The Color Red.

The past couple years my favorite color’s been red.
To me the color of joy!
Not like a deep burgundy red, more like a bright cherry red.
I just couldn’t get enough of it!
My old bed sheets were my first red purchase.
And each day it was like a burst of happiness!
…wondering if that was the secret to always waking up in a good mood! ha.

But now the color red.
The color of love, romance, and lust.
Has a whole new meaning to me…
It’s sweeped the isles of walmart, target and kroger.
And has definitely weaseled its way right into my heart.
Trying to act like I dont care about valentines day is a lot harder than I expected.
Yeah I can fool anyone at work, being one of the few who voluntarily signed up to work valentines night….might I add that I may have actually been the first one on the list! Awesome, lets make some moneyy. But really. Lets talk about a heartache. Im the lonely girl who everyone knows boyfriend left her here in knoxville while he went off to spain for five months. Sweet. Throw me a pity party pleasee. But seeing all the cheezy boxes of chocolates and balloons and roses. I always end up walking out with tears welling in my eyes.

(why couldn’t God have just made me a boy) Really. No periods. No emotions.

To know i’ll be all alone on valentines just working my butt off to make everyone else’s evening perfect makes me sick to my stomach. Especially while my boyfriend is a million miles away in a beautiful romantic city probably having a lovely sweet wine filled evening with his friends. Once again,,,someone please cue the sad sarcastic sobbing audience behind me.

I just don’t know how well this is all working for me. Distance is not my thing. Nor will it ever be. And to consider long terms here. I dont know if I can marry an INTERNATIONAL business major. That means lots of traveling!! And where I would hope that would mean lots of traveling for me too…I have a gut feeling that means a lot of him traveling and me alone. And not gonna lie, that doesn’t sound too great to me!! At all.

:Sidebar:
So with nothing else to do with my time but drink coffee and knit…..but honestly.
I’ve been running/walking a lot in the neighborhood with LanaRae. And I have to say this has been pretty great for me! I was already a lover of walks, especially since I realized it was vital for my canine companion. But it’s now become a routine. Allowing me to get the daily exercise I’ve been needing and also allowing lana to get all her bottled up energy out! But I’ve recently started leaving my ipod at home. And its been so dang pretty outside, I’ve just wanted to take it all in. Cheezy, yes. I know. haha. But the sundown against all the houses and trees, is so amazing! It feels like God is right there with me!! So with no music slowly but surely making my hearing worse, I’ve started to battle with my own thoughts. Wanting to clear my head and breathe in the fresh air, while also letting a million new thoughts and questions all bombard me at once.
Seeing all the pretty perfect houses makes me want a family more than anything! Anything in the entire world!!! I want a man who’s my best friend, who loves me for me and nothing more, who wants to be there for me when I’m sick, and there to wipe my tears when I’m sad. I want someone who’s happy when I’m happy and laughing right along side me. I want a man who wants to give everything they’ve worked for to raise a family right! I want a man who wants to be a father!! Someone who wants to play tea with their little girl, and throw a football with their boy! I want a husband who puts his family first. Who tucks his kids in with a bedtime story and a prayer…with me right there in the bed with them! I want that smile. That pure and selfless happiness! I want to be a wife! I want to make meals for my husband when he gets home, and have crazy passionate sex! I want to take trips together and enjoying chilling on the couch together just the same! I want to be a mother! Someone who gives with nothing expected in return. Someone who loves unconditionally and prays without ceasing! I want a swing set in the backyard where I can push my kids in the fall while watching my love grill dinner right next to us. I want a family. Soooo bad.
Life’s too short and goes by too fast. I’m afraid of missing my opportunity. I’m afraid he may not want all the things I want. I’m afraid he may not want them when I want them.
All I can do is have faith.
That this is God’s plan and he knows my heart.

I’m just so scared….

Week One.

So.
Here we are, day seven.
To those of you reading and unaware, my boyfriend left for Barcelona, Spain for five months. He was blessed beyond measure with an amazing opportunity to study abroad in such a beautiful country. Taking classes at the university while embracing every second of the culture. The only downside to this whole sha-bang, is that he is there…while I’m still stuck in the states.
TRAGIC, i know.
But since he’s been gone I’ve had the opportunity to take a closer look at who I am, where I’m going, and what I’m striving to be. It’s almost as if Christ has planned this all out perfectly in HIS timing! Not that I would ever want ryan to leave me again like this or will I ever let him, haha. But since I have no choice and he’s already gone I might as well make the best of it and grow. Ryan being gone has allowed me to really lean on God and have faith and trust that this is all in His timing, His will, and its His plan.
CAPITAL. CAPITAL. UNDERLINE. NOT MINE!!
I have to surrender my everything and hand it over to him. He never intended for me to worry, stress, or be fearful. He would never want me to be sad or alone. But those are all the things that keep running through my mind. The devil has yet to give up and wont back down. But Im putting up a fight and he will not win.

