christians have a pretty definite opinion on whether or not its okay to indulge in drinking. The arguments are endless. Gosh. But its hard to know where that line is really drawn. At times I feel like its okay…but recently any time I have the tiniest smidge of anything I feel soo guilty! Why the heck is this happening? Sucks. I will have a glass of wine and yet I will have what seems to be this huge burden sitting on my shoulders. Like I’ve done something wrong! Or how bout this, I wont drink at all and go out to a bar and feel like I’m betraying my God. Is it hurting Him that I’m there? Cause I am here to honor and glorify Him…but at the same time I’m to go out and reach the ones who don’t know Christ as their savior! So confusing. Why am I feeling this way? I’ve got to be doing something wrong!! I want to lead, to be an example. But I don’t want to stay in this comfortable little box of mine where His word isn’t being heard. Not gonna lie, I do like feeling safe. But I need to be pushed! People aren’t gonna see Christ unless its shown. Through actions, thoughts, or words. Sorry if I’m repeating myself in these past few blogs. Its obviously still heavy on my heart!

On a much lighter note I’m happy! Oh so happy! God is definitely working in my life and I can’t wait to see what He has in store for me! Also the fair is coming up…and if you remember from last year, I’M OBSESSED! Its kind of embarrassing. To be so fond of  rides, rednecks, farm animals, and funnel cakes! Idk what does it, but I cant resist! Soooo closeeeee! Eeek! Oh and school started on monday and so far so good. Lets hope for all A’s right? HA. yeah right. But my fingers are crossed so we’ll see! Painting class has started and man is it gonna be hard, HOLY! stressful. I’ll keep ya’ll posted with assignments and how well they are actually turning out. But do something crazyy today and until next time think of this…

The Impossible.

So if God can do the impossible…why don’t we treat Him that way? If he can move the mountains and heal the sick, then why do we take it upon ourselves to do the work? We are tiny. Literally a spec of dirt in His vast world, and somehow we think we can fix things on our own. Sorry to break the bad news, but we can’t! If we as Christians believe in Christ then we must put our faith in His hands, and let Him do want he died on the cross to do. To save lives, to work in hearts, and to be the Almighty one who can change ANYTHING! This is His story are we merely living in it. He wants to hear our problems, he wants us to go to Him with pain, we truly cannot do it ourselves! So today take a leap of faith and surrender one of your problems to God. Completely let go of it and give it up to Him. See what happens! He has our best interest at hand. On that note…hope ya have an AMAZINGG God blessed day!

Morning Dew.

Well…currently 6:15Am and I am wide awake. A miracle right? Haha. For some odd reason I cant go back to bed. Its cool though, I dont get to see the world at this time of day much often. The walls are slowly starting to turn a light shade of blue as the sun creeps its way into my room. And the ambiance of birds are getting louder and clearer as time passes. Not gonna lie, I kinda love this! I’ve got that messy morning look goin on and a fresh brewed vanilla coffee in my lap. Which by the way…best coffee I’ve made to date in this new house! Yumm! Ha. But right now life seems to be easy. Like I can handle anything. Or more like an innocence to this day! The world doesn’t look harsh. It looks mild, calm, and sort of fully rested in a weird kinda way! And of all things a red robin just landed on my window sill. Idk how often all of you see a red robin, but in my case its practically never! Ha. So in the rare chance that I do…it seems like a little glimpse of God in my life! Let me enlighten you…In my old small group we would start off by talking about kisses from the King. And when I say kisses from the King I mean a little reminder that God is watching over us, or something that He did in our week to get our attention and let us know that He is there! For me, a red robin has always been one of those things! Even though they are just a bird, let’s go beyond that fact and look at how I see them. To me they are incredible! Not a common bird. One who leads and not follows. They are strong birds. They sit perched watching all the other birds with their chest up and head out. Like a watchman. Always alert and aware. And their color, so vibrant, so noticeable! It dares you to look and awe at the fact that God could have made such a beautiful creature! I know, I know…its a bird! But to me it reminds me of who God wants me to be! How he wants me to respond. How He wants me to lead. So with my kiss from the King today I hope you go out having a GREAT day and notice your kiss from the KIng this week! Please share as a comment if you care to!

Heartless?

