TO BE.

Smile every chance you get.  Not because life has been easy, perfect, or exactly as you had anticipated, but because you choose to be happy and grateful for all the good things you do have and all the problems you know you don’t have.

-Unknown.

This week=crazy!
My expectations have been shattered!
The Lord has done and shown me so many things this week!

I feel loved. I feel whole. I feel NEW!
Sunday is the beginning of the new week.
And my week started with all new wisdom! Wisdom about who I am in Christ, who I wanna be in Christ, and what I want to be for ryan in Christ! To be so blinded by the fact that ryan is gone, I almost missed the biggest picture that God is trying to lay out before me! A picture that will not only help me in this time of need and strengthen our relationship, but strengthen ME!! Wow…hope you’re comfy and settled in a nice little spot, cause this make take a hot second!

So at first I was mad. I was sad. I was angry.
That God would put me in a situation where the (ONE PERSON) who makes me the happiest is a million miles away. With no way of meeting my expectations of always being happy.
FAIL. FAIL. FAIL.
This is my epiphany.
The light bulb that shot off fireworks.
One Person.
He is just one person.
And that my friend, is not right nor fair for anyone!!
I can’t believe I’m the one who was pushing him away, ME!
SINCE WHEN!! Was I this person??
Never in my life have i been a DEPENDENT person.
Never.
And the word itself makes me cringe a little.
Maybe that’s why…maybe that’s why I’ve never fully given all of myself to Christ. The fear of being completely dependent on ONE person. But yet here I am, a person who was depending on one person to make me happy! Ridiculous.

So (whoo hoo) step one admitted.
I’ve been so unfair to completely rely on ryan to make me happy.
Which in the end will just smother him and distance us.
I know, like distance is even a issue right now….
but really, for the long run of our relationship! It’s only gonna make us stronger!
And I honestly have already seen a change, not only in the situation but in me!
I’ve been hanging out with all my friends more, working my butt off, and loving my park days with LanaRae!
Every day has been Christ and Christ alone!! Depending and trusting HIM FULLY every step of the way! I wouldn’t be able to do it without HIM!

Step two, getting into a community. A christian group of people who I can fellowship with and who challenge me to grow stronger in Chirst! Sunday I went with my boyfriends mom to a bible study, hesitant…I was. But OH MY GOSH was it amazing!!!!! Even though the majority of the ladies were married it was such an incredible time of fellowship and digging into their current book, TIm Kellers, The Meaning of Marriage. And even though I’m not married yet…I will be one day and everything they were talking about were things I can apply to my relationship now! Which gets me so excited for the future!! I want to be there spiritually for my husband, and lift him up to God, and encourage him everyday, and challenge him in his walk with Chirst!
Ahhhh!!!
Can you tell I’m excited!!!
God could not have shown up more than He already has! Wow.

So step three, starting to re-mend my relationship with my dad.
Everything is a lot better than it was, and I love my dad
BUT
For now we’re just gonna skip this step….
I still have a lot of praying to do.

Step four, moving out.
Now this has been quite complicated.
But Im just gonna have faith that if this is God’s plan then it’ll all work out and be just fine.

The Color Red.

The past couple years my favorite color’s been red.
To me the color of joy!
Not like a deep burgundy red, more like a bright cherry red.
I just couldn’t get enough of it!
My old bed sheets were my first red purchase.
And each day it was like a burst of happiness!
…wondering if that was the secret to always waking up in a good mood! ha.

But now the color red.
The color of love, romance, and lust.
Has a whole new meaning to me…
It’s sweeped the isles of walmart, target and kroger.
And has definitely weaseled its way right into my heart.
Trying to act like I dont care about valentines day is a lot harder than I expected.
Yeah I can fool anyone at work, being one of the few who voluntarily signed up to work valentines night….might I add that I may have actually been the first one on the list! Awesome, lets make some moneyy. But really. Lets talk about a heartache. Im the lonely girl who everyone knows boyfriend left her here in knoxville while he went off to spain for five months. Sweet. Throw me a pity party pleasee. But seeing all the cheezy boxes of chocolates and balloons and roses. I always end up walking out with tears welling in my eyes.

(why couldn’t God have just made me a boy) Really. No periods. No emotions.

To know i’ll be all alone on valentines just working my butt off to make everyone else’s evening perfect makes me sick to my stomach. Especially while my boyfriend is a million miles away in a beautiful romantic city probably having a lovely sweet wine filled evening with his friends. Once again,,,someone please cue the sad sarcastic sobbing audience behind me.