Day seven. And not a day has passed without crying myself to sleep.
Even though I’ve been walking every step of the way with Christ, it still hasn’t gotten any easier that he wont be back tomorrow. Emotionally my heart has gone crazy. Now I’m usually not an emotional girl, I like to think I have some pretty tough skin. Especially for all I dealt with with my dad growing up. But gosh has this destroyed me. It’s pretty easy to go through the day without thinking about it or letting anyone know how bad it hurts. But then when I head home and just sit in my room still and alone…that’s when it hits me. And all of a sudden my strong hard exterior becomes a puddle of tears around me. Now I know this is just because he just left…but honestly he is my everything!! Besides Christ and my family , I want to one day marry this man and consider him a huge part of my life! He means the world to me and always will!! He makes me laugh and brings me joy. He knows how to cheer me up and make me smile. He has been so considerate and loving. So seven days has felt like an eternity apart.

So where he’s being distracted by new places, new food and new people…I’m still stuck in the same ole same ole routine. Minus him! ha. So a bunch of holes where he used to be or where we used to do things. Lovely. But like I said I feel like God has given me this opportunity to really get my own self straight before me and ryan continue on to grow stronger in our relationship. So I’m really gonna focus on my friendships, old and new. I want to re-mend old friendships that I stupidly pushed aside and I want to branch out and make new friendships with girls who can keep me accountable and have similar personalities to mine! And with ry being gone I have no other choice! haha.
SO other than all that…I picked up an extra job so I could stay busy and just focus on making some money and gettin myself a new car and apartment. Wish me luck that I dont go crazy! Ha. Im trying my hardest to have FAITH and TRUST!

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To Shine.

Well headed back to good ole knoxville! Goodbye greensboro, thanks for giving us the pleasure of walking your streets, eating at your cutee little diners, and bring us together with our long lost friend Anthropologie. Gosh its just been a little too long since we had seen each other and it was a nice embracement and exchange of goods. I gave her money and she gave me new kitchen goodies! Ahh, so excited! We’re about halfway home and Im already ancy to see my man and my little girl LanaRae!!!! Me and my best friend tay miss our feline companions (AKA best friends/real people) SO MUCH! Time couldn’t go by any slower than it already is! Oooh and just for those of you who haven’t received your tax refunds yet…and still waiting…let me tell you hope is still out there! I JUST received mine (3 weeks later) and gosh is it JOYOUS! haha. Im so excited to finally be able to afford to get things done that have needed to be done. A couple being, a new prescription of contacts&glasses, my LanaRae getting spayed (Eeeeek!), and a much needed oil change! ha. Gosh living the life, i know! But other than the necessities…shopping spree HERE I COME!!!! Urban all the way babyyy! Being my signature store I spend at least a solid $300 buckaroos a year there! A simple treat to myself of course. But me and my boy are hopefully gonna be heading to good ole nashville this week sometime to get some goods! Cant wait! Umm, in other news…we have found a house! Ding ding! Maybe not “the one” but pretty darn perfect for a start! So looking forward to what God has planned for all of us! When there’s a will He makes a way! I trust Him to open the right doors and close the wrong ones! Hmmm, oh and for ya’ll who know my new years resolution…my february’s dinner was a huge success!! Even I liked it! haha. But for march Im struggling with ideas of what to make! It has to be chicken and involve no other meats. So if ya know of any amazing recipes please share!! ope ya’ll have an AMAZING rest of this beautiful sunday and talk to ya soon enough!

Hidden.

I feel like I did something wrong. Like I don’t deserve any of this. It’s all a dream, it’ll go away eventually. Why did it start out the way it did, why couldn’t he yave been single? Why, why, why. It hurts. He looked so much happier before. And I ruined that. Like I always do. I get in the middle of people and destroy what was a perfectly good relationship. Or I end up doing it to myself. I get in this mode of thinking and start to hold back. To fade away. To hide, stay hidden. If you loved someone so much before how could you possibly love someone else half as much. You don’t have that much to give. It sucks. Idk what to think. I need to stop. Take a deep breath. And enjoy what I have right now..in the moment. Stop over thinking. Stop worrying. Just relax! It’s in God’s hands. If its not meant to be it wont. If he didnt care he wouldnt be here still. I guess its just cause this is all so new to me. None of this has ever happened before. The comfort, the security, the compassion. Its incredible, and its what God intended to be here on Earth as an example of His love for us. But its so hard for me to allow it…still! ughh. so annoyed with myself. At times i’ll let go. Let my guard down, have fun, be funny, laugh, smile, enjoy myself. Going with the flow. Then out of nowhere I freak out. Cold feet. Scared. What if it doesn’t last. Bam. That’s when God slaps me right in the face and says “uhh hulloo, ya gotta just trust!” Trust that everything happens for a reason. Even timing. Yahh, easy for you to say, you know whats gonna happen!

