The Comparison Trap.

Always wanting what I don’t have.

Healthy…no. But true.
It’s hard to not get caught up in the whirlwind of one thing after another.
One minute it’s the new iPhone, and in a blink of an eye I have a pup, an apartment, and a basket full of bills. From one thing to the next. And boyyy is it addictive.
A worldly standard at its finest.

And for me, it starts to envelop and weave its way into every little aspect of my life. From something as simple as the way I dress and the color of my hair. Then leaping forward to comparing my relationship status to someone else’s. Most recently I’ve been sucked into this rapid river of lies. The way we spend are free time, the way we’re seen by others, the pace of our relationship. Talk about putting us in a box and sucking all the air out! But having since come to this epiphany, I think I’ve taken a couple steps back and really looked at what I have, where I’ve been, and where I’m striving to go. I can honestly admit that patience is my worst virtue! I mean I just straight up suck at it! Haha. And of course it seems to be fit that patience is one of the key components to love!

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” 1Corinthians 13:4-7

This is what I desire. To be this for him in any and every way! Day by day I’m proven how much my man really does care. How much he loves me, cares about me, and wants to be my best friend for the rest of our lives! He’s been building his trust back from ground up. A whole new foundation and a really a whole new person! He’s affectionate, he’s kind, and responds instead of reacting (for the most part that is) But I can also take fault for losing my temper every now and then! ;) It’s the little kisses, the “i love you’s”, the snuggles for no reason, the flowers, the dinners, the encouragement and man oh man the support! The way we work out problems and overcome struggles. The way we’re growing in Christ and building towards our future! It’s just truly been an incredible and overwhelming past 3 months. Only looking toward all the blessings yet to come! Yah yah, so why worry right?? I guess it’s just the little girl inside of me that’s scared of the past. Scared of “what could happen”. But in no way is that healthy, for me or for us. So here’s to what’s to come, a toast! All the smiles, the laughter, the joy! The rough times, and the hills. I’m ready to take it on with a new perspective. A more positive trusting perspective. I’ve chosen to forgive and look towards the happily ever after I’ve always wanted for us. I know the day is coming, at least I really hope so! Haha. I just gotta be patient and let him do his thing! It hasn’t been easy and I’m sure it won’t get any easier, but I’m ready to take on that challenge. To me it’s all worth it!! Im so ready to take a back seat to God! To give Him full and total control! He has blessed me with SO much up to this point. The least I can do is just trust Him and have faith it’s all in his timing.
A Christian standard at its finest!

in this moment.

No regrets.
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New Obsession.
Elbow Patches.
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Once an artist.
Always an artist.
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Caught in a ray of sunshine! Blessed by God!
Can’t stop smiling, couldn’t be happier.
tumblr_llymw98pzo1qh588j_largeCan’t wait to be married one day.
Every girl’s dream.
To be unconditionally loved.
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SEVEN more days till my new HOME. 3429361297_c579e0d6ea_thumb

KEEP A SECRET…NEW TATTOO=April 15th.



APRIL.

Gahh Lee!!!!
I am beyond BLESSED! Literally, beyond. April here we come!!!
It is gonna be the BEST BIRTHDAY MONTH yet! Taking in each day alongside Christ and I could not be happier! We’ve had amazing beautiful weather that makes you wanna just walk around grinning from cheek to cheek! And I have so much support and love surrounding me at all sides! My immediate family as well as my boyfriends family! I loveee them with all of me and couldn’t be more thankful for everything they do for me!! The past few months have been crazy but with them, Jesus, and my friends…I’ve made it!!
Everything has fallen into place all in God’s timing and I’m sooo excitedddd!!!
Geez SO much going on in APRIL! Where do I even begin?!

THE APARTMENT.
So I got the apartment! Whoop Whoop! Move-in day is APRIL 7th ya’ll! I feel like this new place is gonna change my life!! Haha dorky? maybe. But it’s honestly like a whole new chapter. My OWN place. With my little bedroom, bath, living room, dining room and kitchen! Eeek!! Me and Lana doin what we want, when we want! I can’t wait to decorate everything and get settled in! And I’m excited to paint!! Think I’m gonna do some accent walls. But haven’t really decided on what and where. I’ve been doing some apartment shopping (which is soo much fun when you actually have money btw) haha. And Im the proud new owner of pots, pans, tubberware, cutting boards, a couch, and entertainment center!!! Holy cow.
13 days.

    ...       ...

 

BIRTHDAYS.
So people say April is the month of showers. Literally, yes. Figuratively, most definitely! God has been showering me with blessing after blessing, along with HIS grace, mercy, and love! Not only is this MY BIRTHDAY month. But it’s all of the people I love soo much’s too! Christy, bekah, my brother, and my two best friends!! Eeek! What a great month full of JOY, LOVE, and HAPPINESS!
So…TWENTY-TWO! Whooo Hooo!

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Can’t believe I’m in my twenties already, let alone past the age of being able to legally drink. But with this age, and this month. It’s bringing a whole new light to my life. A maturity if you will. A confidence. An air about myself. I’ll be on my own again and this time it’s literally just me.
Well me and LanaRae. haha. It’s a whole new journey! And I gotta admit…IM SO EXCITEDD!! For everything twenty-two has in store! So I’ve been shopping for the apartment so much, making sure I’m prepared and all…I haven’t really gotten to spend any “me” money!