I just don’t know how well this is all working for me. Distance is not my thing. Nor will it ever be. And to consider long terms here. I dont know if I can marry an INTERNATIONAL business major. That means lots of traveling!! And where I would hope that would mean lots of traveling for me too…I have a gut feeling that means a lot of him traveling and me alone. And not gonna lie, that doesn’t sound too great to me!! At all.

:Sidebar:
So with nothing else to do with my time but drink coffee and knit…..but honestly.
I’ve been running/walking a lot in the neighborhood with LanaRae. And I have to say this has been pretty great for me! I was already a lover of walks, especially since I realized it was vital for my canine companion. But it’s now become a routine. Allowing me to get the daily exercise I’ve been needing and also allowing lana to get all her bottled up energy out! But I’ve recently started leaving my ipod at home. And its been so dang pretty outside, I’ve just wanted to take it all in. Cheezy, yes. I know. haha. But the sundown against all the houses and trees, is so amazing! It feels like God is right there with me!! So with no music slowly but surely making my hearing worse, I’ve started to battle with my own thoughts. Wanting to clear my head and breathe in the fresh air, while also letting a million new thoughts and questions all bombard me at once.
Seeing all the pretty perfect houses makes me want a family more than anything! Anything in the entire world!!! I want a man who’s my best friend, who loves me for me and nothing more, who wants to be there for me when I’m sick, and there to wipe my tears when I’m sad. I want someone who’s happy when I’m happy and laughing right along side me. I want a man who wants to give everything they’ve worked for to raise a family right! I want a man who wants to be a father!! Someone who wants to play tea with their little girl, and throw a football with their boy! I want a husband who puts his family first. Who tucks his kids in with a bedtime story and a prayer…with me right there in the bed with them! I want that smile. That pure and selfless happiness! I want to be a wife! I want to make meals for my husband when he gets home, and have crazy passionate sex! I want to take trips together and enjoying chilling on the couch together just the same! I want to be a mother! Someone who gives with nothing expected in return. Someone who loves unconditionally and prays without ceasing! I want a swing set in the backyard where I can push my kids in the fall while watching my love grill dinner right next to us. I want a family. Soooo bad.
Life’s too short and goes by too fast. I’m afraid of missing my opportunity. I’m afraid he may not want all the things I want. I’m afraid he may not want them when I want them.
All I can do is have faith.
That this is God’s plan and he knows my heart.

I’m just so scared….

THANKFUL.

fear |fi(ə)r|
an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that
someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

PSALM 145:20
The Lord watches over all who love Him,
but all the wicked He will destroy.

fear to me is a lot of things…
Lets start with right now.
Right now I’m currently all moved in with my grandparetns. And by all…I mean I have some closet space, a place to store my food, a bed, and my LanaRae! Now not throwing my self a pity party , but it’s definitely not how I imagined the rest of 2012 would go. But that’s when I have to remember that this is not in my hands anymore, it’s in Gods. And I’ve been so blessed to have a family that’ll just let me crash their lifestyle for awhile until I can get back on my feet again. What scares me though…is what’s gonna happen next? What’s my next move gonna be? Where’s it gonna be? Who’s it gonna be with? At this point I literally have no answers, and that to me…is scary! I’m the type of girl who likes to have a plan. All figured out and set in place. But God is slowly starting to break me of that. Little by little He is doing things that MAKE ME rely on Him, and put all my trust in HIM! Which has been honestly life changing! I know all this change happening so sudden and so fast wasn’t too convenient for the worldly side of me, but Im so happy at where I’m at now that I’ve given God full control! I’ve been a happier person, and definitely more JOYFUL! And I feel the spiritual side of me feels so much closer to God now than I have in a really long time! Now I can’t let moving take all the credit, me and my boyfriend finally got back in church and he has been amazingly persistent on staying strong and putting God first! Keeping me accountable on living a God-centered life!

So we’ve been dating for over a year now and it’s been amazing!! Obviously no relationship is perfect (which I know I still can’t get through my head sometimes) but for what we have and what we’ve had….it’s been pretty darn close!! Despite the struggles, up and downs, and emotional sometimes crazy me I wouldn’t trade it for ANYTHING. I love that boy with all my heart and have had the best times I’ll never forget with him! He can make me laugh harder than anyone else and smile bigger than my happiest days. I never really understood dating until now, but being moved apart from living right next door has opened my heart to giving him his space and that space not being a bad thing. Before I thought if we weren’t together something was wrong. But im (slowly) realizing how relationships work, and how sometimes he may just want to be to himself, or want to hang with his friends. Its really hard, only because I feel like were going backwards rather than forwards….but I feel like once again it’s in God’s hands and this is what’s meant to happen. That starting off fresh and “going backwards” a little is only helping us to go forward stronger!