I’m so close.

Now I know God is beside me at all times, and goes with me wherever I go…but sometimes I wish I could physically see Him. Although I know His presence is always there, I seem to forget when things of the world get in my way. As materialistic items and worldly thoughts start to distract me I start to lose sight that He is RIGHT there. Watching me. Let me rephrase, watching over me! Now I know a lot of christians have a pretty definite opinion on whether or not its okay to indulge in drinking. The arguments are endless. Gosh. But its hard to know where that line is really drawn. At times I feel like its okay…but recently any time I have the tiniest smidge of anything I feel soo guilty! Why the heck is this happening? Sucks. I will have a glass of wine and yet I will have what seems to be this huge burden sitting on my shoulders. Like I’ve done something wrong! Or how bout this, I wont drink at all and go out to a bar and feel like I’m betraying my God. Is it hurting Him that I’m there? Cause I am here to honor and glorify Him…but at the same time I’m to go out and reach the ones who don’t know Christ as their savior! So confusing. Why am I feeling this way? I’ve got to be doing something wrong!! I want to lead, to be an example. But I don’t want to stay in this comfortable little box of mine where His word isn’t being heard. Not gonna lie, I do like feeling safe. But I need to be pushed! People aren’t gonna see Christ unless its shown. Through actions, thoughts, or words. Sorry if I’m repeating myself in these past few blogs. Its obviously still heavy on my heart!

On a much lighter note I’m happy! Oh so happy! God is definitely working in my life and I can’t wait to see what He has in store for me! Also the fair is coming up…and if you remember from last year, I’M OBSESSED! Its kind of embarrassing. To be so fond of  rides, rednecks, farm animals, and funnel cakes! Idk what does it, but I cant resist! Soooo closeeeee! Eeek! Oh and school started on monday and so far so good. Lets hope for all A’s right? HA. yeah right. But my fingers are crossed so we’ll see! Painting class has started and man is it gonna be hard, HOLY! stressful. I’ll keep ya’ll posted with assignments and how well they are actually turning out. But do something crazyy today and until next time think of this…

Role Playing.

Sometimes it feels like people are just role playing. Actually that everyone’s role playing. Life’s one big performance and everyone is picking anc choosing their parts. Like they have decided in their head who they want to be. Not who they actually are…but a combination of images, personalities and characteristics that they think themselves to be. What they wish they were, or what they have deceived themselves into actually being. When does it all stop? The lies. The fakeness. The confusion. It MUST be tiring. Sometimes they start to forget what day it is and the personality they’re supposed to be playing. Which then creates more confusion to the person watching it all fall apart. Do they know we know? That some days they are the put together, got it all under control dont need your help role…then turn around later that day and are needy, never can do it, please help me role. It’s quite complicated. Maybe they dont even realize it happening. That they are playing the role of someone that they are not. It just seems so wrong. Like trying to fit a square in a circle, or a puzzle piece in the space of another piece. Is it cause they dont know they have a purpose? That they were created they were created for a reason! There’s a bigger plan than us. And it all works together perfectly! Oh well…I guess I’ll just let them be who they wanna pretend to be until it all starts to become mundane. A life living for nothing. Emptiness. Sadness. Depression. Let’s hope we arrive to that point soon! Or else…there might not be enough time!


WAKE UP!

Wake upp christians! This is not the old testament anymore! This is new testament, new age, new milenia day and time! We aren’t bible beaters anymore, and we aren’t wearing garments that hang to the floor and towels around our heads anymore (no offense disciples)! We do have chacos now,,,and that’s about the only thing that connects us with the past! That and the love that Christ offers! The people that we are trying to reach aren’t raised in an age knowing Christs’ name! Not only do they not have Jesus their hearts…but they have no grasp of who that even is! A celebrity? A new singer? Or maybe a new addition to the jersey shore cast? Its crazy to think that there’s all this love to spread and its staying idle within our hearts! Why are we not going crazyy and telling everyone like its the new hookup, or oh myy did you hear…I wanna be shining the light of Christ so bright that people need shades on! Haha. Now a days our goal is to be as much like them as much as we aren’t! How will they ever know Him unless we’re the ones setting the example right beside them. We have to be in midst of what they’re struggling with and strong enough to stand up for our own beliefs all at the same time! Christ didn’t send us here to go amongst the christians. He sent us here to go amongst the poor and the needy. The ones who DON’T know Him. The ones who have pains and struggles. I’m not saying christian friends aren’t vital! Because they most certainly are,, we have those friends to encourage us, keep us stable, pray for us, and fellowship with! I don’t know what I would do without my tight knit group of girls who challenge me in my faith. I lovee it! But I use my faith, my trust, and my strength the most when I surround myself with those know don’t know Christ’s love like I do, and deep down know that’s the only thing that will fill that void, that empty hole in their life! That’s why God sent me here…not to walk amongst the christians…but to walk amongst the sinners, cheaters, liars and beggers! That’s when I call on HIM the most!

