Bliss.

This is, happiness!
The season. The friends. The love of my life!

Here’s to 2014! Everything feels so surreal! I have a great job, although I’m still serving in a restaurant…it’s a job, and I make great money! I have great friends who are there for me…whether it  be to vent, to go out to dinner, to go to the dog park, to go get sushi, to catch up with, to have rainy movie days, to dye our hair, or to cut my hair! :) They are there. and I love them! I have a great family, both mine & his! Both there to support me in any endeavor I may find myself in, path I may be strolling down, or jump I may be risking to take. They are there ready to encourage, support and challenge me! And of course I have a great boyfriend! One who loves me no matter what. Who is there to meet my every need (the simple needs of a girlfriend that is) haha. Who tells me I’m beautiful and still seems to sweep me off my feet. One to lay in bed with on a cold afternoon and watch the Lorax. Or to go out and have a fun filled day out and about. One who likes to take me out, and opens my door for me! One who snuggles up close and kisses me softly! One who is patient and loving and kind enough to explain every little part of football, even when I still don’t seem to understand what’s going on. The guy who loves to make me breakfast in bed and wants to take my dog to the park! The guy who makes me smile uncontrollably and laugh with total abandon. Is this real life?? How did I end up this blessed! Trying new things, cooking new things. This is today. This is me. This is my life! And I couldn’t be more grateful!

This is, bliss.

The Comparison Trap.

Always wanting what I don’t have.

Healthy…no. But true.
It’s hard to not get caught up in the whirlwind of one thing after another.
One minute it’s the new iPhone, and in a blink of an eye I have a pup, an apartment, and a basket full of bills. From one thing to the next. And boyyy is it addictive.
A worldly standard at its finest.

And for me, it starts to envelop and weave its way into every little aspect of my life. From something as simple as the way I dress and the color of my hair. Then leaping forward to comparing my relationship status to someone else’s. Most recently I’ve been sucked into this rapid river of lies. The way we spend are free time, the way we’re seen by others, the pace of our relationship. Talk about putting us in a box and sucking all the air out! But having since come to this epiphany, I think I’ve taken a couple steps back and really looked at what I have, where I’ve been, and where I’m striving to go. I can honestly admit that patience is my worst virtue! I mean I just straight up suck at it! Haha. And of course it seems to be fit that patience is one of the key components to love!

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” 1Corinthians 13:4-7

This is what I desire. To be this for him in any and every way! Day by day I’m proven how much my man really does care. How much he loves me, cares about me, and wants to be my best friend for the rest of our lives! He’s been building his trust back from ground up. A whole new foundation and a really a whole new person! He’s affectionate, he’s kind, and responds instead of reacting (for the most part that is) But I can also take fault for losing my temper every now and then! ;) It’s the little kisses, the “i love you’s”, the snuggles for no reason, the flowers, the dinners, the encouragement and man oh man the support! The way we work out problems and overcome struggles. The way we’re growing in Christ and building towards our future! It’s just truly been an incredible and overwhelming past 3 months. Only looking toward all the blessings yet to come! Yah yah, so why worry right?? I guess it’s just the little girl inside of me that’s scared of the past. Scared of “what could happen”. But in no way is that healthy, for me or for us. So here’s to what’s to come, a toast! All the smiles, the laughter, the joy! The rough times, and the hills. I’m ready to take it on with a new perspective. A more positive trusting perspective. I’ve chosen to forgive and look towards the happily ever after I’ve always wanted for us. I know the day is coming, at least I really hope so! Haha. I just gotta be patient and let him do his thing! It hasn’t been easy and I’m sure it won’t get any easier, but I’m ready to take on that challenge. To me it’s all worth it!! Im so ready to take a back seat to God! To give Him full and total control! He has blessed me with SO much up to this point. The least I can do is just trust Him and have faith it’s all in his timing.
A Christian standard at its finest!

love.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails…”

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

in this moment.

No regrets.
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New Obsession.
Elbow Patches.
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Once an artist.
Always an artist.
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Caught in a ray of sunshine! Blessed by God!
Can’t stop smiling, couldn’t be happier.
tumblr_llymw98pzo1qh588j_largeCan’t wait to be married one day.
Every girl’s dream.
To be unconditionally loved.
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SEVEN more days till my new HOME. 3429361297_c579e0d6ea_thumb

KEEP A SECRET…NEW TATTOO=April 15th.



TO BE.

Smile every chance you get.  Not because life has been easy, perfect, or exactly as you had anticipated, but because you choose to be happy and grateful for all the good things you do have and all the problems you know you don’t have.

-Unknown.

This week=crazy!
My expectations have been shattered!
The Lord has done and shown me so many things this week!

I feel loved. I feel whole. I feel NEW!
Sunday is the beginning of the new week.
And my week started with all new wisdom! Wisdom about who I am in Christ, who I wanna be in Christ, and what I want to be for ryan in Christ! To be so blinded by the fact that ryan is gone, I almost missed the biggest picture that God is trying to lay out before me! A picture that will not only help me in this time of need and strengthen our relationship, but strengthen ME!! Wow…hope you’re comfy and settled in a nice little spot, cause this make take a hot second!

So at first I was mad. I was sad. I was angry.
That God would put me in a situation where the (ONE PERSON) who makes me the happiest is a million miles away. With no way of meeting my expectations of always being happy.
FAIL. FAIL. FAIL.
This is my epiphany.
The light bulb that shot off fireworks.
One Person.
He is just one person.
And that my friend, is not right nor fair for anyone!!
I can’t believe I’m the one who was pushing him away, ME!
SINCE WHEN!! Was I this person??
Never in my life have i been a DEPENDENT person.
Never.
And the word itself makes me cringe a little.
Maybe that’s why…maybe that’s why I’ve never fully given all of myself to Christ. The fear of being completely dependent on ONE person. But yet here I am, a person who was depending on one person to make me happy! Ridiculous.

So (whoo hoo) step one admitted.
I’ve been so unfair to completely rely on ryan to make me happy.
Which in the end will just smother him and distance us.
I know, like distance is even a issue right now….
but really, for the long run of our relationship! It’s only gonna make us stronger!
And I honestly have already seen a change, not only in the situation but in me!
I’ve been hanging out with all my friends more, working my butt off, and loving my park days with LanaRae!
Every day has been Christ and Christ alone!! Depending and trusting HIM FULLY every step of the way! I wouldn’t be able to do it without HIM!

Step two, getting into a community. A christian group of people who I can fellowship with and who challenge me to grow stronger in Chirst! Sunday I went with my boyfriends mom to a bible study, hesitant…I was. But OH MY GOSH was it amazing!!!!! Even though the majority of the ladies were married it was such an incredible time of fellowship and digging into their current book, TIm Kellers, The Meaning of Marriage. And even though I’m not married yet…I will be one day and everything they were talking about were things I can apply to my relationship now! Which gets me so excited for the future!! I want to be there spiritually for my husband, and lift him up to God, and encourage him everyday, and challenge him in his walk with Chirst!
Ahhhh!!!
Can you tell I’m excited!!!
God could not have shown up more than He already has! Wow.