So that leads me to fear in the future..
So I’d say I’m starting to get a hang of giving ry his own time, his space. But here in the next month and a half he’s bout to have A LOT of spacee!! Erg. PAUSE. Let me begin my saying that he has been given a once in a lifetime amazing opportunity to study abroad in spain! Amazing, right?! I could not be happier for him to get to experience Spain! It’s culture, it’s heritage, it’s beauty, it’s views! All the people and the the food! Gosh I couldn’t be more jealous!!! And all while still going to school over there to study what he loves! It’s literally perfect! the only downside……………..it’s. five. moths. Five whole months!!!!! Of being away from me!!  Oh yeah, this is where I get scared! Now I get to be a little selfish (just a little). What the heck am I gonna do for five months?!!! I mean I know I’ll find stuff to occupy myself, maybe. But I won’t get daily communication. I wont get to hug him, kiss him, wrap my arms around him! No watching a movie snuggled up into him with his warm body against mine! No date nights. Literally no physical love. Ugghh. I need his fellowship! Im sure it’ll fly by. And I have lots of family, mine and his, who are all here to love on me while he’s gone….but it just sucks. And the worst part is he’s gonna be way too busy to care. I know he does, but Spain is just going to envelop his everything and become his new life. I’ll just be outta sight outta mind. :/ now i know five months will be forever for me, but for him it’ll seem like nothing! Im happy he gets to stay long enough to really get a grasp and enjoy spain after the initial awe of it all!

So to all you out there reading this, please pray!! Pray for me, pray for him, pray for our relationships with Christ, pray for safety in spain!

It’s not my plan.

So,
I have this thing where I think ideas are mine, and run with them! ha.
About halfway down the road I realize I have no idea where I’m even going…why?
Oh wait, cause it wasnt my plan to begin with. it’s HIS!
I can’t predict the destination if I don’t the route!
So this is me. Humbling myself. To the King of Kings. My Savior, My Lord.
I neeeeed you.
I need your help.
I need your guidance, your wisdom, your strength.
I want patience, kindness, and JOY that abounds and overflows.
I want to not be afraid.
to not feel alone.
surrounded by your angels and filled with your glory.
Just lead me!
I give it all to you!
All of me is yours!

A Little Less. A lot More.

Listen while you read!

So be prepared.
It’s been way too long…

It feels like today took forever to come. And then before I knew it, it was here, ONE YEAR. I have officially been dating my boyfriend one year! And yet it feels like a century. It’s been an amazing, crazy, smile filled journey that I wouldn’t trade for anything! I truly love this man of God with all my heart and can’t see my life without him.

Which scares me more than you’ll ever know.

A year ago today I wasn’t like this. I had my head on my shoulders with no one but myself to worry about. With no cares, no stress, no crazy emotional me. And now…here I am jealous, dependant, fearful, and full of emotions. Gosh I dont know what to do with myself! Im not as confident as I used to be, Im not in church as much as I’d like to be, I have no friends to fellowship with, and I feel like I need ryan to be with me or I fall apart! I dont like this me! I like independent me. Well not like single me, but the way I acted and carried myself when I was single. And Im sure ryan would that me more too.
Just sucks. I need help. I need Christ. I need friends. I love ry with all my heart and cant wait until we have a future together, but for right now i think living next door to each other is hindering our relationship. Just having one another always there gives no room for missing each other, or wanting to see each other, or that desire to do anything because we’re a wall away. This being my first relationship Im still getting my toes wet, and everything im doing is laying down new ground thats never been traveled. So I feel like I never got the story book side. Where I get picked up for dates, and left little sweet notes, and presents for no reason. Now I know im probably being completely foolish and selfish, but sometimes I feel like our living situation has taken that away from me. Which is my own fault.
Hopefully God has this all in His plan, and His timing! Because I surly don’t know what to do! But for now…Im giving it all to Him. Surrendering and handing all I have over to Him. I no longer want to worry or be scared. I want to live free in His glory and joy. I want to hold my head up with confidence and take in every moment I’m given!

