TO BE.

Smile every chance you get.  Not because life has been easy, perfect, or exactly as you had anticipated, but because you choose to be happy and grateful for all the good things you do have and all the problems you know you don’t have.

-Unknown.

This week=crazy!
My expectations have been shattered!
The Lord has done and shown me so many things this week!

I feel loved. I feel whole. I feel NEW!
Sunday is the beginning of the new week.
And my week started with all new wisdom! Wisdom about who I am in Christ, who I wanna be in Christ, and what I want to be for ryan in Christ! To be so blinded by the fact that ryan is gone, I almost missed the biggest picture that God is trying to lay out before me! A picture that will not only help me in this time of need and strengthen our relationship, but strengthen ME!! Wow…hope you’re comfy and settled in a nice little spot, cause this make take a hot second!

So at first I was mad. I was sad. I was angry.
That God would put me in a situation where the (ONE PERSON) who makes me the happiest is a million miles away. With no way of meeting my expectations of always being happy.
FAIL. FAIL. FAIL.
This is my epiphany.
The light bulb that shot off fireworks.
One Person.
He is just one person.
And that my friend, is not right nor fair for anyone!!
I can’t believe I’m the one who was pushing him away, ME!
SINCE WHEN!! Was I this person??
Never in my life have i been a DEPENDENT person.
Never.
And the word itself makes me cringe a little.
Maybe that’s why…maybe that’s why I’ve never fully given all of myself to Christ. The fear of being completely dependent on ONE person. But yet here I am, a person who was depending on one person to make me happy! Ridiculous.

So (whoo hoo) step one admitted.
I’ve been so unfair to completely rely on ryan to make me happy.
Which in the end will just smother him and distance us.
I know, like distance is even a issue right now….
but really, for the long run of our relationship! It’s only gonna make us stronger!
And I honestly have already seen a change, not only in the situation but in me!
I’ve been hanging out with all my friends more, working my butt off, and loving my park days with LanaRae!
Every day has been Christ and Christ alone!! Depending and trusting HIM FULLY every step of the way! I wouldn’t be able to do it without HIM!

Step two, getting into a community. A christian group of people who I can fellowship with and who challenge me to grow stronger in Chirst! Sunday I went with my boyfriends mom to a bible study, hesitant…I was. But OH MY GOSH was it amazing!!!!! Even though the majority of the ladies were married it was such an incredible time of fellowship and digging into their current book, TIm Kellers, The Meaning of Marriage. And even though I’m not married yet…I will be one day and everything they were talking about were things I can apply to my relationship now! Which gets me so excited for the future!! I want to be there spiritually for my husband, and lift him up to God, and encourage him everyday, and challenge him in his walk with Chirst!
Ahhhh!!!
Can you tell I’m excited!!!
God could not have shown up more than He already has! Wow.

So step three, starting to re-mend my relationship with my dad.
Everything is a lot better than it was, and I love my dad
BUT
For now we’re just gonna skip this step….
I still have a lot of praying to do.

Step four, moving out.
Now this has been quite complicated.
But Im just gonna have faith that if this is God’s plan then it’ll all work out and be just fine.

THANKFUL.

fear |fi(ə)r|
an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that
someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

PSALM 145:20
The Lord watches over all who love Him,
but all the wicked He will destroy.

fear to me is a lot of things…
Lets start with right now.
Right now I’m currently all moved in with my grandparetns. And by all…I mean I have some closet space, a place to store my food, a bed, and my LanaRae! Now not throwing my self a pity party , but it’s definitely not how I imagined the rest of 2012 would go. But that’s when I have to remember that this is not in my hands anymore, it’s in Gods. And I’ve been so blessed to have a family that’ll just let me crash their lifestyle for awhile until I can get back on my feet again. What scares me though…is what’s gonna happen next? What’s my next move gonna be? Where’s it gonna be? Who’s it gonna be with? At this point I literally have no answers, and that to me…is scary! I’m the type of girl who likes to have a plan. All figured out and set in place. But God is slowly starting to break me of that. Little by little He is doing things that MAKE ME rely on Him, and put all my trust in HIM! Which has been honestly life changing! I know all this change happening so sudden and so fast wasn’t too convenient for the worldly side of me, but Im so happy at where I’m at now that I’ve given God full control! I’ve been a happier person, and definitely more JOYFUL! And I feel the spiritual side of me feels so much closer to God now than I have in a really long time! Now I can’t let moving take all the credit, me and my boyfriend finally got back in church and he has been amazingly persistent on staying strong and putting God first! Keeping me accountable on living a God-centered life!

So we’ve been dating for over a year now and it’s been amazing!! Obviously no relationship is perfect (which I know I still can’t get through my head sometimes) but for what we have and what we’ve had….it’s been pretty darn close!! Despite the struggles, up and downs, and emotional sometimes crazy me I wouldn’t trade it for ANYTHING. I love that boy with all my heart and have had the best times I’ll never forget with him! He can make me laugh harder than anyone else and smile bigger than my happiest days. I never really understood dating until now, but being moved apart from living right next door has opened my heart to giving him his space and that space not being a bad thing. Before I thought if we weren’t together something was wrong. But im (slowly) realizing how relationships work, and how sometimes he may just want to be to himself, or want to hang with his friends. Its really hard, only because I feel like were going backwards rather than forwards….but I feel like once again it’s in God’s hands and this is what’s meant to happen. That starting off fresh and “going backwards” a little is only helping us to go forward stronger!