So with it being my birthday…it seems fit to spill my birthday wishes!tumblr_lus0ffrYcf1qdjl1do1_500_largeUmm….YES PLEASEEE!!!
But I guess these are more realistic…haha.
tumblr_mgbrmvPSnv1s2947uo1_500_large755398-10-1339356379087_largeSo if the apartment isn’t a big enough birthday present to myself…I would love a pair of black hunter rainboots!! Also in love with this purple-y down jacket made by Columbia! Umm…maybe throw in some packages of 600 polaroid film, oh and Viva La Juicy! Other than that…just whatever is cute and petite and vintage like or would be good for a new home!
17 DAYS.

RYAN COMING HOME.
Ahh geez. Lets see.
Excited. Nervous. Thrilled. Scared. Can’t Wait. Vulnerable.
It’s been soo long since I’ve seen his face. Since I’ve heard his voice. Since I’ve held his hand. Or kissed his lips. I miss movie nights. date nights. makin dinner together. waking up next to him. snuggling against his body. being the little spoon. makin out. hookin up. going to the park. going to play disc golf. Gosh the memories are endless.
In two days it’ll be a year and a half.
A YEAR AND A HALF!

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Seems like eternity. Gosh, how in the heck did I get this far with someone?!! Only God! Cause He knows me and my heart! The only reason I’ve made it these past three months without ry, is CHRIST. I love this boy with everythingg in me and cannot WAIT for all God has in store for us! The way he wants to lead us, guide us, direct our path! Our relationship is in HIS hands. But like I said I’m scared. Scared of ever being hurt. And nervous. Nervous to allow myself to be vulnerable. Not gonna lie, I dont think it’s gonna be easy what. so. ever. But who knows, maybe everything will be great and go right back to normal with no hesitations. I want him homeeee! The anticipation is killing me!
33 DAYS.

TO BE.

Smile every chance you get.  Not because life has been easy, perfect, or exactly as you had anticipated, but because you choose to be happy and grateful for all the good things you do have and all the problems you know you don’t have.

-Unknown.

This week=crazy!
My expectations have been shattered!
The Lord has done and shown me so many things this week!

I feel loved. I feel whole. I feel NEW!
Sunday is the beginning of the new week.
And my week started with all new wisdom! Wisdom about who I am in Christ, who I wanna be in Christ, and what I want to be for ryan in Christ! To be so blinded by the fact that ryan is gone, I almost missed the biggest picture that God is trying to lay out before me! A picture that will not only help me in this time of need and strengthen our relationship, but strengthen ME!! Wow…hope you’re comfy and settled in a nice little spot, cause this make take a hot second!

So at first I was mad. I was sad. I was angry.
That God would put me in a situation where the (ONE PERSON) who makes me the happiest is a million miles away. With no way of meeting my expectations of always being happy.
FAIL. FAIL. FAIL.
This is my epiphany.
The light bulb that shot off fireworks.
One Person.
He is just one person.
And that my friend, is not right nor fair for anyone!!
I can’t believe I’m the one who was pushing him away, ME!
SINCE WHEN!! Was I this person??
Never in my life have i been a DEPENDENT person.
Never.
And the word itself makes me cringe a little.
Maybe that’s why…maybe that’s why I’ve never fully given all of myself to Christ. The fear of being completely dependent on ONE person. But yet here I am, a person who was depending on one person to make me happy! Ridiculous.

So (whoo hoo) step one admitted.
I’ve been so unfair to completely rely on ryan to make me happy.
Which in the end will just smother him and distance us.
I know, like distance is even a issue right now….
but really, for the long run of our relationship! It’s only gonna make us stronger!
And I honestly have already seen a change, not only in the situation but in me!
I’ve been hanging out with all my friends more, working my butt off, and loving my park days with LanaRae!
Every day has been Christ and Christ alone!! Depending and trusting HIM FULLY every step of the way! I wouldn’t be able to do it without HIM!

Step two, getting into a community. A christian group of people who I can fellowship with and who challenge me to grow stronger in Chirst! Sunday I went with my boyfriends mom to a bible study, hesitant…I was. But OH MY GOSH was it amazing!!!!! Even though the majority of the ladies were married it was such an incredible time of fellowship and digging into their current book, TIm Kellers, The Meaning of Marriage. And even though I’m not married yet…I will be one day and everything they were talking about were things I can apply to my relationship now! Which gets me so excited for the future!! I want to be there spiritually for my husband, and lift him up to God, and encourage him everyday, and challenge him in his walk with Chirst!
Ahhhh!!!
Can you tell I’m excited!!!
God could not have shown up more than He already has! Wow.

So step three, starting to re-mend my relationship with my dad.
Everything is a lot better than it was, and I love my dad
BUT
For now we’re just gonna skip this step….
I still have a lot of praying to do.

Step four, moving out.
Now this has been quite complicated.
But Im just gonna have faith that if this is God’s plan then it’ll all work out and be just fine.