To Shine.

Well headed back to good ole knoxville! Goodbye greensboro, thanks for giving us the pleasure of walking your streets, eating at your cutee little diners, and bring us together with our long lost friend Anthropologie. Gosh its just been a little too long since we had seen each other and it was a nice embracement and exchange of goods. I gave her money and she gave me new kitchen goodies! Ahh, so excited! We’re about halfway home and Im already ancy to see my man and my little girl LanaRae!!!! Me and my best friend tay miss our feline companions (AKA best friends/real people) SO MUCH! Time couldn’t go by any slower than it already is! Oooh and just for those of you who haven’t received your tax refunds yet…and still waiting…let me tell you hope is still out there! I JUST received mine (3 weeks later) and gosh is it JOYOUS! haha. Im so excited to finally be able to afford to get things done that have needed to be done. A couple being, a new prescription of contacts&glasses, my LanaRae getting spayed (Eeeeek!), and a much needed oil change! ha. Gosh living the life, i know! But other than the necessities…shopping spree HERE I COME!!!! Urban all the way babyyy! Being my signature store I spend at least a solid $300 buckaroos a year there! A simple treat to myself of course. But me and my boy are hopefully gonna be heading to good ole nashville this week sometime to get some goods! Cant wait! Umm, in other news…we have found a house! Ding ding! Maybe not “the one” but pretty darn perfect for a start! So looking forward to what God has planned for all of us! When there’s a will He makes a way! I trust Him to open the right doors and close the wrong ones! Hmmm, oh and for ya’ll who know my new years resolution…my february’s dinner was a huge success!! Even I liked it! haha. But for march Im struggling with ideas of what to make! It has to be chicken and involve no other meats. So if ya know of any amazing recipes please share!! ope ya’ll have an AMAZING rest of this beautiful sunday and talk to ya soon enough!

FREEEEZING.

HOLY MOLY GAUCOMOLE!!!! It is SO dang cold outsideeee! Geez louise! I hate when lana scratches at the door. Three fourths of the time its cause she wants to go out and play…one fourth of the time its cause she actually has to go to the bathroom! So with this being the case she most definitely takes advantage of me and usually gets to go out. Even though its 10 degrees below zero outside and she takes her good ole time out there I just cant send her mixed signals by not letting her when she “cries wolf”. Ughh. So dang freakin annoying and pisses me the heck off. Now seeing as how im not  a person who reacts in an angry way…I blow up over this! Going around the house screaming mumbo jumbo words just to let out all the steam of me spending a solid 30 minutes chasing my dog back inside. She can be such a brat! its ridiculous. Now for some reason lately i’ve been having awful nightmares. Not the kind that make me scared to sleep in the dark, but the kind where the happily ever after ending falls apart. Where something or another happens between me and my boyfriend and i end up all alone. Lonely, scared, and emptier than ever before. I know it shouldn’t affect anything in our relationship, but I feel like it is. I get scared now during happy moments to actually be happy cause that just means im becoming closer and closer to him. Which also means Im more vulnerable in the end. Gosh I haven’t been like this in such a long time. It sucks. I want these bad dreams to just go away. I cant take living life like he’s gonna leave. I dont even wanna think about it. I wont let the devil in my mind or my dreams! It’s satan talking and i wont have it.

On a different note, school starts back tomorrow! Gosh. excited, but not excited. 15 hours on top of a 40 hour work week. A little too much, but we’ll see how I do! I have 3 classes with a good friend jessica which will be nice, and I do have a joke of a major…but I still feel like with all the busy work I’m going to go into overload! Ha. Lana Rae is getting HUGEEE! Oh my gosh! it’s crazyy! Just the other day she was so little and tiny and now she’s gigantic! It came out of nowhere too! I thought I’d never see the day when she wasnt a little girl, and now I wish those days were back! Other than all that, life’s pretty dang AMAZINGG! I really couldnt ask for anything more. God is looking out for us and will continually provide! :)

Favorite pic from the LA trip…

Hidden.