So step three, starting to re-mend my relationship with my dad.
Everything is a lot better than it was, and I love my dad
BUT
For now we’re just gonna skip this step….
I still have a lot of praying to do.

Step four, moving out.
Now this has been quite complicated.
But Im just gonna have faith that if this is God’s plan then it’ll all work out and be just fine.

The Color Red.

The past couple years my favorite color’s been red.
To me the color of joy!
Not like a deep burgundy red, more like a bright cherry red.
I just couldn’t get enough of it!
My old bed sheets were my first red purchase.
And each day it was like a burst of happiness!
…wondering if that was the secret to always waking up in a good mood! ha.

But now the color red.
The color of love, romance, and lust.
Has a whole new meaning to me…
It’s sweeped the isles of walmart, target and kroger.
And has definitely weaseled its way right into my heart.
Trying to act like I dont care about valentines day is a lot harder than I expected.
Yeah I can fool anyone at work, being one of the few who voluntarily signed up to work valentines night….might I add that I may have actually been the first one on the list! Awesome, lets make some moneyy. But really. Lets talk about a heartache. Im the lonely girl who everyone knows boyfriend left her here in knoxville while he went off to spain for five months. Sweet. Throw me a pity party pleasee. But seeing all the cheezy boxes of chocolates and balloons and roses. I always end up walking out with tears welling in my eyes.

(why couldn’t God have just made me a boy) Really. No periods. No emotions.

To know i’ll be all alone on valentines just working my butt off to make everyone else’s evening perfect makes me sick to my stomach. Especially while my boyfriend is a million miles away in a beautiful romantic city probably having a lovely sweet wine filled evening with his friends. Once again,,,someone please cue the sad sarcastic sobbing audience behind me.

I just don’t know how well this is all working for me. Distance is not my thing. Nor will it ever be. And to consider long terms here. I dont know if I can marry an INTERNATIONAL business major. That means lots of traveling!! And where I would hope that would mean lots of traveling for me too…I have a gut feeling that means a lot of him traveling and me alone. And not gonna lie, that doesn’t sound too great to me!! At all.

:Sidebar:
So with nothing else to do with my time but drink coffee and knit…..but honestly.
I’ve been running/walking a lot in the neighborhood with LanaRae. And I have to say this has been pretty great for me! I was already a lover of walks, especially since I realized it was vital for my canine companion. But it’s now become a routine. Allowing me to get the daily exercise I’ve been needing and also allowing lana to get all her bottled up energy out! But I’ve recently started leaving my ipod at home. And its been so dang pretty outside, I’ve just wanted to take it all in. Cheezy, yes. I know. haha. But the sundown against all the houses and trees, is so amazing! It feels like God is right there with me!! So with no music slowly but surely making my hearing worse, I’ve started to battle with my own thoughts. Wanting to clear my head and breathe in the fresh air, while also letting a million new thoughts and questions all bombard me at once.
Seeing all the pretty perfect houses makes me want a family more than anything! Anything in the entire world!!! I want a man who’s my best friend, who loves me for me and nothing more, who wants to be there for me when I’m sick, and there to wipe my tears when I’m sad. I want someone who’s happy when I’m happy and laughing right along side me. I want a man who wants to give everything they’ve worked for to raise a family right! I want a man who wants to be a father!! Someone who wants to play tea with their little girl, and throw a football with their boy! I want a husband who puts his family first. Who tucks his kids in with a bedtime story and a prayer…with me right there in the bed with them! I want that smile. That pure and selfless happiness! I want to be a wife! I want to make meals for my husband when he gets home, and have crazy passionate sex! I want to take trips together and enjoying chilling on the couch together just the same! I want to be a mother! Someone who gives with nothing expected in return. Someone who loves unconditionally and prays without ceasing! I want a swing set in the backyard where I can push my kids in the fall while watching my love grill dinner right next to us. I want a family. Soooo bad.
Life’s too short and goes by too fast. I’m afraid of missing my opportunity. I’m afraid he may not want all the things I want. I’m afraid he may not want them when I want them.
All I can do is have faith.
That this is God’s plan and he knows my heart.

I’m just so scared….

In the motion.

So one month down.
Gosh how I wish I was there.
The beauty. The stillness. The essence. 
Maybe one day i’ll be blessed enough to take it all in,
but for now just hearing about it will have to suffice.

So I kinda feel like I’m just going through the motions!
Work. Eat. Dog Park. Eat. Sleep. 
hahah. good stuff.
I’ve actually been taking little adventures with lanarae!
One day we got up early and went on a little walking trail down the street, and then another day we took a trip to the lake and walked out to the pier and they have these cute little benches. It was so peaceful, but very freezing!! Holy moly knoxville is cold. Ha. So ready for spring and summer to get here! Tan skin, skirts, tank tops, windows down, ice cream, pool days…ahh what could be better! In knoxville that is. 
So thankful for family these days!! The love and encouragement to keep my head up and stay strong has been so amazing! I don’t know what I’d do without all the support! But really,, I’d probably just roll over and die. haha.
My mornings are getting back to consistency. Waking up each morning with my cup of joe and Jesus Calling devotional with lanarae against my side have been some of the best spent minutes in my life right now! I couldn’t ask for happier moments!
Ryan is still having an amazing time in every moment of spain! I can tell how happy he is, and how he jumped straight into their world and made it his. It’s amazing to see how embracing a culture that beautiful can start to change someone! In all his pictures he truly looks happier!! But he’s done such an amazing job of capturing his life in spain and putting it into words for us to see and feel the bigger picture, almost as if we’re there too!
Check it out at http://mwalke59.wordpress.com/

So I decided to venture out into the party scene last night and man was that a bad idea. For all of ya’ll who know me and my personality. This is definitely not it. ha. I think sometimes I try too hard to be something I’m not. To try and fit a mold that wasn’t made for me. Last night showed me a lot. I woke up feeling stupid, dumb, empty, shameful, and belittled. Just from drinking! I didn’t do anything bad, I wasnt illegally drinking, and I didn’t do anything that I’d regret…and yet I still woke up regretful! I think I’m done with drinking, ha forever. Minus my occasional strawberry daiquiri, its just not for me. Those people look happy and act like they’re having a good time when really it’s just a whole bunch of emptiness! Like the point where people can’t control their thoughts and actions and four beers down and they’re loose and crazy with all moral boundaries out the window. Thats what scares me. The devil is sneaky. And will find a way to ruin anything good in my life. And I can’t believe I almost gave the opportunity to do just that. Drinking for me is like leaving the door open for him to come right on in and mess everything up. Thankful I had angels lookin out for me and nothing bad happened. But the thought that it could have makes me so mad at myself! I’ve had Christ next to me every step of the way this past month and then one night could’ve ruined it all. Who am I?? 
But today’s a new day and Im so happy for that!! Superbowl sunday and the whole family is together enjoying each others company! So great!! The only thing that could make this day better is if I had my man right next to me gettin our football sundays on. ://

Three more months.

Week One.

