KEEP A SECRET…NEW TATTOO=April 15th.
Listen while you read!
So be prepared.
It’s been way too long…
It feels like today took forever to come. And then before I knew it, it was here, ONE YEAR. I have officially been dating my boyfriend one year! And yet it feels like a century. It’s been an amazing, crazy, smile filled journey that I wouldn’t trade for anything! I truly love this man of God with all my heart and can’t see my life without him.
Which scares me more than you’ll ever know.
A year ago today I wasn’t like this. I had my head on my shoulders with no one but myself to worry about. With no cares, no stress, no crazy emotional me. And now…here I am jealous, dependant, fearful, and full of emotions. Gosh I dont know what to do with myself! Im not as confident as I used to be, Im not in church as much as I’d like to be, I have no friends to fellowship with, and I feel like I need ryan to be with me or I fall apart! I dont like this me! I like independent me. Well not like single me, but the way I acted and carried myself when I was single. And Im sure ryan would that me more too.
Just sucks. I need help. I need Christ. I need friends. I love ry with all my heart and cant wait until we have a future together, but for right now i think living next door to each other is hindering our relationship. Just having one another always there gives no room for missing each other, or wanting to see each other, or that desire to do anything because we’re a wall away. This being my first relationship Im still getting my toes wet, and everything im doing is laying down new ground thats never been traveled. So I feel like I never got the story book side. Where I get picked up for dates, and left little sweet notes, and presents for no reason. Now I know im probably being completely foolish and selfish, but sometimes I feel like our living situation has taken that away from me. Which is my own fault.
Hopefully God has this all in His plan, and His timing! Because I surly don’t know what to do! But for now…Im giving it all to Him. Surrendering and handing all I have over to Him. I no longer want to worry or be scared. I want to live free in His glory and joy. I want to hold my head up with confidence and take in every moment I’m given!
Well, well, well….it’s been quite a bit since I’ve talked to you! Ha. Life has been so crazy, exciting, happy, sad, JOYFUL, emotional, and mostly exhausting. I haven’t really been living true to my tattoo and PAUSEing. Ugh, it can just be so hard…when everything else surrounding you is go go go go. I feel like no matter what Im always trying to catch up! Thank JESUS it is finally summer!!!! Yayy! Ahh, what a blessing in itself! So sundays around here are family days, and man do i LOVE sundays. I could cry right now thinking about it…they’re so joyful and happy, and careless, and an abundance of never-ending loveeee!! It fills my heart with all the missing pieces from throughout the week, the true meaning of family kicks in and everyone comes together to just BE. whether it be just watching tv in the same room, or catching up on weekly stories, grilling out, playing board games, or even(i cant believe im saying this) disc golfing together…no matter the activity it brings my family even closer together and fills my heart with love and compassion and support, in which i need all! I think i might be going through a rough patch in my life. Now dont fret, its nothing to worry bout, stop that,,, i can see you worrying through my computer screen!! haha. mom. but just a spot in my life where Jesus is trying to bring be to a better and closer relationship with Him, and in order to do so Im being tested, drilled, questioned….how bad do you want Me? How bad do you want this? how bad to you want others to join with us in My Kingdom? Gosh, and when Jesus brings a challenge the devil sends an army. he wont win. he never does. My God is STRONGER than all of this!! And the best part is He’s on MY SIDE! :) HA! take that. But really,,,it’s been a struggle…but I will make it through all of this, its just hard right now! I feel like ive been someone who im not and apologize to all those who know me and love me. Im not trying to hurt you or push you away, its just been hard. And the devil CAN and WILL find any way to destroy anything good in my life. And i know im not fighting this alone, but sometimes it feels like it. so its hard to take anyones perspective cause they dont know what Im going through. Ahh, gosh, life on earth….such a joke. I cant waitttt to be in heaven! No worries, no stress, just JESUS! gonna be GLORIOUS!! SO while you’ve been gone, LOTS has happened.
We had a birthday,
MY BEST FRIENDDDS BIRTHDAYY!
the JIMMY(mycar) broke
If only I could freeze time.
If only I could start all over.
If only I could change the past…
But I can.
It’s not totally hopeless.
Things can be changed.
Things can be altered.
I can choose what I want,
and when I want it.
I just wish I had done things different.
I wish I had done things right.
I know everything seems so perfect,
but its really not.
I want to be home.
Surround and wrapped by comfort and love.
I want to be somewhere where nothing can touch me.
Thats why I have my best friend.
His name is Jesus.
He saves ME.
He lifts ME up.
He carries ME.