Heart it races.

Sitting here. Stuffy nose. Cute scarf. Down comforter. All snuggled in, just thinking of what tomorrow beholds for me. Pondering on my bible study. God has such HUGE plans for us! Like honestly…has planned out our day,our year, our husband, our friends. Then we have to take our faith and in a sense cash it out in him! Say that we are giving him control. COMPLETE CONTROL. Nearly impossible! for real. To not be able to make your own decisions, or at least say that we decided that on our own is giving up a lot. But thats all He’s asked of us…is to let him guide our path and to follow Him. And funny is thing is, He knows what He’s doing and has our best interest in mind! Why wouldn’t we. I was listening to the radio and the guy said all his life he’s been reading the bible to finish, and now he’s reading the bible to change! WOW. I am reading the bible to put it under my belt and say oh I’ve read that or use it for myself to help comfort ME! Not reading it to go out and teach others how amazing Christ is and what He’s done for them. So…new vision for the new year is to try and lead one person to Christ. Sounds measly and pointless. But it’s a start. And I gotta start somewhere right? Ha. Wanna go ahead and just say that I think I’m officially ready for a boy in my life! Haha. No pressure Jesus. But my biological clock is ticking and I have yet to have a boyfriend. Fail. Soo with valentines day being right around the corner it’d be perfect timing! Once again…just saying. Ha. And now I would like to give a shout out to THE HUCKS! Hoot Hoot. Andrew.Emily.Turner.Elle Kate.Schuyler. GETT IT! They make my life so much more joyous! Their fun, laughter, and smiling faces greet me every morning and start my day off just right! lovee it & love them! It will be a sad sad day to leave. So lets not talk about it. But just want to say that they are the BEST! Kay well gotta get up in the morning to babysit. bright and early. Four in the AM could not come any faster. So adios peeps. SAHWEET DREAMS!
BOOM ROASTED.

My hope.

My hope. Is to be Christ-like. To be perfect in His eyes, and do no wrong. To live according to His word and follow in His footsteps. The wide, deep, and filling footsteps. the kind that overwhelm your tiny little feet once you step into them. It kinda feels like home. A safe place. A place of comfort. Somewhere where you know you belong. I want to be part of a bigger picture. One that reaches out a hand to others and helps them up when they’re in need. I want to speak up. Not hold back what God has given me to use for His purposes. I want to live a pure life. One thats filled with joy. peace. and happiness. I want to laugh abundantly and be filled with His presence. I want to live by the fruits of the spirit. Lord, use me! Teach me! Be my hands and feet. Guide me! Help me to have patience. And help me to dive deeper into your word each and every day. This is my hope.

FAITH.

“Now faith is being being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” Hebrews 11:1

God I have faith in you each and everyday! I trust in you with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding! You are the way the truth and the life, and nothing can come between us! You are a miracle worker and a healer!  You make all things new! Your words are like water to my soul and I thirst for you! I want you to be there each and everyday guiding me through the paths you want me to take! Please help me God to decipher right from wrong or what is good for me and what is not! Cause many times i have fallen from not leaning on you and relying that you have me in your hands at all times! It’s like your just sitting there holding this precious new born baby trying to be oh so careful that  she doesn’t awaken! Thats how I picture  you holding me Lord. I can’t wait to be out of the sickened world that has been so confused and brain washed by media, the news, politics, schools, friends, music. I want to LIVE for YOU! Not just talk to you every now and then, or say a prayer or two…but to truly live for you! Make everything I do a step towards you! I want to mirror you! I people to look and be like wow, why is she so happy? Why isn’t she getting mad over that? What does she have that I don’t? How could she just not care about money, bills, time, boys, her social life? That’s who I want to be! Someone who has given everything up to God and it totally and fully reliant on HIM! Someone who trusts without a doubt that he has a plan and that it’s all under control! Go today and live fearlessly! Give abundantly! Laugh loudly! Don’t worry or stress! As long as you’ve given it all to Him, He’s gonna take care of you! Promise!

……this is my prayer to you!

ROMANS 5:1-5

“Therefore since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” ROMANS 5:1-5

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” MATTHEW 6:34