So.
Here we are, day seven.
To those of you reading and unaware, my boyfriend left for Barcelona, Spain for five months. He was blessed beyond measure with an amazing opportunity to study abroad in such a beautiful country. Taking classes at the university while embracing every second of the culture. The only downside to this whole sha-bang, is that he is there…while I’m still stuck in the states.
TRAGIC, i know.
But since he’s been gone I’ve had the opportunity to take a closer look at who I am, where I’m going, and what I’m striving to be. It’s almost as if Christ has planned this all out perfectly in HIS timing! Not that I would ever want ryan to leave me again like this or will I ever let him, haha. But since I have no choice and he’s already gone I might as well make the best of it and grow. Ryan being gone has allowed me to really lean on God and have faith and trust that this is all in His timing, His will, and its His plan.
CAPITAL. CAPITAL. UNDERLINE. NOT MINE!!
I have to surrender my everything and hand it over to him. He never intended for me to worry, stress, or be fearful. He would never want me to be sad or alone. But those are all the things that keep running through my mind. The devil has yet to give up and wont back down. But Im putting up a fight and he will not win.

Day seven. And not a day has passed without crying myself to sleep.
Even though I’ve been walking every step of the way with Christ, it still hasn’t gotten any easier that he wont be back tomorrow. Emotionally my heart has gone crazy. Now I’m usually not an emotional girl, I like to think I have some pretty tough skin. Especially for all I dealt with with my dad growing up. But gosh has this destroyed me. It’s pretty easy to go through the day without thinking about it or letting anyone know how bad it hurts. But then when I head home and just sit in my room still and alone…that’s when it hits me. And all of a sudden my strong hard exterior becomes a puddle of tears around me. Now I know this is just because he just left…but honestly he is my everything!! Besides Christ and my family , I want to one day marry this man and consider him a huge part of my life! He means the world to me and always will!! He makes me laugh and brings me joy. He knows how to cheer me up and make me smile. He has been so considerate and loving. So seven days has felt like an eternity apart.

So where he’s being distracted by new places, new food and new people…I’m still stuck in the same ole same ole routine. Minus him! ha. So a bunch of holes where he used to be or where we used to do things. Lovely. But like I said I feel like God has given me this opportunity to really get my own self straight before me and ryan continue on to grow stronger in our relationship. So I’m really gonna focus on my friendships, old and new. I want to re-mend old friendships that I stupidly pushed aside and I want to branch out and make new friendships with girls who can keep me accountable and have similar personalities to mine! And with ry being gone I have no other choice! haha.
SO other than all that…I picked up an extra job so I could stay busy and just focus on making some money and gettin myself a new car and apartment. Wish me luck that I dont go crazy! Ha. Im trying my hardest to have FAITH and TRUST!

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THANKFUL.

fear |fi(ə)r|
an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that
someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

PSALM 145:20
The Lord watches over all who love Him,
but all the wicked He will destroy.

fear to me is a lot of things…
Lets start with right now.
Right now I’m currently all moved in with my grandparetns. And by all…I mean I have some closet space, a place to store my food, a bed, and my LanaRae! Now not throwing my self a pity party , but it’s definitely not how I imagined the rest of 2012 would go. But that’s when I have to remember that this is not in my hands anymore, it’s in Gods. And I’ve been so blessed to have a family that’ll just let me crash their lifestyle for awhile until I can get back on my feet again. What scares me though…is what’s gonna happen next? What’s my next move gonna be? Where’s it gonna be? Who’s it gonna be with? At this point I literally have no answers, and that to me…is scary! I’m the type of girl who likes to have a plan. All figured out and set in place. But God is slowly starting to break me of that. Little by little He is doing things that MAKE ME rely on Him, and put all my trust in HIM! Which has been honestly life changing! I know all this change happening so sudden and so fast wasn’t too convenient for the worldly side of me, but Im so happy at where I’m at now that I’ve given God full control! I’ve been a happier person, and definitely more JOYFUL! And I feel the spiritual side of me feels so much closer to God now than I have in a really long time! Now I can’t let moving take all the credit, me and my boyfriend finally got back in church and he has been amazingly persistent on staying strong and putting God first! Keeping me accountable on living a God-centered life!

So we’ve been dating for over a year now and it’s been amazing!! Obviously no relationship is perfect (which I know I still can’t get through my head sometimes) but for what we have and what we’ve had….it’s been pretty darn close!! Despite the struggles, up and downs, and emotional sometimes crazy me I wouldn’t trade it for ANYTHING. I love that boy with all my heart and have had the best times I’ll never forget with him! He can make me laugh harder than anyone else and smile bigger than my happiest days. I never really understood dating until now, but being moved apart from living right next door has opened my heart to giving him his space and that space not being a bad thing. Before I thought if we weren’t together something was wrong. But im (slowly) realizing how relationships work, and how sometimes he may just want to be to himself, or want to hang with his friends. Its really hard, only because I feel like were going backwards rather than forwards….but I feel like once again it’s in God’s hands and this is what’s meant to happen. That starting off fresh and “going backwards” a little is only helping us to go forward stronger!

So that leads me to fear in the future..
So I’d say I’m starting to get a hang of giving ry his own time, his space. But here in the next month and a half he’s bout to have A LOT of spacee!! Erg. PAUSE. Let me begin my saying that he has been given a once in a lifetime amazing opportunity to study abroad in spain! Amazing, right?! I could not be happier for him to get to experience Spain! It’s culture, it’s heritage, it’s beauty, it’s views! All the people and the the food! Gosh I couldn’t be more jealous!!! And all while still going to school over there to study what he loves! It’s literally perfect! the only downside……………..it’s. five. moths. Five whole months!!!!! Of being away from me!!  Oh yeah, this is where I get scared! Now I get to be a little selfish (just a little). What the heck am I gonna do for five months?!!! I mean I know I’ll find stuff to occupy myself, maybe. But I won’t get daily communication. I wont get to hug him, kiss him, wrap my arms around him! No watching a movie snuggled up into him with his warm body against mine! No date nights. Literally no physical love. Ugghh. I need his fellowship! Im sure it’ll fly by. And I have lots of family, mine and his, who are all here to love on me while he’s gone….but it just sucks. And the worst part is he’s gonna be way too busy to care. I know he does, but Spain is just going to envelop his everything and become his new life. I’ll just be outta sight outta mind. :/ now i know five months will be forever for me, but for him it’ll seem like nothing! Im happy he gets to stay long enough to really get a grasp and enjoy spain after the initial awe of it all!

So to all you out there reading this, please pray!! Pray for me, pray for him, pray for our relationships with Christ, pray for safety in spain!

It’s not my plan.

So,
I have this thing where I think ideas are mine, and run with them! ha.
About halfway down the road I realize I have no idea where I’m even going…why?
Oh wait, cause it wasnt my plan to begin with. it’s HIS!
I can’t predict the destination if I don’t the route!
So this is me. Humbling myself. To the King of Kings. My Savior, My Lord.
I neeeeed you.
I need your help.
I need your guidance, your wisdom, your strength.
I want patience, kindness, and JOY that abounds and overflows.
I want to not be afraid.
to not feel alone.
surrounded by your angels and filled with your glory.
Just lead me!
I give it all to you!
All of me is yours!