I feel like I did something wrong. Like I don’t deserve any of this. It’s all a dream, it’ll go away eventually. Why did it start out the way it did, why couldn’t he yave been single? Why, why, why. It hurts. He looked so much happier before. And I ruined that. Like I always do. I get in the middle of people and destroy what was a perfectly good relationship. Or I end up doing it to myself. I get in this mode of thinking and start to hold back. To fade away. To hide, stay hidden. If you loved someone so much before how could you possibly love someone else half as much. You don’t have that much to give. It sucks. Idk what to think. I need to stop. Take a deep breath. And enjoy what I have right now..in the moment. Stop over thinking. Stop worrying. Just relax! It’s in God’s hands. If its not meant to be it wont. If he didnt care he wouldnt be here still. I guess its just cause this is all so new to me. None of this has ever happened before. The comfort, the security, the compassion. Its incredible, and its what God intended to be here on Earth as an example of His love for us. But its so hard for me to allow it…still! ughh. so annoyed with myself. At times i’ll let go. Let my guard down, have fun, be funny, laugh, smile, enjoy myself. Going with the flow. Then out of nowhere I freak out. Cold feet. Scared. What if it doesn’t last. Bam. That’s when God slaps me right in the face and says “uhh hulloo, ya gotta just trust!” Trust that everything happens for a reason. Even timing. Yahh, easy for you to say, you know whats gonna happen!

Morning Dew.

Well…currently 6:15Am and I am wide awake. A miracle right? Haha. For some odd reason I cant go back to bed. Its cool though, I dont get to see the world at this time of day much often. The walls are slowly starting to turn a light shade of blue as the sun creeps its way into my room. And the ambiance of birds are getting louder and clearer as time passes. Not gonna lie, I kinda love this! I’ve got that messy morning look goin on and a fresh brewed vanilla coffee in my lap. Which by the way…best coffee I’ve made to date in this new house! Yumm! Ha. But right now life seems to be easy. Like I can handle anything. Or more like an innocence to this day! The world doesn’t look harsh. It looks mild, calm, and sort of fully rested in a weird kinda way! And of all things a red robin just landed on my window sill. Idk how often all of you see a red robin, but in my case its practically never! Ha. So in the rare chance that I do…it seems like a little glimpse of God in my life! Let me enlighten you…In my old small group we would start off by talking about kisses from the King. And when I say kisses from the King I mean a little reminder that God is watching over us, or something that He did in our week to get our attention and let us know that He is there! For me, a red robin has always been one of those things! Even though they are just a bird, let’s go beyond that fact and look at how I see them. To me they are incredible! Not a common bird. One who leads and not follows. They are strong birds. They sit perched watching all the other birds with their chest up and head out. Like a watchman. Always alert and aware. And their color, so vibrant, so noticeable! It dares you to look and awe at the fact that God could have made such a beautiful creature! I know, I know…its a bird! But to me it reminds me of who God wants me to be! How he wants me to respond. How He wants me to lead. So with my kiss from the King today I hope you go out having a GREAT day and notice your kiss from the KIng this week! Please share as a comment if you care to!

Gracious Giver.

Lord lift me higher, bring me into your presence! Your mercy, your grace, your hope, your peace. Work in me. Use me and teach me. I long to draw closer to you! I can do all things through you who gives me strength. When I’m weak, you pick me up. When I’m broken, you love me. Unconditionally. Unfold your love in my life. Help me to be patient and kind. Humble and strong. I long to desire you! Be my strong tower. Your grace is pouring out into my life…over and abundant! Im ready to live the joyful life you have laid out before me. I want to follow in your footsteps and be who you made me to be! I want to shine that light you lit in me! Be my savior, be my father!

Hands Down.

Gosh! It’s been so long since I last talked to the vast unknown that we call the internet. So…on that note, hello to all! Its been a short while, but I have had a lot of amazing changes. First off i movedd out! Holla holla. Its only been 3 weeks, but best 3 weeks of my life thus far! Ha. It’s been liberating, exciting, stressful, and tiring all in one big sha-bang! The freedom to do whatever I want and whenever I want is glorious. But there is also the other side of the spectrum with bills, responsibility, work, and the whole becoming an adult thing. Ha so great! To be honest it actually has been pretty dang exciting! There have been a few underlying issues, starting to surface, but hopefully those little kinks will work themselves out and God will take care of it all! Secondly, I finally was able to go to church this morning and it was incredible! Not only did God move, but He moved in a way that required change. A change in me…in my heart. That overwhelms my life, my thoughts, and my actions. He wants better for me. Better for us! Hands down its been the most exciting slash best summer yet. And the coolest part is my life is just beginning!

new job!