Heartless…like really? Out of all things you could possibly call me, heartless seems to be the one that hurts the most. To all who read this, or know me for that matter I would dare to say I’m a heartless person. Yeah there may be some things that I could care less about…aka cats! But that doesn’t mean that my heart isn’t fully capable of wrapping itself fully around something. And loving it to no extent! It hurts. Makes me feel like a bright blooming flower that just dried out and wilted. Like you were giddy like a kid then told something bad happened. Thats the feeling going through my stomach. I can’t help it that Im in no way attached to these kittens. Yes, as precious as they may be they are causing me more stress than desired. And on top of all that our lanlord is clueless that we have them. We’re required to pay a $250 pet fee and by just not saying anything we are slyly sneaking past that fee. Which usually doesn’t really shake or phase me, but for some reason I feel like I should tell him. Not to be rid of the cats…but I’m slowly trying to correct my life and fix the things that previously were holding me down. One of those things being shady and dishonest-ness. So by wanting to better myself, or say my spirit man…I am consequently hurting my roommate and her love for her kitten NorahMae. I’m so sorry to all my readers in love with cats, but I just can’t bring myself to fake it anymore. I have no attachment to Lola. Yes she’s my kitty, and yes I love her…but would not be sad to see her go. I just don’t care to deal with the whole cat mess anymore. Call me heartless? Sure. Go for it. Break me down however you’d like. I have Christ and thats the only one I truly need beside me anyways.

Gracious Giver.

Lord lift me higher, bring me into your presence! Your mercy, your grace, your hope, your peace. Work in me. Use me and teach me. I long to draw closer to you! I can do all things through you who gives me strength. When I’m weak, you pick me up. When I’m broken, you love me. Unconditionally. Unfold your love in my life. Help me to be patient and kind. Humble and strong. I long to desire you! Be my strong tower. Your grace is pouring out into my life…over and abundant! Im ready to live the joyful life you have laid out before me. I want to follow in your footsteps and be who you made me to be! I want to shine that light you lit in me! Be my savior, be my father!

Hands Down.

Gosh! It’s been so long since I last talked to the vast unknown that we call the internet. So…on that note, hello to all! Its been a short while, but I have had a lot of amazing changes. First off i movedd out! Holla holla. Its only been 3 weeks, but best 3 weeks of my life thus far! Ha. It’s been liberating, exciting, stressful, and tiring all in one big sha-bang! The freedom to do whatever I want and whenever I want is glorious. But there is also the other side of the spectrum with bills, responsibility, work, and the whole becoming an adult thing. Ha so great! To be honest it actually has been pretty dang exciting! There have been a few underlying issues, starting to surface, but hopefully those little kinks will work themselves out and God will take care of it all! Secondly, I finally was able to go to church this morning and it was incredible! Not only did God move, but He moved in a way that required change. A change in me…in my heart. That overwhelms my life, my thoughts, and my actions. He wants better for me. Better for us! Hands down its been the most exciting slash best summer yet. And the coolest part is my life is just beginning!

Please stop.

I’m over it.
Im over all the questions.
I’m over you having to know where I am &what I’m doing ever second of the day.
Seriously.
I don’t mind keeping in touch….but you are asking too much of me.
If I’m not worried, you shouldn’t be.
If I say I’ve got in under control..
I do.
Please put half of your trust in me…not asking for much.
JUST HALF.
I have my head on my shoulders pretty well.
If you’d just give me a chance,
and stop.
I’m not used to being under this spotlight again.
It’s not fun, I dont enjoy life, and and Im having to watch every step I make.
No Mistakes.
I cant just go somewhere without you asking where.
I can’t just talk to someone on the phone without you asking who.
I swear, IM NOT HIDING ANYTHING!
my life is an open book.
And I’m willing to let you be part of my story,
but only if you let me be the one to write it.
please stop.
or else you’ll only push me farther.

new job!

So…lots of exciting things are happening in mah life!
Lemme just catch ya up a little!
Last saturday was our first day back from the beach…sad day.
BUT it was also the same day Wok Hay hired me on as a server!
Whoop whoop!
So since saturday I have been training my butt offff anticipating the grand opening of this new store on wednesday! Ahh, I’m nervous and excited all at the same time. As long as I’m funenergetic…and friendly…I should be fine right? It’s been grueling though. 12 hour straight training shifts can kinda make you wanna pull your hair out! Especially when they’re doing nothing but talking! Compared to some of the other new servers there I feel like I got this in the bag. But idk. This being my first time ever serving kinda drives me to a corner where in my head everyones picking on me and calling me names. ha. Guess thats just all in my head though! So if you are reading this and live anywhere in the vicinity of turkey creek, please come out and see me! Help lighten the mood! The food is freakin DANK. Ahh, so good! I can say I have successfully tried everything on the menu in the past 48 hours…yah thats right, I gained about 10 pounds in 2 days. Oh well, I’m sure it’ll go straight to my butt anyways. But back to what I was saying…great food, LIVE band, and ME! Other than my new job I feel like God is truly working in my life right now! He is leading me, guiding me, and walking with me! Its so cool to watch the little things He’s doing as he molds into who I am.