A Little Less. A lot More.

Listen while you read!

So be prepared.
It’s been way too long…

It feels like today took forever to come. And then before I knew it, it was here, ONE YEAR. I have officially been dating my boyfriend one year! And yet it feels like a century. It’s been an amazing, crazy, smile filled journey that I wouldn’t trade for anything! I truly love this man of God with all my heart and can’t see my life without him.

Which scares me more than you’ll ever know.

A year ago today I wasn’t like this. I had my head on my shoulders with no one but myself to worry about. With no cares, no stress, no crazy emotional me. And now…here I am jealous, dependant, fearful, and full of emotions. Gosh I dont know what to do with myself! Im not as confident as I used to be, Im not in church as much as I’d like to be, I have no friends to fellowship with, and I feel like I need ryan to be with me or I fall apart! I dont like this me! I like independent me. Well not like single me, but the way I acted and carried myself when I was single. And Im sure ryan would that me more too.
Just sucks. I need help. I need Christ. I need friends. I love ry with all my heart and cant wait until we have a future together, but for right now i think living next door to each other is hindering our relationship. Just having one another always there gives no room for missing each other, or wanting to see each other, or that desire to do anything because we’re a wall away. This being my first relationship Im still getting my toes wet, and everything im doing is laying down new ground thats never been traveled. So I feel like I never got the story book side. Where I get picked up for dates, and left little sweet notes, and presents for no reason. Now I know im probably being completely foolish and selfish, but sometimes I feel like our living situation has taken that away from me. Which is my own fault.
Hopefully God has this all in His plan, and His timing! Because I surly don’t know what to do! But for now…Im giving it all to Him. Surrendering and handing all I have over to Him. I no longer want to worry or be scared. I want to live free in His glory and joy. I want to hold my head up with confidence and take in every moment I’m given!

LIGHTS.

I. am. BLESSED!

So the new job is absolutely an answered prayer!! Thank you Jesus for bringing this job my way, honestly perfect timing.

But to be real, wasn’t the best at first. It was so much to get done, ya know, checking things off the list to be able to work there and getting all my paperwork finished. Then on top of that it was my last week at my serving job. Just imagine…a bossy, old(soon to be retired), grumpy manager just dwindling down your attitude because you’re leaving his company soon. Doesnt quite put me in the best of moods. But thankfully it was my final and last day ever serving again! No more stress. No more stinky restaurant clothes. No more aprons. No more working nights, weekends or holidays.
Someone got themselves a big girl job!!….well kinda. Haha.
But I could not be in a happier point in my life right now! Not everything is going my way, but if it was then I wouldnt be able to appreciate all that was! So stepping to the side and looking at all that I have to be thankful for has been the best thing for me recently! God has given me an amazing loving family, an awesome sister/best friend/roommate, a loving, happy, full of joy LanaRae and an incredible one of a kind boyfriend! I would be crazy to have any reason to not be constantly thankful!! JOY has graciously showered down upon me recently and its been so nice to regain all that I once had not too long ago!
So in this consistent state of being happy and in a good mood I have found myself giddy like a child! Its back to little things. Like tickle fights. Cozied up snuggling. Bubble baths. Snorting. Laughing uncontrollably and way TOO loud! Haha. Its so comforting to be in the hands of the Lord!
The only tough patch in it all is the absence of a paycheck. Gosh, ya gotta know how hard it can be to go 4 weeks in between switching jobs with just no income. Straight craziness! Let me say. The devil will not win this battle now or ever. I watched him destroy my family with financial struggles and I wont allow him to do it again. So with all that I have in me Im just praying and trusting the Lord to watch over me and have faith He will provide! He always does! I just hope my eyes are open enough to be ale to recognize the little things! But through it all I have been SO undeservingly blessed by my boyfriend!! He has been there to hold my hand and walk me through it. And thankfully he has been blessed to be making the money he needs for his trip and also help me out with dinners lunches or date nights! Gahh, just LOVE him with all thats in me! Cant wait for our surprise trip in october! So excited!! Ill fill you in with more details to come!

Dont forget to PAUSE and SHINE you’re light!!

From divine to disaster.

So here’s how the week started…
Allright, as many of you dont know,,,I got a new job!!! Yay!! And wanna take any guesses on where?! YUPP, a preschool facility!! Holy Moly Excited!! Exactly what I was just telling you about and praying for! Thank you Jesus! Words cannot describe the JOY in my heart when she said I would be perfect for their school! My major is elementary education and this is literally what my major is all about! Not only am I gonna be obsessed with my job and all the little kiddos around me, but ill be still in school working towards my bachelors and building onto my resume for a career in teaching at a school! BLESSED. Thats really all there is to say about it! So that just built my week up to an all time high! Then the week followed with my mundane serving job, not so pleasant. But on the bright side of that only a week and a half to go! Whoo Hoo! The week started to wind down with good ole family sundays, and man are those fulfilling! Something about bringing the whole family together and all enjoying each others fellowship that makes my heart smile! :) Well the day was gonna end just perfectly by heading down to the dog park with my LanaRae, and well that didnt really go as planned. Walked in the door to a house enveloped in the smell of straight poop. Gross right?? Yeah tell me about it. Her crate, covered. The walls surrounding her crate, covered. The floor, covered. Lana Rae, covered. All in diarrhea. Ab-sol-ute-ly aw-ful. Honest to goodness I dont know how I managed to not throw up. So we get everything outside and my bright mind decides we’re STILL going to the dog park. I wasnt gonna let the devil ruin my good day/week. So we get in the car and about two solid minutes down the road Lana starts squirtin’ everywhere on my seats. Nasty!! I FREAK OUT, to all of you who know my personality, and start to panic…slowing down, putting on my brakes, swerving all over the road, screaming at lana,,,cause im at this point confused and angered. So as I proceed to abruptly make a u-turn of course lana is just rolling in her matter at this point, continuing to cover herself. Gross, once again! So we get home and I’ve got A MESS to handle. Yeah, this day topped my worse days ever chart! Imagine. Thankfully I had my mom there to hold the walmart bag while I scrubbed and wiped and srcubbed and wiped and used at least two whole rolls of papertowels. Gosh what a day. Thankfully I’m now sitting here, writing to you on my clean sheets, in my clean room, with my clean self, and clean Lana Rae laying next to me! Haha.
Until next time…

IMPETUOUSLY WANDERING.

impetuous |imˈpe ch oōəs|
adjective
acting or done quickly and without thought or care

This is me.
Currently.

Right now:
Im taking the summer to work, relax, get things done, and continue to fall head over heels for the one I love. That means trying to make money, spending that money, and continuing to passionately pursue my boyfriend in a loving, healthy, devoted, vulnerable, Godly manner. Gosh the privilege of being a girl sucks sometimes though. Besides the  monthly hey how ya doin’ emotional roller coaster, it seemed to a pretty rough month all together!
Man was it not pleasant to be around me!