THANKFUL.

fear |fi(ə)r|
an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that
someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

PSALM 145:20
The Lord watches over all who love Him,
but all the wicked He will destroy.

fear to me is a lot of things…
Lets start with right now.
Right now I’m currently all moved in with my grandparetns. And by all…I mean I have some closet space, a place to store my food, a bed, and my LanaRae! Now not throwing my self a pity party , but it’s definitely not how I imagined the rest of 2012 would go. But that’s when I have to remember that this is not in my hands anymore, it’s in Gods. And I’ve been so blessed to have a family that’ll just let me crash their lifestyle for awhile until I can get back on my feet again. What scares me though…is what’s gonna happen next? What’s my next move gonna be? Where’s it gonna be? Who’s it gonna be with? At this point I literally have no answers, and that to me…is scary! I’m the type of girl who likes to have a plan. All figured out and set in place. But God is slowly starting to break me of that. Little by little He is doing things that MAKE ME rely on Him, and put all my trust in HIM! Which has been honestly life changing! I know all this change happening so sudden and so fast wasn’t too convenient for the worldly side of me, but Im so happy at where I’m at now that I’ve given God full control! I’ve been a happier person, and definitely more JOYFUL! And I feel the spiritual side of me feels so much closer to God now than I have in a really long time! Now I can’t let moving take all the credit, me and my boyfriend finally got back in church and he has been amazingly persistent on staying strong and putting God first! Keeping me accountable on living a God-centered life!

So we’ve been dating for over a year now and it’s been amazing!! Obviously no relationship is perfect (which I know I still can’t get through my head sometimes) but for what we have and what we’ve had….it’s been pretty darn close!! Despite the struggles, up and downs, and emotional sometimes crazy me I wouldn’t trade it for ANYTHING. I love that boy with all my heart and have had the best times I’ll never forget with him! He can make me laugh harder than anyone else and smile bigger than my happiest days. I never really understood dating until now, but being moved apart from living right next door has opened my heart to giving him his space and that space not being a bad thing. Before I thought if we weren’t together something was wrong. But im (slowly) realizing how relationships work, and how sometimes he may just want to be to himself, or want to hang with his friends. Its really hard, only because I feel like were going backwards rather than forwards….but I feel like once again it’s in God’s hands and this is what’s meant to happen. That starting off fresh and “going backwards” a little is only helping us to go forward stronger!

So that leads me to fear in the future..
So I’d say I’m starting to get a hang of giving ry his own time, his space. But here in the next month and a half he’s bout to have A LOT of spacee!! Erg. PAUSE. Let me begin my saying that he has been given a once in a lifetime amazing opportunity to study abroad in spain! Amazing, right?! I could not be happier for him to get to experience Spain! It’s culture, it’s heritage, it’s beauty, it’s views! All the people and the the food! Gosh I couldn’t be more jealous!!! And all while still going to school over there to study what he loves! It’s literally perfect! the only downside……………..it’s. five. moths. Five whole months!!!!! Of being away from me!!  Oh yeah, this is where I get scared! Now I get to be a little selfish (just a little). What the heck am I gonna do for five months?!!! I mean I know I’ll find stuff to occupy myself, maybe. But I won’t get daily communication. I wont get to hug him, kiss him, wrap my arms around him! No watching a movie snuggled up into him with his warm body against mine! No date nights. Literally no physical love. Ugghh. I need his fellowship! Im sure it’ll fly by. And I have lots of family, mine and his, who are all here to love on me while he’s gone….but it just sucks. And the worst part is he’s gonna be way too busy to care. I know he does, but Spain is just going to envelop his everything and become his new life. I’ll just be outta sight outta mind. :/ now i know five months will be forever for me, but for him it’ll seem like nothing! Im happy he gets to stay long enough to really get a grasp and enjoy spain after the initial awe of it all!

So to all you out there reading this, please pray!! Pray for me, pray for him, pray for our relationships with Christ, pray for safety in spain!

IMPETUOUSLY WANDERING.

impetuous |imˈpe ch oōəs|
adjective
acting or done quickly and without thought or care

This is me.
Currently.

Right now:
Im taking the summer to work, relax, get things done, and continue to fall head over heels for the one I love. That means trying to make money, spending that money, and continuing to passionately pursue my boyfriend in a loving, healthy, devoted, vulnerable, Godly manner. Gosh the privilege of being a girl sucks sometimes though. Besides the  monthly hey how ya doin’ emotional roller coaster, it seemed to a pretty rough month all together!
Man was it not pleasant to be around me!

The Job:
Well a day never ceases to pass where I’m not at work serving people food and asking “Would you like fries with that?” But I’d have to say that there is never a dull day serving in a sports bar and its one of the best jobs I’ve had in a long while! Even though I get those few people who just dont seem to care for life or being happy what.so.ever., I can never keep a smile off my face serving others. Im not sure if its the people, the atmosphere, or just the fact of being surrounded by a community of people who all wanna talk! But Im starting to find myself wanting a new job, dont get me wrong…I make really good money and love what I do but I’d like a solid 9 to 5 job, monday through friday. Is that too much to ask?! I think not! Ha. What Im really lookin for is a job at the childrens hospital or maybe interning at a school or daycare facility! Something that follows along the lines of my future career would be AMAZING!