It’s like a book.

From beginning to end.
It’s like book.
With an introduction, a middle, and an end.
Starts at one point on the line, goes up the hill, comes back down, and proceeds to just stop.
But there’s so much more than just that…
The drama, the juicy details, the happiness, the hurt.
You feel liberated at one point and depressed the next.
Life.
It rolls out exactly the same.
But in our story there’s this man.
Who never leaves the plot.
He’s there when you laugh, you snort, you get excited, and when you cant stop smiling.
He’s there when you hurt, you cry, you lie, and when you betray.
He’s watches you live, watches you encourage, watches you help, and watches you shine.
He watches you judge, he watches you hate, watches you burden, and envy.
All he wants is you, all of you! To hand over and let him mold.
His potter hands wants to make an AMAZING masterpiece of your story.
He knows our actions, our thoughts, our weaknesses, and our strengths.
And He wants to be there to guide us along the way.
As childlike as this sounds…there’s this light inside of me.
A light that doesn’t want to be smothered or put out.
But its little right now, barely able to keep lit.
Why is Satan so deceiving?
He sits, watches, and waits.
Till your living of the world, till your at your lowest, and lost.
And the thing is…you dont even realize it.
You think life’s great, that all is working out.
Your happy, your living, your going about life just like everyone else.
Except theres this little bit of unsureness.
You cant quite put your finger on it, but its there.
Yeah, thats Satan.
Saying “oh your fine”, “life’s great”, “look at all your friends”, “its just a pill, its just a boy, its just something to drink”.
Then you’re hooked.
Then you’re broken.
Then you’re hurt.
But then there’s God…
Who wants to see you happy, laughing, joyful, and living!
Living a life thats worth something, that you don’t have to think twice about!
Thats the way that I’m longing to live!
That simple, blissful, humble life.
It sure is hard, but I know He’s there to help me along the way.

Role Playing.

Sometimes it feels like people are just role playing. Actually that everyone’s role playing. Life’s one big performance and everyone is picking anc choosing their parts. Like they have decided in their head who they want to be. Not who they actually are…but a combination of images, personalities and characteristics that they think themselves to be. What they wish they were, or what they have deceived themselves into actually being. When does it all stop? The lies. The fakeness. The confusion. It MUST be tiring. Sometimes they start to forget what day it is and the personality they’re supposed to be playing. Which then creates more confusion to the person watching it all fall apart. Do they know we know? That some days they are the put together, got it all under control dont need your help role…then turn around later that day and are needy, never can do it, please help me role. It’s quite complicated. Maybe they dont even realize it happening. That they are playing the role of someone that they are not. It just seems so wrong. Like trying to fit a square in a circle, or a puzzle piece in the space of another piece. Is it cause they dont know they have a purpose? That they were created they were created for a reason! There’s a bigger plan than us. And it all works together perfectly! Oh well…I guess I’ll just let them be who they wanna pretend to be until it all starts to become mundane. A life living for nothing. Emptiness. Sadness. Depression. Let’s hope we arrive to that point soon! Or else…there might not be enough time!


INSERT HERE.

The pressure to have titles is killing me. To have a boyfriend. To have a fiancé. To have a husband. What’s the point. Everyone’s giving these temporary people in their life their all. With nothing left for the one who they’ll be with in the end. Such a worldly mess. So I try and weed out all the jerks, the cocky ones, the immature little boys. Which should leave me with the sweet, caring, kind ones right? But no…it leaves no one. The bad boys are too cool to ask and the good boys aren’t smart enough to ask. For the rare few who do decide to take on the risk and ask,,,I always decline. Just my personality. Why do I push boys away. I want someone (let me rephrase) I need someone who will be persistent no matter what. The ones who wanna get close I only push farther. They become distant and that’s when I long for them more. Its all a game. Win or lose. A challenge if you must. With obstacles left and right. It will all be coming together perfectly like a puzzle at one point. Then the next is a jumbled up word puzzle that impossible to unscramble. Emotions are careless. They have no true definition. The moment, the action, the words, are what define true emotions. And why base a relationship on an unsure thought. A foundation made of sand. Its dumb if you ask me. Just live life. Don’t tie yourself down to one person. Forget titles. Screw labels. Have funn and test the waters. That way you don’t wind up hurt in the end. Alone and hopeful. Lifes not always handed to ya on a silver platter. Just gotta live loose. No strings attached. No heart breaks. Puzzle solved. Game over!