He holds MY hand.
He walks with ME.
He listens to ME.
He leads and guides ME,
to the places I need to be
and the steps I need to go
He shows ME what to do,
He shelters ME.
And all I need is HIM.
So why do I fill my heart with the things of this world.
The distractions, the chaos the clutter.
Its just empty hollow meaningless things.
Until you find His JOY!
Ahh HIS JOY!
It’s a bountiful, never-ending, ceaseless glow.
It can fill a room and envelop a space.
It goes wherever I go.
It leads me to those who are lost,
seeking to be found!
And fills their hearts with a KNOWN happiness!!
It brings me tears!
It brings me laughter!
It brings me…
And smiles all around!
I honestly don’t know what I’d do without HIM.
It was the same for everyone else.
GOSH TWO DAYS DOWN AND ONE MORE TO GO WITHOUT MY BABE. HA. SOUND RIDICULOUS…BUT ITS PROBABLY ONE OF THE HARDEST THINGS IVE HAD TO DO IN A WHILE. PATHETIC, I KNOW. BUT SO TRUE! HIM AND LANARAE ARE LITERALLY MY LIFFE! I LOVE THEM BOTH SOOO MUCH AND HAVING THAT HALF OF ME MISSING JUST SUCKS. ON A MUCH BRIGHTER AND JOYOUS NOTE, I’VE HAD AN AMAZING WEEKEND SO FAR. GOD HAS MOVED IN MY HEART AND HUNDREDS OF OTHER WOMEN AT THIS CONFERENCE THIS WEEKEND! IT WAS TRULY AN INCREDIBLE EXPERIENCE TO BE ABLE TO WATCH TAYLORS MOM, ANGELA THOMAS, MOVE AND SPEAK WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT, WISDOM, LIFE, HOPE, AND LOVE INTO MY LIFE! IM SO THANKFUL FOR BEING ABLE TO WITNESS SO MANY LIVES CHANGE. THIS WEEKEND HAS JUST SHOWN ME SO MUCH ABOUT MYSELF. REVEALED GOOD QUALITIES, AND ALSO REVEALED BAD ONES. DAY BY DAY I WILL HOPEFULLY START TO BECOME A BETTER BETTER ME! AND ITS NOTHING BIG, JUST LITTLE THINGS IVE NOTICED ABOUT MYSELF THAT ID LIKE TO CHANGE. ASKING GOD TO HELP ME THE WHOLE WAY. I WANT TO SURRENDER MY HEART AND MY ALL. KNEELING BEFORE THE LORD AND LETTING HIM TAKE CONTROL. I SEEM TO HAVE FADED FROM THAT…SOMEHOW..SOMEWAY. BUT ID LOVE TO GET BACK ON TRACK, FOLLOWING THE LORD, WHAT HE WANTS FOR ME, HIS DESIRES,THE RIGHT DIRECTION, HIS DECISIONS, THE RIGHT DOORS OPENING AND AT THE RIGHT TIME. IT ALL FITS TOGETHER LIKE THIS AMAZING BEAUTIFUL MASTERPIECE OF A PUZZLE. AND I LOVE IT! AHH…BECOMING MORE AND MORE OBSESSED WITH JESUS!! CANT WAIT TO SHARE ALL MY NEW JOY WITH MY AMAZING SEXY MAN BACK AT HOME! MAYBE…JUST MAYBE WE CAN DO A BIBLE STUDY, OR STUDY BOOK TOGETHER. CAUSE THATS KINDA WHAT IM LOOKIN FOR! WISH ME LUCKK!
Man oh man…
Well life sure has been interesting!
We’ve all been up and we’ve all been down.
Happy moments and crying ones.