The Boy:
Gosh has it been one of the most INCREDIBLE rides of my LIFE!! Tomorrow will be 9 months with my boyfriend!! NINE MONTHS! Feels crazy to say, crazy to write. I honestly cant believe how Gods timing works and how he put me in the perfect place at the perfect time to be able to find Ryan! And to think how gracious God is to share him with me and allow me to just be the utmost of who I really am with him! I laugh, I cry, I go through every single emotion a healthy relationship should! But the best part of it all is I truly cant imagine my life any other way! Right here and right now is the happiest I’ve been in forever! He makes me smile SOO much that my mouth starts to hurt and I start to feel like its unreal, some kind of dream that God has given me the privilege of being part of! So life changing! Sooo on a side note my man has set up a surprise! Eeek! We’re gonna be going sometime in August and I. cant. wait!! Im the type of person who will usually talk my way into figuring out what it is, but Ive tried to step back on this one and Ry’s been strong on not telling me! But Im sooo excited to know where we’re going and what we’ll be doing! Gonna be AMAZING!!! He’s dropped some little hints…and i know its for our one year anniversary, but im trying not to think too hard about it, i dont wanna figure it out!

Christ:
So i wouldnt say Im off the path, in any way, shape, or form…but I am IMPETUOUSLY WANDERING! I seem to be making decisions, doing things, saying things, acting out without thinking of the later consequence. Or asking is this right? I haven’t considered Jesus in the picture at all. Like really? Who am I? Jesus is my everything! Jesus is my all! Jesus has shown me the path and I am happily walking down that path! But its about time I kick my spirit man into overdrive! I want to strive for God! I want to crave reading His word! I want to be overwhelmed and surround by His presence, His love, His glory, His grace!! Like I said I havent gone down the wrong path at all, just lost sight of the end. But all thats starting to change! I live so much more happily along side of Christ!! He gives me more Joy than any earthly thing ever could. Im pretty excited cause my boyfriend is getting sundays back!! Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! Haha. But really, im so excited he’s gonna have sundays to come to church with me and spend the rest of the day with either my family or his!

My Current Problems:
I get angry. Real easy. Real fast. And it could be about the stupidest little thing! But its not good. at all. Please pray for me!! Its a constant struggle, and really hard to admit because its something I took away from my father (one of the biggest things I despised) so Im taking the first step and realizing its an issue. And in Jesus name I will not let it control me! Its just so hard for those who are around me the most, and I am so thankful to be surrounded by so much love and patience that I dont deserve!

The Impossible.

So if God can do the impossible…why don’t we treat Him that way? If he can move the mountains and heal the sick, then why do we take it upon ourselves to do the work? We are tiny. Literally a spec of dirt in His vast world, and somehow we think we can fix things on our own. Sorry to break the bad news, but we can’t! If we as Christians believe in Christ then we must put our faith in His hands, and let Him do want he died on the cross to do. To save lives, to work in hearts, and to be the Almighty one who can change ANYTHING! This is His story are we merely living in it. He wants to hear our problems, he wants us to go to Him with pain, we truly cannot do it ourselves! So today take a leap of faith and surrender one of your problems to God. Completely let go of it and give it up to Him. See what happens! He has our best interest at hand. On that note…hope ya have an AMAZINGG God blessed day!

Heartless?

Heartless…like really? Out of all things you could possibly call me, heartless seems to be the one that hurts the most. To all who read this, or know me for that matter I would dare to say I’m a heartless person. Yeah there may be some things that I could care less about…aka cats! But that doesn’t mean that my heart isn’t fully capable of wrapping itself fully around something. And loving it to no extent! It hurts. Makes me feel like a bright blooming flower that just dried out and wilted. Like you were giddy like a kid then told something bad happened. Thats the feeling going through my stomach. I can’t help it that Im in no way attached to these kittens. Yes, as precious as they may be they are causing me more stress than desired. And on top of all that our lanlord is clueless that we have them. We’re required to pay a $250 pet fee and by just not saying anything we are slyly sneaking past that fee. Which usually doesn’t really shake or phase me, but for some reason I feel like I should tell him. Not to be rid of the cats…but I’m slowly trying to correct my life and fix the things that previously were holding me down. One of those things being shady and dishonest-ness. So by wanting to better myself, or say my spirit man…I am consequently hurting my roommate and her love for her kitten NorahMae. I’m so sorry to all my readers in love with cats, but I just can’t bring myself to fake it anymore. I have no attachment to Lola. Yes she’s my kitty, and yes I love her…but would not be sad to see her go. I just don’t care to deal with the whole cat mess anymore. Call me heartless? Sure. Go for it. Break me down however you’d like. I have Christ and thats the only one I truly need beside me anyways.

Hands Down.

Gosh! It’s been so long since I last talked to the vast unknown that we call the internet. So…on that note, hello to all! Its been a short while, but I have had a lot of amazing changes. First off i movedd out! Holla holla. Its only been 3 weeks, but best 3 weeks of my life thus far! Ha. It’s been liberating, exciting, stressful, and tiring all in one big sha-bang! The freedom to do whatever I want and whenever I want is glorious. But there is also the other side of the spectrum with bills, responsibility, work, and the whole becoming an adult thing. Ha so great! To be honest it actually has been pretty dang exciting! There have been a few underlying issues, starting to surface, but hopefully those little kinks will work themselves out and God will take care of it all! Secondly, I finally was able to go to church this morning and it was incredible! Not only did God move, but He moved in a way that required change. A change in me…in my heart. That overwhelms my life, my thoughts, and my actions. He wants better for me. Better for us! Hands down its been the most exciting slash best summer yet. And the coolest part is my life is just beginning!

Please stop.