The Job:
Well a day never ceases to pass where I’m not at work serving people food and asking “Would you like fries with that?” But I’d have to say that there is never a dull day serving in a sports bar and its one of the best jobs I’ve had in a long while! Even though I get those few people who just dont seem to care for life or being happy what.so.ever., I can never keep a smile off my face serving others. Im not sure if its the people, the atmosphere, or just the fact of being surrounded by a community of people who all wanna talk! But Im starting to find myself wanting a new job, dont get me wrong…I make really good money and love what I do but I’d like a solid 9 to 5 job, monday through friday. Is that too much to ask?! I think not! Ha. What Im really lookin for is a job at the childrens hospital or maybe interning at a school or daycare facility! Something that follows along the lines of my future career would be AMAZING!

The Boy:
Gosh has it been one of the most INCREDIBLE rides of my LIFE!! Tomorrow will be 9 months with my boyfriend!! NINE MONTHS! Feels crazy to say, crazy to write. I honestly cant believe how Gods timing works and how he put me in the perfect place at the perfect time to be able to find Ryan! And to think how gracious God is to share him with me and allow me to just be the utmost of who I really am with him! I laugh, I cry, I go through every single emotion a healthy relationship should! But the best part of it all is I truly cant imagine my life any other way! Right here and right now is the happiest I’ve been in forever! He makes me smile SOO much that my mouth starts to hurt and I start to feel like its unreal, some kind of dream that God has given me the privilege of being part of! So life changing! Sooo on a side note my man has set up a surprise! Eeek! We’re gonna be going sometime in August and I. cant. wait!! Im the type of person who will usually talk my way into figuring out what it is, but Ive tried to step back on this one and Ry’s been strong on not telling me! But Im sooo excited to know where we’re going and what we’ll be doing! Gonna be AMAZING!!! He’s dropped some little hints…and i know its for our one year anniversary, but im trying not to think too hard about it, i dont wanna figure it out!

Christ:
So i wouldnt say Im off the path, in any way, shape, or form…but I am IMPETUOUSLY WANDERING! I seem to be making decisions, doing things, saying things, acting out without thinking of the later consequence. Or asking is this right? I haven’t considered Jesus in the picture at all. Like really? Who am I? Jesus is my everything! Jesus is my all! Jesus has shown me the path and I am happily walking down that path! But its about time I kick my spirit man into overdrive! I want to strive for God! I want to crave reading His word! I want to be overwhelmed and surround by His presence, His love, His glory, His grace!! Like I said I havent gone down the wrong path at all, just lost sight of the end. But all thats starting to change! I live so much more happily along side of Christ!! He gives me more Joy than any earthly thing ever could. Im pretty excited cause my boyfriend is getting sundays back!! Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! Haha. But really, im so excited he’s gonna have sundays to come to church with me and spend the rest of the day with either my family or his!

My Current Problems:
I get angry. Real easy. Real fast. And it could be about the stupidest little thing! But its not good. at all. Please pray for me!! Its a constant struggle, and really hard to admit because its something I took away from my father (one of the biggest things I despised) so Im taking the first step and realizing its an issue. And in Jesus name I will not let it control me! Its just so hard for those who are around me the most, and I am so thankful to be surrounded by so much love and patience that I dont deserve!

In the Sun.

Man oh man is the weather AMAZING! Gosh, not only does it feel like summer…but we get all the beauty of spring too! LOVE! Normally the spring is rainy, gross, and still cold. But nope, not this year! This year God has decided to show his masterpiece and give us a glimpse of what He can do! Not too much has changed since the last time we’ve talked. OH WAIT, less days till I turn twenty one!!!!!!! Only 10 more days baby! Holla. I. Cannot. Wait! Ding ding. Time for the fun to begin!! School is almost over. so close. i can do it. i cant. i can. Ahh if only it would fly by so much faster. Then SUMMER! Im obsessed with summer. Obsessed. The sun surrounding me at all times, the cool breezy nights by the lake, tan skin, shorts, skirts, cute little dresses, no school, the smell of fresh cut green grass, pool parties, lake days, bare feet, messy hair, no make up, tight smooth skin, and no worries! Who wouldn’t love any or all of those things!! And its all right around the corner! Eeeek! Too excited. God is still working in my heart and allowing me to lay down my pride and give Him my all! I’ve never been more joyful or aware of His grace in my life! And its divine! Still praying and looking for the perfect house or townhouse with a fence! The market is just awful right now and nothings opening up. Lame. Just celebrated six months with my man! Crazyyyyyyy that time flew by so fast! Feels like I was just saying 2 months, and now we’re bout to be at 7…going on a YEAR! Haha. We’ll see. Maybe. Hopefully. I pray to sweet baby Jesus he is the one! He makes me so happy and complete. I can’t imagine never having him by my side. When he’s not I feel empty. I feel alone. Not complete. Not whole. When he is I feel life. joy. peace. comfort. I feel whole. LOVE. complete. happiness. Please just continue to pray for us and that everything we do we do it unto the Lord and it represents His GLORY! Lovee ya’ll!

WHAT DOESNT KILL YOU MAKES YOU STRONGER!

GOSH TWO DAYS DOWN AND ONE MORE TO GO WITHOUT MY BABE. HA. SOUND RIDICULOUS…BUT ITS PROBABLY ONE OF THE HARDEST THINGS IVE HAD TO DO IN A WHILE. PATHETIC, I KNOW. BUT SO TRUE! HIM AND LANARAE ARE LITERALLY MY LIFFE! I LOVE THEM BOTH SOOO MUCH AND HAVING THAT HALF OF ME MISSING JUST SUCKS. ON A MUCH BRIGHTER AND JOYOUS NOTE, I’VE HAD AN AMAZING WEEKEND SO FAR. GOD HAS MOVED IN MY HEART AND HUNDREDS OF OTHER WOMEN AT THIS CONFERENCE THIS WEEKEND! IT WAS TRULY AN INCREDIBLE EXPERIENCE TO BE ABLE TO WATCH TAYLORS MOM, ANGELA THOMAS, MOVE AND SPEAK WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT, WISDOM, LIFE, HOPE, AND LOVE INTO MY LIFE! IM SO THANKFUL FOR BEING ABLE TO WITNESS SO MANY LIVES CHANGE. THIS WEEKEND HAS JUST SHOWN ME SO MUCH ABOUT MYSELF. REVEALED GOOD QUALITIES, AND ALSO REVEALED BAD ONES. DAY BY DAY I WILL HOPEFULLY START TO BECOME A BETTER BETTER ME! AND ITS NOTHING BIG, JUST LITTLE THINGS IVE NOTICED ABOUT MYSELF THAT ID LIKE TO CHANGE. ASKING GOD TO HELP ME THE WHOLE WAY. I WANT TO SURRENDER MY HEART AND MY ALL. KNEELING BEFORE THE LORD AND LETTING HIM TAKE CONTROL. I SEEM TO HAVE FADED FROM THAT…SOMEHOW..SOMEWAY. BUT ID LOVE TO GET BACK ON TRACK, FOLLOWING THE LORD, WHAT HE WANTS FOR ME, HIS DESIRES,THE RIGHT DIRECTION, HIS DECISIONS, THE RIGHT DOORS OPENING AND AT THE RIGHT TIME. IT ALL FITS TOGETHER LIKE THIS AMAZING BEAUTIFUL MASTERPIECE OF A PUZZLE. AND I LOVE IT! AHH…BECOMING MORE AND MORE OBSESSED WITH JESUS!! CANT WAIT TO SHARE ALL MY NEW JOY WITH MY AMAZING SEXY MAN BACK AT HOME! MAYBE…JUST MAYBE WE CAN DO A BIBLE STUDY, OR STUDY BOOK TOGETHER. CAUSE THATS KINDA WHAT IM LOOKIN FOR! WISH ME LUCKK!