God has to truly be moving in all of our lives…
Recently me and my roommate taylor have started her moms new book called Choosing Joy! Gosh, such an incredible blessing that devotional has been! Each day we’ve learned to keep our heads up and not let the things of this world get us down! The little anger moments, or ungrateful moments, or moments where people can be so rude, hateful, or mean. Those are all the moments where the devil has a open door to just come in and steal all our joy! It’s been so hard. The Lord is getting to do something BIG and I cant wait to see what it is! The devil has been testing us and its literally been one of the hardest things I’ve had to deal with in my life! I can’t so it alone either! With the support and fellowship and my best friends and my boyfriend I’ve been slowly dragging myself through the past couple of days! To put things into perspective…lets start with my best friend taylors roommate moved out. Yepp, the one who moved in to where I could live with Ryan. Well she’s gone now and it feels like all hell is braking loose! Drama drama drama, is all I have to say…for now at least! Long story really short, she is now gone and Im moving back in with taylor, Leaving Ryan alone. But thankfully not alone anymore, one of his good buddies is moving and and hopefully will turn out for the best! When I say best I mean not get on each others last nerve and live peacefully within the same confines. But so far so good. I have successfully moved all my things over and his new roommate is slowly moving all his stuff in! Cha-chingg! holla. All is good again right? HA. yeah right. Work has been awful! No business, so slow, and making little to no money. Getting cut after only being there for an hour and only having one table just sucks. Or having to be there all night and close and getting stiffed twice. You pick…either or both suck. How bout we talk about how incredibly hard it has been on my heart moving out! Holy moly good gracious alive! Its almost as if I had lost my boyfriend, best friends, and every loving family member…thats how bad. Im not sure why its not just easy to go back to the way it was before, but moving in with him just made us that much closer. I feel like it made us closer, stronger, and more loving as a couple. And now that Im having to leave that it feels like my hearts just being ripped out. Or that Im losing my best friend. Thankfully God has been there through all of this and setting aside my emotional wreck I will be fine and we will both get through this stronger than we were before! Its just gonna take time, and support. As much as its gonna suck, I think in the end we will be so much happier. And not to mention we still live right next door and are getting a house within the next 6 months. Crazy right? so I think I can manage…maybe. Ha.
So with this joyful looking forward attitude…I would like to say that I cant wait to be living with taylor! Now that we’ve experienced living with others, its now time to put our situation back to the test! Except this time more prepared than before! We know more about each other and our ways and I feel like we’re on the same page again! Holla holla. Thank Jesus for friends! I cant wait to have girls night, sleepovers every night, friends, gossip girl, pretty little liars, paint our nails and straighten our hair,you name it and thats us! So now not only are we reuniting but so are our precious little ones! LanaRae and Bentley are SO excited! Ha. Playtime all the time!
So cross your fingers and say a prayer for us! Cause this is gonna be one heck of a ride…
I feel like I did something wrong. Like I don’t deserve any of this. It’s all a dream, it’ll go away eventually. Why did it start out the way it did, why couldn’t he yave been single? Why, why, why. It hurts. He looked so much happier before. And I ruined that. Like I always do. I get in the middle of people and destroy what was a perfectly good relationship. Or I end up doing it to myself. I get in this mode of thinking and start to hold back. To fade away. To hide, stay hidden. If you loved someone so much before how could you possibly love someone else half as much. You don’t have that much to give. It sucks. Idk what to think. I need to stop. Take a deep breath. And enjoy what I have right now..in the moment. Stop over thinking. Stop worrying. Just relax! It’s in God’s hands. If its not meant to be it wont. If he didnt care he wouldnt be here still. I guess its just cause this is all so new to me. None of this has ever happened before. The comfort, the security, the compassion. Its incredible, and its what God intended to be here on Earth as an example of His love for us. But its so hard for me to allow it…still! ughh. so annoyed with myself. At times i’ll let go. Let my guard down, have fun, be funny, laugh, smile, enjoy myself. Going with the flow. Then out of nowhere I freak out. Cold feet. Scared. What if it doesn’t last. Bam. That’s when God slaps me right in the face and says “uhh hulloo, ya gotta just trust!” Trust that everything happens for a reason. Even timing. Yahh, easy for you to say, you know whats gonna happen!
Well…currently 6:15Am and I am wide awake. A miracle right? Haha. For some odd reason I cant go back to bed. Its cool though, I dont get to see the world at this time of day much often. The walls are slowly starting to turn a light shade of blue as the sun creeps its way into my room. And the ambiance of birds are getting louder and clearer as time passes. Not gonna lie, I kinda love this! I’ve got that messy morning look goin on and a fresh brewed vanilla coffee in my lap. Which by the way…best coffee I’ve made to date in this new house! Yumm! Ha. But right now life seems to be easy. Like I can handle anything. Or more like an innocence to this day! The world doesn’t look harsh. It looks mild, calm, and sort of fully rested in a weird kinda way! And of all things a red robin just landed on my window sill. Idk how often all of you see a red robin, but in my case its practically never! Ha. So in the rare chance that I do…it seems like a little glimpse of God in my life! Let me enlighten you…In my old small group we would start off by talking about kisses from the King. And when I say kisses from the King I mean a little reminder that God is watching over us, or something that He did in our week to get our attention and let us know that He is there! For me, a red robin has always been one of those things! Even though they are just a bird, let’s go beyond that fact and look at how I see them. To me they are incredible! Not a common bird. One who leads and not follows. They are strong birds. They sit perched watching all the other birds with their chest up and head out. Like a watchman. Always alert and aware. And their color, so vibrant, so noticeable! It dares you to look and awe at the fact that God could have made such a beautiful creature! I know, I know…its a bird! But to me it reminds me of who God wants me to be! How he wants me to respond. How He wants me to lead. So with my kiss from the King today I hope you go out having a GREAT day and notice your kiss from the KIng this week! Please share as a comment if you care to!