I’m over it.
Im over all the questions.
I’m over you having to know where I am &what I’m doing ever second of the day.
Seriously.
I don’t mind keeping in touch….but you are asking too much of me.
If I’m not worried, you shouldn’t be.
If I say I’ve got in under control..
I do.
Please put half of your trust in me…not asking for much.
JUST HALF.
I have my head on my shoulders pretty well.
If you’d just give me a chance,
and stop.
I’m not used to being under this spotlight again.
It’s not fun, I dont enjoy life, and and Im having to watch every step I make.
No Mistakes.
I cant just go somewhere without you asking where.
I can’t just talk to someone on the phone without you asking who.
I swear, IM NOT HIDING ANYTHING!
my life is an open book.
And I’m willing to let you be part of my story,
but only if you let me be the one to write it.
please stop.
or else you’ll only push me farther.

It’s like a book.

From beginning to end.
It’s like book.
With an introduction, a middle, and an end.
Starts at one point on the line, goes up the hill, comes back down, and proceeds to just stop.
But there’s so much more than just that…
The drama, the juicy details, the happiness, the hurt.
You feel liberated at one point and depressed the next.
Life.
It rolls out exactly the same.
But in our story there’s this man.
Who never leaves the plot.
He’s there when you laugh, you snort, you get excited, and when you cant stop smiling.
He’s there when you hurt, you cry, you lie, and when you betray.
He’s watches you live, watches you encourage, watches you help, and watches you shine.
He watches you judge, he watches you hate, watches you burden, and envy.
All he wants is you, all of you! To hand over and let him mold.
His potter hands wants to make an AMAZING masterpiece of your story.
He knows our actions, our thoughts, our weaknesses, and our strengths.
And He wants to be there to guide us along the way.
As childlike as this sounds…there’s this light inside of me.
A light that doesn’t want to be smothered or put out.
But its little right now, barely able to keep lit.
Why is Satan so deceiving?
He sits, watches, and waits.
Till your living of the world, till your at your lowest, and lost.
And the thing is…you dont even realize it.
You think life’s great, that all is working out.
Your happy, your living, your going about life just like everyone else.
Except theres this little bit of unsureness.
You cant quite put your finger on it, but its there.
Yeah, thats Satan.
Saying “oh your fine”, “life’s great”, “look at all your friends”, “its just a pill, its just a boy, its just something to drink”.
Then you’re hooked.
Then you’re broken.
Then you’re hurt.
But then there’s God…
Who wants to see you happy, laughing, joyful, and living!
Living a life thats worth something, that you don’t have to think twice about!
Thats the way that I’m longing to live!
That simple, blissful, humble life.
It sure is hard, but I know He’s there to help me along the way.

ROUGH.

Honest to blog.
With finals here and school winding to an end, it seems that nothing wants to come easy. The family I live with left to the beach and I get to manage their kids to and from, back and forth, morning and night, meals, school, the whole sha-bang. CRAZY is an understatement. I feel pressured. I feel stressed. But I can only imagine everything that this family has to go through on a daily basis. kind of ridiculous. its always something. on another note though…me and my dad got into a fight. story of my life. so not too confident on moving back home now, but I guess we’ll just have to wait and see! i’ve given it to the Lord and its in His hands now. So if all were to go as planned,,,i’ll go home, mend that relationship this summer, spend quality time with my family, and make some lasting memories. snappy tomato is treating me well i guess. cant believe Im there for the second time in my working career. just lovely! oh and my boy situation sucks. non existent. blank. empty. doug is dumb & immature. why are guys so good at this game. ugh. makes me sickkkk! slash a new tattoo desire is rising up in meh. hmm, what to get and where to get it is now the question. im pretty sure I would like the verse psalm 145:20 all written out,,,just don’t know where. so exciting!!
SCHOOLS OUT!
SUMMER IS HERE!
LET’S GET ITTT!

FOREVER.

Who I wanna be and who I am.
two completely different people.
I seem to be stuck in the grey area.
I was always told that area is no good,,,
to  stay where I could be seen by others.
to be encouraged, to be loved.
why do I keep straying away.
I’m in LOVE with this man named Jesus.
he brings me hope. joy. peace. and love enduring forever.
who would ever ask for more?
I strive to live in the light of Christ.
to be like Him, to care like Him, to love like Him.
I’m trying my hardest to not fall.
only HE can give me strength.
its so tough at times.
but its those times that I’ve always come out stronger.
I tend to walk the narrow path.
it’s longer.
but I know it’ll take me to where I need to be.
it’ll watch over me.
like a guardian angel.
protect me from the fear.
my fear is the darkness.
I cant take it.
thats when I call His name.
when the lights are off and Im too myself.
to save me from this world.
it feels like forever.
but I know He’s there.
and I know He cares.
the morning will come soon enough.
and that light will shine so bright that everyone will see,
the joy in my heart that will forever be!

Pruned to Perfection.