In His Arms.

In his arms I feel safe, in his arms I feel comfort, in his arms I feel strength, in his arms I feel love. Rushing through me from my emotions in my head to the tips of my tippy toes. Laying there I cant imagine wanting to be in anywhere else…but in his arms. It’s as if nothing else matters anymore, as if the world has paused for a moment and all is calm. As I’m bundled and perfectly molded to fit in his shapes and curves of sleep I feel like nothing can hurt me. That there is no darkness. There is no devil. And nothing is able to scare me. For those reading this who dont know me, Im very much afraid of fear, of darkness, and of anything that could possibly resemble an evil thing of this world. Whether it be a scary movie I watch or even just bits and pieces of a commercial for a scary movie…I just cant take it. That’s when HIS arms are around me telling me that He is there and He is my savior!

“The Lord will watch over all who love Him, but all the wicked He will destroy” Psalm 145:20

So back on a positive note…Im just growing closer and closer to Ryan. At times there are faults, but I think thats just part of getting closer to someone. I start to find out more and more about him and then I get comfortable and realize his strengths, his weaknesses, what makes him mad, what makes him happy and use all those new found facts in ways that aren’t even intentional. Some can be good, and some are bad. But all together I lovee him so much and am so happy that I have him by my side. He never ceases to make me happy and constantly smiling. Yeah everyone has their moments of failing.But I just gotta look past all that and see how much the good days outweigh the bad or just so so days. With tax return coming up anytime now I couldnt be more EXCITED!!! Ahh time to treat myself, finally. Haha. Also my 21 BIRTHDAY!! Gosh, right around the corner. Hello World! Last great birthday till Im over the hill. Ha. Lets make it good! :) Other than all that craziness Im hoping to get off work to go to a conference with my best friendd/roommate taylor! Its her mom speaking in north carolina! ding ding! Girl time/sleepovers/retail therapy/cute coffee shops/downtown/poloroid pictures. Can you say HOLLA! Oh speaking of job, I got a new one! At a sports bar called Double Dogs! T-shirt, jeans, sneaks, and my NOSE PIERCING! Finallyyyy! Gosh I missed that sucker. Getting it re-pierced this sunday, thank sweet baby Jesus! But pretty excited about the new atmosphere, but a tiny but nervous. So here’s to my second day training!
Ya’ll have an AMAZINGG DAY!
PAUSE and let you light SHINE!
<3 <3 <3

be mine.

well…with valentines day just passing, thought I’d go with a little nifty title. haha. Hmm, where to begin! Well life is incredible!! Guess thats a good place to start! Still going through the choosing joy book and its continuing to change my life! They way I look at situations, the way I handle situations, my actions, my thoughts, my words. It all revolves around being joyful! And let me tell you, God is doing BIG things! HUGE things..not only in my life, my all the ones who surround me too! And its amazing to be able to sit back and watch it all unfold! And its like through it all He is asking me to just give it all to Him and BE MINE. God wants us to give Him our all and unload any problems, worries, or stress we have! On another note Im all moved in and settled in the new room, whoop whoop! Good times, funn times, great times! I love  being surrounded by all the people I love 24/7! Who could ask for more?! Its sleepovers, movie nights, game nights, and all the time laughter and happiness! I honestly couldn’t be happier at this point in my life! I only wish my other two best friends abs&key were here to be with us! That would just be the icing on the cupcake! :) with spring break and tax refunds right around the corner life’s just breezin on by! Holla holla. Allright dont wanna be that annoying mushy girlfriend who raves about valentines day,,,BUT it was amazing! :) Happy happy happy. Gosh ryan went above and beyond what I had expected and made it the best most special romantic first valentines day a girl could ever have! I literally could not stop smiling the entire night! He means THE WORLD to me and I cant be more grateful to God for allowing Him to share him with me and bringing us together! So, thats all im gonna spill of that! ha.

FREEEEZING.

HOLY MOLY GAUCOMOLE!!!! It is SO dang cold outsideeee! Geez louise! I hate when lana scratches at the door. Three fourths of the time its cause she wants to go out and play…one fourth of the time its cause she actually has to go to the bathroom! So with this being the case she most definitely takes advantage of me and usually gets to go out. Even though its 10 degrees below zero outside and she takes her good ole time out there I just cant send her mixed signals by not letting her when she “cries wolf”. Ughh. So dang freakin annoying and pisses me the heck off. Now seeing as how im not  a person who reacts in an angry way…I blow up over this! Going around the house screaming mumbo jumbo words just to let out all the steam of me spending a solid 30 minutes chasing my dog back inside. She can be such a brat! its ridiculous. Now for some reason lately i’ve been having awful nightmares. Not the kind that make me scared to sleep in the dark, but the kind where the happily ever after ending falls apart. Where something or another happens between me and my boyfriend and i end up all alone. Lonely, scared, and emptier than ever before. I know it shouldn’t affect anything in our relationship, but I feel like it is. I get scared now during happy moments to actually be happy cause that just means im becoming closer and closer to him. Which also means Im more vulnerable in the end. Gosh I haven’t been like this in such a long time. It sucks. I want these bad dreams to just go away. I cant take living life like he’s gonna leave. I dont even wanna think about it. I wont let the devil in my mind or my dreams! It’s satan talking and i wont have it.

On a different note, school starts back tomorrow! Gosh. excited, but not excited. 15 hours on top of a 40 hour work week. A little too much, but we’ll see how I do! I have 3 classes with a good friend jessica which will be nice, and I do have a joke of a major…but I still feel like with all the busy work I’m going to go into overload! Ha. Lana Rae is getting HUGEEE! Oh my gosh! it’s crazyy! Just the other day she was so little and tiny and now she’s gigantic! It came out of nowhere too! I thought I’d never see the day when she wasnt a little girl, and now I wish those days were back! Other than all that, life’s pretty dang AMAZINGG! I really couldnt ask for anything more. God is looking out for us and will continually provide! :)

Favorite pic from the LA trip…

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Blah.
What a mess.
I feel like my life has decided to take a shortcut and ended up lost.
Not sure what to think really or what I should be doing to fix it, but I can tell you that I’ve noticed a change. Good change..maybe, bad change…possibly. The problem lies in the situation and I cant really decide if the situation is good or bad. For those of you who dont already know, or dont talk to me enough to find out…I have officially moved in with my boyfriend ryan! Yupp, i said it. MOVED IN. I’ll wait a couple seconds, let you soak it in, think about it, immediately start opposing, disliking, and disapproving the action. Now, here’s the thing. If your gonna have any words said…whether they be to yourself of someone else, I’d also like them said to me! I know people are talking and I know word is spreading like wildfire. Its a hot topic, im aware. But this is all new to me. Whether it be a bad decision or not it was my decision to make and I made it. Get over it. Who cares if I made the wrong one. I’ll just go from here and learn from my mistakes. But it’d be nice to have some advice, pointers, tips, or just support. I feel I have noone to talk to, no one who wants to listen, or just be there to say hey Im here if ya need anything. Its whatever though. I dont mind being in this alone. And who’s to say it was wrong. In my eyes it seems perfectly reasonable. I practically live over here, we’re always together, and it seems smarter to be able to split the rent rather than him paying it all himself anyways. If I feel like we’re gonna be together in the end, then why not start building on that relationship now? I understand that morally its tempting and taunting at the chance of us having sex before we’re married. But lets be real, if we’ve both waited this long why screw it up? We’ve got a great thing going are getting to really know each other before any other big decisions are made. Its a closer and deeper friendship. Like living with your best friend…who just happens to be of the opposite sex..and the person you love!