So…lots of exciting things are happening in mah life!
Lemme just catch ya up a little!
Last saturday was our first day back from the beach…sad day.
BUT it was also the same day Wok Hay hired me on as a server!
Whoop whoop!
So since saturday I have been training my butt offff anticipating the grand opening of this new store on wednesday! Ahh, I’m nervous and excited all at the same time. As long as I’m funenergetic…and friendly…I should be fine right? It’s been grueling though. 12 hour straight training shifts can kinda make you wanna pull your hair out! Especially when they’re doing nothing but talking! Compared to some of the other new servers there I feel like I got this in the bag. But idk. This being my first time ever serving kinda drives me to a corner where in my head everyones picking on me and calling me names. ha. Guess thats just all in my head though! So if you are reading this and live anywhere in the vicinity of turkey creek, please come out and see me! Help lighten the mood! The food is freakin DANK. Ahh, so good! I can say I have successfully tried everything on the menu in the past 48 hours…yah thats right, I gained about 10 pounds in 2 days. Oh well, I’m sure it’ll go straight to my butt anyways. But back to what I was saying…great food, LIVE band, and ME! Other than my new job I feel like God is truly working in my life right now! He is leading me, guiding me, and walking with me! Its so cool to watch the little things He’s doing as he molds into who I am.

It’s like a book.

From beginning to end.
It’s like book.
With an introduction, a middle, and an end.
Starts at one point on the line, goes up the hill, comes back down, and proceeds to just stop.
But there’s so much more than just that…
The drama, the juicy details, the happiness, the hurt.
You feel liberated at one point and depressed the next.
Life.
It rolls out exactly the same.
But in our story there’s this man.
Who never leaves the plot.
He’s there when you laugh, you snort, you get excited, and when you cant stop smiling.
He’s there when you hurt, you cry, you lie, and when you betray.
He’s watches you live, watches you encourage, watches you help, and watches you shine.
He watches you judge, he watches you hate, watches you burden, and envy.
All he wants is you, all of you! To hand over and let him mold.
His potter hands wants to make an AMAZING masterpiece of your story.
He knows our actions, our thoughts, our weaknesses, and our strengths.
And He wants to be there to guide us along the way.
As childlike as this sounds…there’s this light inside of me.
A light that doesn’t want to be smothered or put out.
But its little right now, barely able to keep lit.
Why is Satan so deceiving?
He sits, watches, and waits.
Till your living of the world, till your at your lowest, and lost.
And the thing is…you dont even realize it.
You think life’s great, that all is working out.
Your happy, your living, your going about life just like everyone else.
Except theres this little bit of unsureness.
You cant quite put your finger on it, but its there.
Yeah, thats Satan.
Saying “oh your fine”, “life’s great”, “look at all your friends”, “its just a pill, its just a boy, its just something to drink”.
Then you’re hooked.
Then you’re broken.
Then you’re hurt.
But then there’s God…
Who wants to see you happy, laughing, joyful, and living!
Living a life thats worth something, that you don’t have to think twice about!
Thats the way that I’m longing to live!
That simple, blissful, humble life.
It sure is hard, but I know He’s there to help me along the way.

Role Playing.

Sometimes it feels like people are just role playing. Actually that everyone’s role playing. Life’s one big performance and everyone is picking anc choosing their parts. Like they have decided in their head who they want to be. Not who they actually are…but a combination of images, personalities and characteristics that they think themselves to be. What they wish they were, or what they have deceived themselves into actually being. When does it all stop? The lies. The fakeness. The confusion. It MUST be tiring. Sometimes they start to forget what day it is and the personality they’re supposed to be playing. Which then creates more confusion to the person watching it all fall apart. Do they know we know? That some days they are the put together, got it all under control dont need your help role…then turn around later that day and are needy, never can do it, please help me role. It’s quite complicated. Maybe they dont even realize it happening. That they are playing the role of someone that they are not. It just seems so wrong. Like trying to fit a square in a circle, or a puzzle piece in the space of another piece. Is it cause they dont know they have a purpose? That they were created they were created for a reason! There’s a bigger plan than us. And it all works together perfectly! Oh well…I guess I’ll just let them be who they wanna pretend to be until it all starts to become mundane. A life living for nothing. Emptiness. Sadness. Depression. Let’s hope we arrive to that point soon! Or else…there might not be enough time!


FOREVER.