So I’m in love with old people! Ha, for real though…just seeing old couples or even the ones who all already on their own, just makes my heart melt! The whole journey of becoming old kinda scares me though. The thought of being at the point in my life where I just pause, relax, look back on memories, and enjoy time with the grandkids,,,all my goals accomplished..Is crazy to even fathom. But at the same time, it’s kind of a sense of security. Knowing your at the point in life where (hopefully) you’ve done everything you wanted to do and you’re practically days away from heaven! Ahh, so exciting! Anyways…back to my point of this post. Three old ladies came into pei wei today all around the ages of 65-79 idk. Its hard to tell these days! Ha but the first lady ordered and went along her way to the table, the second lady was so precious, she was the oldest of the three and was so tiny and brittle. I literally could’ve thrown her over my shoulder and carried her home. Haha. She hesitantly and cautiously ordered thinking long and hard about each item she wanted and how she wanted it prepared. Which usually I hate, but GOD’s graciously been working in ME and changing my heart to be more patient! So in this case I was kind, still, and just tried to help her make the best decision possible. Once she was satisfied with the final order I rattled off the total and she seemed clueless. She wasn’t quite sure how to react to the total of 4.37 seeing as how off that whole menu all she wanted were two crab wontons and a cup of soup. She scrambled through her purse looking for some sort of payment, then the third lady in their party stepped up and said, “I got it mom, don’t worry bout it, you can just pay me later.” My first thoughts were awhh, that’s precious. A daughter who is then able to start repaying her mom for all she has done in her life by taking care of her. To shuffle the cards and swap roles seems to be such a gratifying experience. They begin to head towards their table very slowly, short small steps with arms wrapped around each others sides. As I start to greet the next couple in line, the third lady turns around and walks back to the cashier stand. I think oh no, I did something wrong or forgot something. She walked up real close and said, “thank you so much for your patience, I honestly don’t know one person today that has sincerely been patient with her. She was diagnosed with cancer an hour ago and the doctor said there was nothing that they could do about it. It was caught too late, so she’s really scared.” I was in awe. Eyes filled up with tears, and I don’t cry…it was so humbling for her to come back and tell me that. I watched along with the next couple in line as the old ladies  made their way to the drinks. For a moment I was so sympathetic and sad for the lady because her life will soon end. A statement like that can change so many lives! Not only the person it affects directly but also the people who surround that person. What’s even worse is that I was worried and overwhelmed by the fact that she was about to face death,,,not that she’s about to face Jesus! Like this is her moment, her judgment day, her happy or sad ending. Why is that not my first concern? If she knows Christ or not, or whether she knows that there’s a heaven and a hell. Instead of trying to pursue her relationship with Jesus like the Christ-follower I say I am, I stood back and watched her shaken and scared. I pray that God gives me a sense or urgency in moments like that, when literally every second counts!

PAUSE.

Stop moving. Stop the craziness. Stop following others. Stand strong. Stand firm. Stand up for everything you believe in. Start believing that you have what it takes…not just to change others, but to change yourself! Humble yourself enough to think that maybe God has bigger plans for us than we do for ourselves! Trust me. It’s hard to say, and even harder to do! I don’t want to live for this world any longer. My heart belongs to the one and only Jesus Christ and I want everything I do to be unto him! My actions, my words, my thoughts…all to honor and glorify His name. I want to play in the rain! To sing and dance in the rain. To twirl around like a little girl in a ballerina dress in the rain. Not just any rain though, grace like rain. Grace that falls down upon me and washes all my sins away! Like Jesus just showering me and covering me with His love. A Love that goes way beyond physical love though. An emotional love that goes straight to the heart and heals any wounds. A love that is eternal and never ending! That is there when you’re down and cant get back up. He’s there to pick you up and be your hands and your feet. To guide you in the way that you should go. To light your path! Just PAUSE. Stand there and be still. All He wants is for you and me to be happy! To give us everything we ever wanted! For us to have joy and peace and love! To be happy and shine that light for others to see! To spread like wildfire. Like a contagious plague that consumes us from the inside out! To live life for Him! Do it! I’m trying! So why not?

SCHOOL=BOYS=WORK.

Well howdy doo there! Wow. It has honestly been forever since the last time I blogged. But hope all is well with everyone! Soo…only 6 more classes and I’m through! Ahh! I’m so freakin excited! For those of you who don’t know me personally I’d like to say that I had a major meltdown a few weeks ago and almost quit everything! I was seriously on the edge of just giving up. When oddly enough my DAD stepped into the picture and encouraged me to keep going! Ding ding! Haha. But for real. It’s nice to have pride in yourself and that feeling of actually getting something that big accomplished on your own! Now>>>this is where school turns into boys! Ha. There was/is the guy last semester that I was really in to! He went to pellissippi and is a HUGE good ole’ Christian boy! LOVE IT. Yada yada yada, long story short I messed things up with him, BUT we are starting to hang as friends again! So who knows where that could lead! :) Then BOYS fade into work. AS ALWAYS! I’m kinda sorta interested in finding out more about this guy that used to go to my school! He seems to be fun, quirky, sweet, and a little sarcastic! Haha which is usually a plus! But I honestly don’t know what I should do! Eeeek! Why so complicated. I figure that the first boyyy needs to come back into my LIFE! Perfect! Plan resolved!

THE RING!

A ring can be many things! It could be a wedding ring, a peach ring, a ring like at the olympics, a ring like a telephone call, or in my case a purity ring! I was sitting in my room reading my english book for class when my dad made his way into my room and asked me to come into the living room when I had a chance. He needed to talk to me about something! Now when I hear the words, “I need to talk to you about something”, I don’t know about you, my brain begins to go into panic mode and thinks of all the things i’ve done wrong or possibly have lied about in the past few weeks! So even thinking that I would be able to finish the story I was reading was a joke. haha. I HAD to know what was going on. So I went into the room only to see my dad just randomly standing in the middle with his arms crossed, which usually indicates that he’s pissed. But no, he simply says look down. So as my eyes begin to work their way to the table I see a little black suede box. Automatically my brain thinks wedding ring! Ha Of course, what else do girls think about! I slowly open the box to see a shimmering shining ring. With 5 small simple, but perfect diamonds! I’m not the type of girl who likes the blingy and huge rings and earrings. No, no, no I’m much more of the simple down to earth kind of girl! Who loves a little pink here and there! :) But it is the most perfect ring I have ever seen! With VS diamonds the clarity is incredible and spectacular! With all this being said, I wonder why did he do this for me? Like me and my dad have never been on the best terms. We just don’t get along and always butt heads with our own opinions! So to think wow, what in the world does the Lord have planned for me and my family?! It says so much that he humbled himself enough to buy an expensive gift for me and to think how much he actually and truly cares! Craziness!