Lord lift me higher, bring me into your presence! Your mercy, your grace, your hope, your peace. Work in me. Use me and teach me. I long to draw closer to you! I can do all things through you who gives me strength. When I’m weak, you pick me up. When I’m broken, you love me. Unconditionally. Unfold your love in my life. Help me to be patient and kind. Humble and strong. I long to desire you! Be my strong tower. Your grace is pouring out into my life…over and abundant! Im ready to live the joyful life you have laid out before me. I want to follow in your footsteps and be who you made me to be! I want to shine that light you lit in me! Be my savior, be my father!
Sometimes it feels like people are just role playing. Actually that everyone’s role playing. Life’s one big performance and everyone is picking anc choosing their parts. Like they have decided in their head who they want to be. Not who they actually are…but a combination of images, personalities and characteristics that they think themselves to be. What they wish they were, or what they have deceived themselves into actually being. When does it all stop? The lies. The fakeness. The confusion. It MUST be tiring. Sometimes they start to forget what day it is and the personality they’re supposed to be playing. Which then creates more confusion to the person watching it all fall apart. Do they know we know? That some days they are the put together, got it all under control dont need your help role…then turn around later that day and are needy, never can do it, please help me role. It’s quite complicated. Maybe they dont even realize it happening. That they are playing the role of someone that they are not. It just seems so wrong. Like trying to fit a square in a circle, or a puzzle piece in the space of another piece. Is it cause they dont know they have a purpose? That they were created they were created for a reason! There’s a bigger plan than us. And it all works together perfectly! Oh well…I guess I’ll just let them be who they wanna pretend to be until it all starts to become mundane. A life living for nothing. Emptiness. Sadness. Depression. Let’s hope we arrive to that point soon! Or else…there might not be enough time!
Who I wanna be and who I am.
two completely different people.
I seem to be stuck in the grey area.
I was always told that area is no good,,,
to stay where I could be seen by others.
to be encouraged, to be loved.
why do I keep straying away.
I’m in LOVE with this man named Jesus.
he brings me hope. joy. peace. and love enduring forever.
who would ever ask for more?
I strive to live in the light of Christ.
to be like Him, to care like Him, to love like Him.
I’m trying my hardest to not fall.
only HE can give me strength.
its so tough at times.
but its those times that I’ve always come out stronger.
I tend to walk the narrow path.
but I know it’ll take me to where I need to be.
it’ll watch over me.
like a guardian angel.
protect me from the fear.
my fear is the darkness.
I cant take it.
thats when I call His name.
when the lights are off and Im too myself.
to save me from this world.
it feels like forever.
but I know He’s there.
and I know He cares.
the morning will come soon enough.
and that light will shine so bright that everyone will see,
the joy in my heart that will forever be!
Wake upp christians! This is not the old testament anymore! This is new testament, new age, new milenia day and time! We aren’t bible beaters anymore, and we aren’t wearing garments that hang to the floor and towels around our heads anymore (no offense disciples)! We do have chacos now,,,and that’s about the only thing that connects us with the past! That and the love that Christ offers! The people that we are trying to reach aren’t raised in an age knowing Christs’ name! Not only do they not have Jesus their hearts…but they have no grasp of who that even is! A celebrity? A new singer? Or maybe a new addition to the jersey shore cast? Its crazy to think that there’s all this love to spread and its staying idle within our hearts! Why are we not going crazyy and telling everyone like its the new hookup, or oh myy did you hear…I wanna be shining the light of Christ so bright that people need shades on! Haha. Now a days our goal is to be as much like them as much as we aren’t! How will they ever know Him unless we’re the ones setting the example right beside them. We have to be in midst of what they’re struggling with and strong enough to stand up for our own beliefs all at the same time! Christ didn’t send us here to go amongst the christians. He sent us here to go amongst the poor and the needy. The ones who DON’T know Him. The ones who have pains and struggles. I’m not saying christian friends aren’t vital! Because they most certainly are,, we have those friends to encourage us, keep us stable, pray for us, and fellowship with! I don’t know what I would do without my tight knit group of girls who challenge me in my faith. I lovee it! But I use my faith, my trust, and my strength the most when I surround myself with those know don’t know Christ’s love like I do, and deep down know that’s the only thing that will fill that void, that empty hole in their life! That’s why God sent me here…not to walk amongst the christians…but to walk amongst the sinners, cheaters, liars and beggers! That’s when I call on HIM the most!