Who I wanna be and who I am.
two completely different people.
I seem to be stuck in the grey area.
I was always told that area is no good,,,
to  stay where I could be seen by others.
to be encouraged, to be loved.
why do I keep straying away.
I’m in LOVE with this man named Jesus.
he brings me hope. joy. peace. and love enduring forever.
who would ever ask for more?
I strive to live in the light of Christ.
to be like Him, to care like Him, to love like Him.
I’m trying my hardest to not fall.
only HE can give me strength.
its so tough at times.
but its those times that I’ve always come out stronger.
I tend to walk the narrow path.
it’s longer.
but I know it’ll take me to where I need to be.
it’ll watch over me.
like a guardian angel.
protect me from the fear.
my fear is the darkness.
I cant take it.
thats when I call His name.
when the lights are off and Im too myself.
to save me from this world.
it feels like forever.
but I know He’s there.
and I know He cares.
the morning will come soon enough.
and that light will shine so bright that everyone will see,
the joy in my heart that will forever be!

WAKE UP!

Wake upp christians! This is not the old testament anymore! This is new testament, new age, new milenia day and time! We aren’t bible beaters anymore, and we aren’t wearing garments that hang to the floor and towels around our heads anymore (no offense disciples)! We do have chacos now,,,and that’s about the only thing that connects us with the past! That and the love that Christ offers! The people that we are trying to reach aren’t raised in an age knowing Christs’ name! Not only do they not have Jesus their hearts…but they have no grasp of who that even is! A celebrity? A new singer? Or maybe a new addition to the jersey shore cast? Its crazy to think that there’s all this love to spread and its staying idle within our hearts! Why are we not going crazyy and telling everyone like its the new hookup, or oh myy did you hear…I wanna be shining the light of Christ so bright that people need shades on! Haha. Now a days our goal is to be as much like them as much as we aren’t! How will they ever know Him unless we’re the ones setting the example right beside them. We have to be in midst of what they’re struggling with and strong enough to stand up for our own beliefs all at the same time! Christ didn’t send us here to go amongst the christians. He sent us here to go amongst the poor and the needy. The ones who DON’T know Him. The ones who have pains and struggles. I’m not saying christian friends aren’t vital! Because they most certainly are,, we have those friends to encourage us, keep us stable, pray for us, and fellowship with! I don’t know what I would do without my tight knit group of girls who challenge me in my faith. I lovee it! But I use my faith, my trust, and my strength the most when I surround myself with those know don’t know Christ’s love like I do, and deep down know that’s the only thing that will fill that void, that empty hole in their life! That’s why God sent me here…not to walk amongst the christians…but to walk amongst the sinners, cheaters, liars and beggers! That’s when I call on HIM the most!

christmas cheer.

to live. to laugh. to love. HA. so dang cliche! why not just say, be crazy. be funny. and show love to everyone! much better motto. I’ve got the joy joy joy JOY down in my heart, and it’s down in my heart to stay! I’ve been so happy recently and it’s all thanks to our one and only mighty savior and king! He is exalted and lifted high above everyone. It’s kinda nice knowing He’s my safe place. Where nothing can touch or hurt me. That as long as I trust in Him, He is holding me in his arms safe and sound! I should have no fear because He is with me…AT ALL TIMES! Craziness. That’s so considerate and loving of Him! But anywhoo, trusting God with my love life and letting Him take over the steering wheel! Hard move, but smart move! Gotta remember He deserves every single aspect of us, and not only that He wants all of it! I pray for the strength to live according to His word and the desire to do His will. Can’t wait to go down to louisiana! Ahh! Gonna be so much fun. JOY all over the place! I love huge family gatherings, and christmas, and giving presents! Such a happy feeling. It’s not only gonna be great…it’ll be stupenddous! Cannot wait! oh and LOVEEE my tattoo. truly amazing Lord. perfect spot. perfect choice of my handwriting. perfect word. wow!

Empty Smiles.