So now that the big news is outta the way lets talk about life! School is almost over…thank sweet baby Jesus…and my walk with Christ just keeps getting better and better! He reveals new things to me each and everyday that help me to be stronger in Him and follow the path He’s set out for me to go down. Can I just say that the long and the narrow path is pretty dang hard. Life will seem to all be going so well then outta no where the devil will just try and get you down and discouraged by throwing obstacles in your way. Lately my attitude has been AWFUL! So thankful I have such an amazing boyfriend to put up with my crap. Hopefully that whole phase is over and done with though cause I hate being cranky. And feel awful for those around me. Still working on my patience and short temper, sadly I’m pretty sure I took that after my dad. Out of all his admirable qualities I pick one of the few I despised growing up, yay me! Friend wise, I pray the Lord brings new christian friends my way. He says we’re to have fellowship on a daily basis and I feel like I have none. Problem. My only true friends seem to be far and in between! On top of all this I miss my best friend taylor! A.k.a my old roommate! We had so many fun and exciting adventures together, and I dont want to lose that spontaneousness! I love it! I live for it! It’s what Im all about. In the moment. Dont look back. Just go for it! That crazy adventurous wild side that is up for anything at anytime. I haven’t really had that in my life the past few weeks and I need it desperately! To live up these college years and take full advantage of all the time I have!

I guess for now I’ll leave ya’ll with this update. Thanks for listening you few of you out there! 
P.s. I really really am truly happy! Everything seems to be so perfect! :)

I’m so close.

Now I know God is beside me at all times, and goes with me wherever I go…but sometimes I wish I could physically see Him. Although I know His presence is always there, I seem to forget when things of the world get in my way. As materialistic items and worldly thoughts start to distract me I start to lose sight that He is RIGHT there. Watching me. Let me rephrase, watching over me! Now I know a lot of christians have a pretty definite opinion on whether or not its okay to indulge in drinking. The arguments are endless. Gosh. But its hard to know where that line is really drawn. At times I feel like its okay…but recently any time I have the tiniest smidge of anything I feel soo guilty! Why the heck is this happening? Sucks. I will have a glass of wine and yet I will have what seems to be this huge burden sitting on my shoulders. Like I’ve done something wrong! Or how bout this, I wont drink at all and go out to a bar and feel like I’m betraying my God. Is it hurting Him that I’m there? Cause I am here to honor and glorify Him…but at the same time I’m to go out and reach the ones who don’t know Christ as their savior! So confusing. Why am I feeling this way? I’ve got to be doing something wrong!! I want to lead, to be an example. But I don’t want to stay in this comfortable little box of mine where His word isn’t being heard. Not gonna lie, I do like feeling safe. But I need to be pushed! People aren’t gonna see Christ unless its shown. Through actions, thoughts, or words. Sorry if I’m repeating myself in these past few blogs. Its obviously still heavy on my heart!

On a much lighter note I’m happy! Oh so happy! God is definitely working in my life and I can’t wait to see what He has in store for me! Also the fair is coming up…and if you remember from last year, I’M OBSESSED! Its kind of embarrassing. To be so fond of  rides, rednecks, farm animals, and funnel cakes! Idk what does it, but I cant resist! Soooo closeeeee! Eeek! Oh and school started on monday and so far so good. Lets hope for all A’s right? HA. yeah right. But my fingers are crossed so we’ll see! Painting class has started and man is it gonna be hard, HOLY! stressful. I’ll keep ya’ll posted with assignments and how well they are actually turning out. But do something crazyy today and until next time think of this…

The Impossible.

So if God can do the impossible…why don’t we treat Him that way? If he can move the mountains and heal the sick, then why do we take it upon ourselves to do the work? We are tiny. Literally a spec of dirt in His vast world, and somehow we think we can fix things on our own. Sorry to break the bad news, but we can’t! If we as Christians believe in Christ then we must put our faith in His hands, and let Him do want he died on the cross to do. To save lives, to work in hearts, and to be the Almighty one who can change ANYTHING! This is His story are we merely living in it. He wants to hear our problems, he wants us to go to Him with pain, we truly cannot do it ourselves! So today take a leap of faith and surrender one of your problems to God. Completely let go of it and give it up to Him. See what happens! He has our best interest at hand. On that note…hope ya have an AMAZINGG God blessed day!

Morning Dew.

Well…currently 6:15Am and I am wide awake. A miracle right? Haha. For some odd reason I cant go back to bed. Its cool though, I dont get to see the world at this time of day much often. The walls are slowly starting to turn a light shade of blue as the sun creeps its way into my room. And the ambiance of birds are getting louder and clearer as time passes. Not gonna lie, I kinda love this! I’ve got that messy morning look goin on and a fresh brewed vanilla coffee in my lap. Which by the way…best coffee I’ve made to date in this new house! Yumm! Ha. But right now life seems to be easy. Like I can handle anything. Or more like an innocence to this day! The world doesn’t look harsh. It looks mild, calm, and sort of fully rested in a weird kinda way! And of all things a red robin just landed on my window sill. Idk how often all of you see a red robin, but in my case its practically never! Ha. So in the rare chance that I do…it seems like a little glimpse of God in my life! Let me enlighten you…In my old small group we would start off by talking about kisses from the King. And when I say kisses from the King I mean a little reminder that God is watching over us, or something that He did in our week to get our attention and let us know that He is there! For me, a red robin has always been one of those things! Even though they are just a bird, let’s go beyond that fact and look at how I see them. To me they are incredible! Not a common bird. One who leads and not follows. They are strong birds. They sit perched watching all the other birds with their chest up and head out. Like a watchman. Always alert and aware. And their color, so vibrant, so noticeable! It dares you to look and awe at the fact that God could have made such a beautiful creature! I know, I know…its a bird! But to me it reminds me of who God wants me to be! How he wants me to respond. How He wants me to lead. So with my kiss from the King today I hope you go out having a GREAT day and notice your kiss from the KIng this week! Please share as a comment if you care to!

Gracious Giver.