Oh my goodness! This is ridiculous and I need to stop! I’m literally baby CRAZYY! AHH,,,HELP! I wanna have morning sickness and watch my belly grow and hold it as it gets bigger! I want to clichely rest my arms on top of my stomach as I watch GLEE & modern family! I want to waddle around. I want to dress in cute maternity clothes. I want to buy precious adorable baby clothes as I picture what my child will look like! I wanna sit in the house while it raining outside and just rock my babe to sleep! I wanna talk to my stomach and say cute things and listen to the heartbeat bounce up and down. I want lay on the couch and just gaze at my man holding and embracing his new little creation! I want cute photography family portraits in grassy fields! I want a dang baby soooo bad. And why? Well that’s a darn good question! A…I would need a baby daddy, or better yet a husband. Yeah thats it, a husband! haha. But first I gotta start as simple as a boyfriend. Uhh, thats where the problem lies. Why is it that I’m bout to finish my sophomore year of college and still have yet to have a legit boyfriend? And by boyfriend I’m talking…someone who asks me out/it’s official/we’re dating/dinner & movies/holding hands/ actual emotions/hooking up/ THE WHOLE SHAA-BANG! Not just the last one….so sad. my life needs to get it together in the boy department. it’s lagging big time. I feel like it’s not me though. I seriously put myself out there and be myself. I laugh. I fight. I flirt. eh,,,not so much on the flirting. haha. its just not my thing! I mean don’t get me wrong I wish it was…but it’s most definitely not! So that’s now my new thing FLIRTING! haha. however the heckk I can. it’s on!
Well howdy doo there! Wow. It has honestly been forever since the last time I blogged. But hope all is well with everyone! Soo…only 6 more classes and I’m through! Ahh! I’m so freakin excited! For those of you who don’t know me personally I’d like to say that I had a major meltdown a few weeks ago and almost quit everything! I was seriously on the edge of just giving up. When oddly enough my DAD stepped into the picture and encouraged me to keep going! Ding ding! Haha. But for real. It’s nice to have pride in yourself and that feeling of actually getting something that big accomplished on your own! Now>>>this is where school turns into boys! Ha. There was/is the guy last semester that I was really in to! He went to pellissippi and is a HUGE good ole’ Christian boy! LOVE IT. Yada yada yada, long story short I messed things up with him, BUT we are starting to hang as friends again! So who knows where that could lead! :) Then BOYS fade into work. AS ALWAYS! I’m kinda sorta interested in finding out more about this guy that used to go to my school! He seems to be fun, quirky, sweet, and a little sarcastic! Haha which is usually a plus! But I honestly don’t know what I should do! Eeeek! Why so complicated. I figure that the first boyyy needs to come back into my LIFE! Perfect! Plan resolved!
“Now faith is being being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” Hebrews 11:1
God I have faith in you each and everyday! I trust in you with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding! You are the way the truth and the life, and nothing can come between us! You are a miracle worker and a healer! You make all things new! Your words are like water to my soul and I thirst for you! I want you to be there each and everyday guiding me through the paths you want me to take! Please help me God to decipher right from wrong or what is good for me and what is not! Cause many times i have fallen from not leaning on you and relying that you have me in your hands at all times! It’s like your just sitting there holding this precious new born baby trying to be oh so careful that she doesn’t awaken! Thats how I picture you holding me Lord. I can’t wait to be out of the sickened world that has been so confused and brain washed by media, the news, politics, schools, friends, music. I want to LIVE for YOU! Not just talk to you every now and then, or say a prayer or two…but to truly live for you! Make everything I do a step towards you! I want to mirror you! I people to look and be like wow, why is she so happy? Why isn’t she getting mad over that? What does she have that I don’t? How could she just not care about money, bills, time, boys, her social life? That’s who I want to be! Someone who has given everything up to God and it totally and fully reliant on HIM! Someone who trusts without a doubt that he has a plan and that it’s all under control! Go today and live fearlessly! Give abundantly! Laugh loudly! Don’t worry or stress! As long as you’ve given it all to Him, He’s gonna take care of you! Promise!
……this is my prayer to you!
“Therefore since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” ROMANS 5:1-5
“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” MATTHEW 6:34