The worst thing in my life right now, okay maybe not the worst, or even close, but the most discouraging attribute that I have noticed in a lot of my friends right now is something that I would like to refer to as an empty smile. I wouldn’t say it’s something that they can necessarily control, but it’s definitely something that when you look at them you think, “hmm, I wonder what’s truly hindering this person from genuinely caring” or maybe they just could give two flips. That they were never a true friend to begin with and it was a fecad this whole time. I’m not too sure what is going on in these guys and girls lives, but it’s definitely not Jesus Christ. I’m so thankful that I’ve been shown that I am nothing with out Him and that he lives through me! That this body of mine, here on earth is just a vessel. A vessel to shine His light in this gross dirty filthy world. That when I struggle, it’s not my struggle. It’s His. That if I have completely given everything to Him, and let go of any burdens that I have been holding in, that he will take care of it all! It is now His burdens, and His struggles, He has thankfully and graciously given His live to save mine! Wow! Truly amazing! Haha. But back to the empty smiles…I want to show my friends this new found love that I have encountered! These friends that look around in rooms full of people striving for a desire to belong. A desire to be wanted in this needy world. And it’s so true! We have been given this desire to be desired by Christ. He wants us to want Him to where He can fill us up! But instead these people are looking towards worldly material things and people to fill this “hole”. So here I am, with my friendly courteous attitude that wants to put 110% into these friendships of mine, and am only receiving about 35% back. Not okay. I mean some people may not notice those kind of things or even care, but if you honestly want a true friend then I say it’s bout time to fill these empty smiles with legit joy and happiness from the one true God!

My hope.

My hope. Is to be Christ-like. To be perfect in His eyes, and do no wrong. To live according to His word and follow in His footsteps. The wide, deep, and filling footsteps. the kind that overwhelm your tiny little feet once you step into them. It kinda feels like home. A safe place. A place of comfort. Somewhere where you know you belong. I want to be part of a bigger picture. One that reaches out a hand to others and helps them up when they’re in need. I want to speak up. Not hold back what God has given me to use for His purposes. I want to live a pure life. One thats filled with joy. peace. and happiness. I want to laugh abundantly and be filled with His presence. I want to live by the fruits of the spirit. Lord, use me! Teach me! Be my hands and feet. Guide me! Help me to have patience. And help me to dive deeper into your word each and every day. This is my hope.

PAUSE.

Stop moving. Stop the craziness. Stop following others. Stand strong. Stand firm. Stand up for everything you believe in. Start believing that you have what it takes…not just to change others, but to change yourself! Humble yourself enough to think that maybe God has bigger plans for us than we do for ourselves! Trust me. It’s hard to say, and even harder to do! I don’t want to live for this world any longer. My heart belongs to the one and only Jesus Christ and I want everything I do to be unto him! My actions, my words, my thoughts…all to honor and glorify His name. I want to play in the rain! To sing and dance in the rain. To twirl around like a little girl in a ballerina dress in the rain. Not just any rain though, grace like rain. Grace that falls down upon me and washes all my sins away! Like Jesus just showering me and covering me with His love. A Love that goes way beyond physical love though. An emotional love that goes straight to the heart and heals any wounds. A love that is eternal and never ending! That is there when you’re down and cant get back up. He’s there to pick you up and be your hands and your feet. To guide you in the way that you should go. To light your path! Just PAUSE. Stand there and be still. All He wants is for you and me to be happy! To give us everything we ever wanted! For us to have joy and peace and love! To be happy and shine that light for others to see! To spread like wildfire. Like a contagious plague that consumes us from the inside out! To live life for Him! Do it! I’m trying! So why not?

FAITH.

“Now faith is being being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” Hebrews 11:1

God I have faith in you each and everyday! I trust in you with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding! You are the way the truth and the life, and nothing can come between us! You are a miracle worker and a healer!  You make all things new! Your words are like water to my soul and I thirst for you! I want you to be there each and everyday guiding me through the paths you want me to take! Please help me God to decipher right from wrong or what is good for me and what is not! Cause many times i have fallen from not leaning on you and relying that you have me in your hands at all times! It’s like your just sitting there holding this precious new born baby trying to be oh so careful that  she doesn’t awaken! Thats how I picture  you holding me Lord. I can’t wait to be out of the sickened world that has been so confused and brain washed by media, the news, politics, schools, friends, music. I want to LIVE for YOU! Not just talk to you every now and then, or say a prayer or two…but to truly live for you! Make everything I do a step towards you! I want to mirror you! I people to look and be like wow, why is she so happy? Why isn’t she getting mad over that? What does she have that I don’t? How could she just not care about money, bills, time, boys, her social life? That’s who I want to be! Someone who has given everything up to God and it totally and fully reliant on HIM! Someone who trusts without a doubt that he has a plan and that it’s all under control! Go today and live fearlessly! Give abundantly! Laugh loudly! Don’t worry or stress! As long as you’ve given it all to Him, He’s gonna take care of you! Promise!

……this is my prayer to you!

ROMANS 5:1-5

“Therefore since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” ROMANS 5:1-5

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” MATTHEW 6:34