Lord lift me higher, bring me into your presence! Your mercy, your grace, your hope, your peace. Work in me. Use me and teach me. I long to draw closer to you! I can do all things through you who gives me strength. When I’m weak, you pick me up. When I’m broken, you love me. Unconditionally. Unfold your love in my life. Help me to be patient and kind. Humble and strong. I long to desire you! Be my strong tower. Your grace is pouring out into my life…over and abundant! Im ready to live the joyful life you have laid out before me. I want to follow in your footsteps and be who you made me to be! I want to shine that light you lit in me! Be my savior, be my father!

Hands Down.

Gosh! It’s been so long since I last talked to the vast unknown that we call the internet. So…on that note, hello to all! Its been a short while, but I have had a lot of amazing changes. First off i movedd out! Holla holla. Its only been 3 weeks, but best 3 weeks of my life thus far! Ha. It’s been liberating, exciting, stressful, and tiring all in one big sha-bang! The freedom to do whatever I want and whenever I want is glorious. But there is also the other side of the spectrum with bills, responsibility, work, and the whole becoming an adult thing. Ha so great! To be honest it actually has been pretty dang exciting! There have been a few underlying issues, starting to surface, but hopefully those little kinks will work themselves out and God will take care of it all! Secondly, I finally was able to go to church this morning and it was incredible! Not only did God move, but He moved in a way that required change. A change in me…in my heart. That overwhelms my life, my thoughts, and my actions. He wants better for me. Better for us! Hands down its been the most exciting slash best summer yet. And the coolest part is my life is just beginning!

It’s like a book.

From beginning to end.
It’s like book.
With an introduction, a middle, and an end.
Starts at one point on the line, goes up the hill, comes back down, and proceeds to just stop.
But there’s so much more than just that…
The drama, the juicy details, the happiness, the hurt.
You feel liberated at one point and depressed the next.
Life.
It rolls out exactly the same.
But in our story there’s this man.
Who never leaves the plot.
He’s there when you laugh, you snort, you get excited, and when you cant stop smiling.
He’s there when you hurt, you cry, you lie, and when you betray.
He’s watches you live, watches you encourage, watches you help, and watches you shine.
He watches you judge, he watches you hate, watches you burden, and envy.
All he wants is you, all of you! To hand over and let him mold.
His potter hands wants to make an AMAZING masterpiece of your story.
He knows our actions, our thoughts, our weaknesses, and our strengths.
And He wants to be there to guide us along the way.
As childlike as this sounds…there’s this light inside of me.
A light that doesn’t want to be smothered or put out.
But its little right now, barely able to keep lit.
Why is Satan so deceiving?
He sits, watches, and waits.
Till your living of the world, till your at your lowest, and lost.
And the thing is…you dont even realize it.
You think life’s great, that all is working out.
Your happy, your living, your going about life just like everyone else.
Except theres this little bit of unsureness.
You cant quite put your finger on it, but its there.
Yeah, thats Satan.
Saying “oh your fine”, “life’s great”, “look at all your friends”, “its just a pill, its just a boy, its just something to drink”.
Then you’re hooked.
Then you’re broken.
Then you’re hurt.
But then there’s God…
Who wants to see you happy, laughing, joyful, and living!
Living a life thats worth something, that you don’t have to think twice about!
Thats the way that I’m longing to live!
That simple, blissful, humble life.
It sure is hard, but I know He’s there to help me along the way.

Role Playing.

Sometimes it feels like people are just role playing. Actually that everyone’s role playing. Life’s one big performance and everyone is picking anc choosing their parts. Like they have decided in their head who they want to be. Not who they actually are…but a combination of images, personalities and characteristics that they think themselves to be. What they wish they were, or what they have deceived themselves into actually being. When does it all stop? The lies. The fakeness. The confusion. It MUST be tiring. Sometimes they start to forget what day it is and the personality they’re supposed to be playing. Which then creates more confusion to the person watching it all fall apart. Do they know we know? That some days they are the put together, got it all under control dont need your help role…then turn around later that day and are needy, never can do it, please help me role. It’s quite complicated. Maybe they dont even realize it happening. That they are playing the role of someone that they are not. It just seems so wrong. Like trying to fit a square in a circle, or a puzzle piece in the space of another piece. Is it cause they dont know they have a purpose? That they were created they were created for a reason! There’s a bigger plan than us. And it all works together perfectly! Oh well…I guess I’ll just let them be who they wanna pretend to be until it all starts to become mundane. A life living for nothing. Emptiness. Sadness. Depression. Let’s hope we arrive to that point soon! Or else…there might not be enough time!


FOREVER.

Who I wanna be and who I am.
two completely different people.
I seem to be stuck in the grey area.
I was always told that area is no good,,,
to  stay where I could be seen by others.
to be encouraged, to be loved.
why do I keep straying away.
I’m in LOVE with this man named Jesus.
he brings me hope. joy. peace. and love enduring forever.
who would ever ask for more?
I strive to live in the light of Christ.
to be like Him, to care like Him, to love like Him.
I’m trying my hardest to not fall.
only HE can give me strength.
its so tough at times.
but its those times that I’ve always come out stronger.
I tend to walk the narrow path.
it’s longer.
but I know it’ll take me to where I need to be.
it’ll watch over me.
like a guardian angel.
protect me from the fear.
my fear is the darkness.
I cant take it.
thats when I call His name.
when the lights are off and Im too myself.
to save me from this world.
it feels like forever.
but I know He’s there.
and I know He cares.
the morning will come soon enough.
and that light will shine so bright that everyone will see,
the joy in my heart that will forever be!

WAKE UP!

Wake upp christians! This is not the old testament anymore! This is new testament, new age, new milenia day and time! We aren’t bible beaters anymore, and we aren’t wearing garments that hang to the floor and towels around our heads anymore (no offense disciples)! We do have chacos now,,,and that’s about the only thing that connects us with the past! That and the love that Christ offers! The people that we are trying to reach aren’t raised in an age knowing Christs’ name! Not only do they not have Jesus their hearts…but they have no grasp of who that even is! A celebrity? A new singer? Or maybe a new addition to the jersey shore cast? Its crazy to think that there’s all this love to spread and its staying idle within our hearts! Why are we not going crazyy and telling everyone like its the new hookup, or oh myy did you hear…I wanna be shining the light of Christ so bright that people need shades on! Haha. Now a days our goal is to be as much like them as much as we aren’t! How will they ever know Him unless we’re the ones setting the example right beside them. We have to be in midst of what they’re struggling with and strong enough to stand up for our own beliefs all at the same time! Christ didn’t send us here to go amongst the christians. He sent us here to go amongst the poor and the needy. The ones who DON’T know Him. The ones who have pains and struggles. I’m not saying christian friends aren’t vital! Because they most certainly are,, we have those friends to encourage us, keep us stable, pray for us, and fellowship with! I don’t know what I would do without my tight knit group of girls who challenge me in my faith. I lovee it! But I use my faith, my trust, and my strength the most when I surround myself with those know don’t know Christ’s love like I do, and deep down know that’s the only thing that will fill that void, that empty hole in their life! That’s why God sent me here…not to walk amongst the christians…but to walk amongst the sinners, cheaters, liars and beggers! That’s when I call on HIM the most!