CHANGE.

Hello hello hello! So lately I just haven’t been in the blogging mood…sorry to all my three readers out there! haha. Life’s been crazy lately and time has succeeded in flying by! So just as an update love life=dead. ha. No boys for now, just me and Jesus! Which is completely okay with me. I think time is needed for me to get back in the loop with the J-man. Get my priorities straight and live the way that I should be! Today is going to be a fabulous snowy day! Perfect day for cleaning, doing some homework, and hangin with friends later at Quest! hoot. hoot. What could be better right?! Oh my goodness…so my doctor said I have stomach ulcers slash acid reflux and I have no idea what to do! Like eating wise….im clueless! It sucks so bad & I need advice on what to eat. Like what is there to eat when you can’t have spicy. dairy. nothing fried. no caffeine. no salty things. no chocolate. WOW! that leaves me with potatoes, rice, and peas. haha So peeps…this is point where you come in!

:: FEEDBACK! FEEDBACK! FEEDBACK! ::

LYRICS.

Silly boy get out my face, my face! The phone rings and she screams. Workin at the Super Eight. I put on for my city! South side. I’ll keep quiet till they see a difference! Please just don’t play with me, my paper heart will bleed! Psalm 73. So sick of envying the lives I see. My God’s enough for me! Take time to realize. Ima show’em Ima show’em. Truth isn’t far behind me. When I’m alone I feel so much better. I didn’t read in between the lines. I just want you close, where you can stay forever! You and me together, through the days and nights. Well this ain’t long way from star Mississippi. Sometimes the butterflies still get me. You win my love. Ya’ll ready for this? It’s another christmas song. The next ten minutes of my life were a blur. Guess I’m just a sucker for love. Baby you can do no wrong. Love me, love me, say that you love me! Dear friend, do you know which way the wind will blow? La, la, la, la, la. Lord of heaven and earth. Hold me tight, tell me I’m the only one! A thousand times a day. I’ve had enough of you. I never know what to say. How come everyone else seems so happy? I would be okay if it was saturday. Shoot out, ayy! You say you don’t know me. Nothing less and nothing more. After the music stops..what’s next. I surrender. Sweet Home Alabama. I feel like moving to the rhythm of your grace! He drinks, he smokes. I feel so untouched. Lord I lift your name on high! I turned on the TV, and that’s when she walked out on me. You can’t lose me. What hurts the most, was being so close! Havin so much to say, and watching you walk away! I feel like a woman. SO good, so good, i got you! I fell nice, like sugar and spice. Lean wit it, Rock wit it. Life is good, I can’t complain. She got a donk! You change your mind like a girl changes clothes. There are certain people you just keep going back to that’re right in front of you! I’m going up! Everytime I look at you, you always look so beautiful! Tempo has reached critical level! You make me feel outta my element. One, two, three, four, uno, dos, tres, cuatro! I know you want me, you know I want you! This concrete road used to just be dirt! Can’t waste time so gimme the moment! I never thought I’d make it past the milky way. SO much for my happy ending. Seems like just yesterday you were a part of me! Don’t let go, hold onto every moment! Feels like we made it. Makes us harder, better, faster, STRONGER! No rain. Oh it’s what you do to me. Hey there Delilah! I’m leaving,never to come back again! Down, down do ya thang! All the single ladies, now put ya hands up! Who’s gonna run this town tonight? Lights Flashing. Bring it back. 2 step. You would not believe your eyes, if 10 million fireflies! Tat, tat, tat, tat it up! Everybody sees it’s you. So where do we go from here? As we crawl, back to love. My goodies. Breathe in for luck, breathe in so deep. Mhmm whatcha say? You’ll be my american boy! You and me could write a bad romance. Just you and me moving at the speed of life into eternity. Feel the melody and the rhythm of the music around you. It’s your chance take my hand baby. It’s gonna be me you and the dance floor! Forever on the dance floor. All you gotta do is watch me, look what I can do with my feet! I waited my whole life for this one night! Forever. Forever. Forever.
This is me at my best of being bored! WOW! ha.