So that leads me to fear in the future..
So I’d say I’m starting to get a hang of giving ry his own time, his space. But here in the next month and a half he’s bout to have A LOT of spacee!! Erg. PAUSE. Let me begin my saying that he has been given a once in a lifetime amazing opportunity to study abroad in spain! Amazing, right?! I could not be happier for him to get to experience Spain! It’s culture, it’s heritage, it’s beauty, it’s views! All the people and the the food! Gosh I couldn’t be more jealous!!! And all while still going to school over there to study what he loves! It’s literally perfect! the only downside……………..it’s. five. moths. Five whole months!!!!! Of being away from me!!  Oh yeah, this is where I get scared! Now I get to be a little selfish (just a little). What the heck am I gonna do for five months?!!! I mean I know I’ll find stuff to occupy myself, maybe. But I won’t get daily communication. I wont get to hug him, kiss him, wrap my arms around him! No watching a movie snuggled up into him with his warm body against mine! No date nights. Literally no physical love. Ugghh. I need his fellowship! Im sure it’ll fly by. And I have lots of family, mine and his, who are all here to love on me while he’s gone….but it just sucks. And the worst part is he’s gonna be way too busy to care. I know he does, but Spain is just going to envelop his everything and become his new life. I’ll just be outta sight outta mind. :/ now i know five months will be forever for me, but for him it’ll seem like nothing! Im happy he gets to stay long enough to really get a grasp and enjoy spain after the initial awe of it all!

So to all you out there reading this, please pray!! Pray for me, pray for him, pray for our relationships with Christ, pray for safety in spain!

Don’t wanna be here.

Well…currently sitting in my oh so lovely math class. Writing to you from my tiny little keypad on my phone. Gosh this class is just awful. And when I say awful I mean AWFUL! I hate it. The worst. So boring. Not to mention, it smells! Like gross rotten eggs that have been smoking, ewh. This day has been allright so far. Had a presentation first thing this morning and now in the last class of the day. Hopefully soon to have an amazing lunch date with my beau! Today I’m just writing to write. So be prepared for some rambling nonsense that doesn’t even matter! Not quite sure what I’m craving for lunch. I’ve got some mixed feeling for sushi and mexican but can’t decide. I’m sure you could even say another type of food and it would tickle my fancy. But really, I’m starvinggg! Ahh, gosh. I made the worstt march dinner! Ya know my new years resolution…yeah it was pretty nasty! It looks delicious, but tasted like I was eating a whole lemon. Oh well, guess I gotta fail sometimes. :/ As many of you probably have no idea, my best friendd/roommate is in london! Yepp, good ole LONDON! I missssss her! But she’s off making incredible memories with her fam, sipping tea and looking at art! Jealous, why yes….of course I’m jealous! I wanna be in relaxation world! And especially france! Get me there now! Owah. Maybe one day! But for now I’m just slaving away at double dogs and living the life of the average college student. Eat when can, little sleep, and never ending to-do lists! THE LIFE! I really have enjoyed these past couple days just chillin with our pups and their sweet innocent little hearts! Lovee them so much! Sooooo, guess what! 5 daysssss until I’m 21! Eeek! Holler! I’m. So. Excited! Friday with my bestie, then Saturday with my boy in nashville, and Sunday with the family! Gonna be one of the besttt! Can’t wait! Wine coolers, wine coolers, wine coolers! Until later, hope ya’ll have an AMAZING GOOD FRIDAY! :D

The booth.

Okay so you know those cliche photo strips?! Well I may or may not be obsessed. Haha. Black and white. Vintage. Memories. Happy moments. Spontaneous emotions! Gosh, you just can’t get any better! But sitting in the booth, between the 3 whole seconds they give us to rearrange our faces, so many things started going through my head. The smiles , the laughter, the closeness all seems to be like a dream. somebody pinch me. The sweetness of holding hands and the security of being close all rush through me as if he’ll always be there. Not as just a person to be with, but as a best friend too. Someone I can trust, and count on being there. Someone I tell all my secrets to, confide in, or let go with. Someone who I can be myself around. Someone to be crazy with, or to look at crazy. Getting excited to tell them about your day or just being content not talking at all. It’s the exciting adventure of getting to know every little detail about their past, their everyday, and their plans for ahead. Letting myself open up, to be vulnerable, to be nervous, to be all the normal things that can be. The photo booth pictures seem to be frozen images of the goodness to come. The happiness within me, and the quirkiness of this relationship. All I keep doing is smiling! God is definitely working in me and in this! He is taking me along the path of the long and narrow, but its gonna be so worth it. It feels so comforting. To know that I don’t have to worry or do things on my own. That He has it all planned out already!