boys…

Boys, boys, boys! My oh my! haha. Gotta love ’em right? Eh. No thank you! Why are they so weird, hard to figure out, complicated, needy, a-hole’s, hard to get, pushy, emotional, distracting, hott, sexy, ugly, nerdy, short, tall, muscular, irresistible, and most of all the most popular thing on the market these days! Go get it girls! Sometimes i wonder why I was put on this earth…maybe to find the perfect guy, fall in love, get married, have gorgeous babies, grow old together, die together, and spend rest of eternity with Jesus together! :) haha. If only that’s how it went down! I think this day in time it goes more like…put yourself out there, fall in love with a boy, get hurt by that same boy, back & forth, dating not dating, cheating, forgiving cause you don’t want to lose what you feel comfortable with, get married, divorced, re-married, and then die feeling empty cause we let too may guys run over us like we’re something that can be used then thrown away! Sad day right? It’s the truth. Honestly, we might be here to serve our one and only Savior, Jesus Christ, and our goal should be to bring others closer to him through the way we live our lives and reach out to people in need! Once all that is accomplished it seems like God decides to drop some amazing guy into our life like a reward, if you must, for what you’ve done for Him. I’m looking at this situation in so many different ways! haha. Just go along with me here. If your not following him like we know we should…he eliminates EVERY single possibility of you ever having a man. dumb! i had this wonderful guy…that I’ve talked about in previous posts…who loves jesus and truly cared for me and who I am as a person. Let me remind you I’m a little in over my head cause we’ve only hung out ONCE! like one on one at least. So, I decide to make the idiotic decision to kiss this complete random, but cute, guy that one of my friends is friends with! ha. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! and then thought it would be smart to be honest and tell the wonderful guy that i made this lovely decision to kiss someone else. STUPID! ugh. so here i am. bored. sitting on my bed. alone. in silence. wondering what the heck to do. i have apologized to the wonderful guy…and haven’t really talked to the cute random one. The wonderful one said he just needs time…and the random one wants to hang out again. What to do, what to do!
Any advice?!

Time.

Time is a matter of life. Between eating, working, and sleeping 3 days have gone by. Wow. Crazy how time catches up with you like that! This year has been a whirlwind of adventures with time being a minor essence in it all! Senior year was the highlight of my life and i would relive it any day. Friends. Laughter. Boys. Teachers. Football games. Painting up. Late nights. Sleepovers. Hang outs. Sonic. Finals. Graduation. Then summer came…and in a blink of an eye everyone was sitting in rows next to new people listening to a foreign voice talk about the rules and expectations of their classroom. Let me just tell you that before summer even started my transmission went out…STORY OF MY LIFE! haha. So i went from may to august with no way of transportation what so ever! Thankfully I have friends who love me and have my back. With the help of my friends i somehow made my way around to any social event going on, or any party in the making. It was fabulous! Surrounding myself with best friends that could make me laugh by just making a funny face was the life. Inside jokes. The Lake. Happiness. Wake boarding. The Dock. Red Bull. Laying out. Being tan. boys AGAIN. haha. Rocket Summer. Dashboard Confessional. Windows down. Windblown messy hair. Popsicles. Sunshine. Slushies. Jammin with the music turned all the way up! Walking everywhere barefoot. And going in places with little clothes and just a bathing suit. Don’t you just wish papers and due dates didn’t exist! That life :: PAUSED :: for just a second! Look at some of your summer pictures…think about everything that was happening in that moment! And the one shot that you’re looking at is just a glimpse…a pause if you will…at that time in your life! Time, seems to be the key note here. Be happy! Enjoy time while it’s still in your hands. For you to control any was possible. Make the best of every moment! EVERY MOMENT! As the new year comes take a look back and turn it all around! Change your life in a way that will change you!
Kiss slowly, Laugh loudly, Love deeply, Forgive quickly, and Thank God EVERYDAY for your many blessings.

HAPPINESS.

I have come to the conclusion that life=living in the moment! Yeah it’s always nice to plan before hand….or to be prepared and always on time. But that’s just not my forte. I have learned these past few days that i’m not making the best of every moment and letting little things bug me when it’s really not a big deal. Like pet peeves, or however you spell it, are a different story. haha. But honestly why get mad over something that’s not even gonna matter when we’re dead? Or hold grudges on people when it’s seriously pointless! I say lets all forgive and forget! Yeah? yeah! sounds like a deal to meh! Jesus, Laughter, and being spontaneous is what i’ve been living for the past few days and it’s been incredible! INCREDIBLE I TELL YOU! I don’t know why i didn’t have this epiphany sooner! It’s the best new thing since potato chips! haha. So…there’s this boy. Who i happened to meet through my best friend & quest! If you don’t know what Quest is lemme explain! It’s not some weird online world of warcraft kinda thing…cause that’s just weird! ha. Sorry to all you readers who enjoy that kinda stuff. It’s just not my kinda thing. Anyways, it’s a young life event that’s held once a week for college students. Ya know, to try to keep God first priority in our lives since our schedules are so hectic! It’s your typical socialize, worship, game, and sermon! fabulous. I’m getting side-tracked here…so i met this boy! haha. i think i’m actually starting to like him! :) which is not how i roll. ha. I’m much more of the independent type who has never had a boyfriend. “Talked” to a bunch of boys, yes! but never dated them. So for me to like someone enough to even think…what if we dated? is CRAZYY! ahh, idk. Maybe i’m just thinking way too much into this when he doesn’t even give it a second thought. So yeah…i’ll get back to you on how it goes from here!

this IS life.

wow. i have been up for 4 hours now and nothing has been accomplished. whoo hoo! i need to finish christmas presents. write some letters. give my dog a bath. go pick up my brother from school. and yesss…clean my room! haha. then after all that commotion is over with i get to work 5 to 7:45. what a pointless, and i mean pointless, shift! like really. come one managers, you can do better than that! then christmas tonight with the good ole’ family. hoot hoot. can’t wait!

What you call A MESS!

ta da! look what i can do!