The Color Red.

The past couple years my favorite color’s been red.
To me the color of joy!
Not like a deep burgundy red, more like a bright cherry red.
I just couldn’t get enough of it!
My old bed sheets were my first red purchase.
And each day it was like a burst of happiness!
…wondering if that was the secret to always waking up in a good mood! ha.

But now the color red.
The color of love, romance, and lust.
Has a whole new meaning to me…
It’s sweeped the isles of walmart, target and kroger.
And has definitely weaseled its way right into my heart.
Trying to act like I dont care about valentines day is a lot harder than I expected.
Yeah I can fool anyone at work, being one of the few who voluntarily signed up to work valentines night….might I add that I may have actually been the first one on the list! Awesome, lets make some moneyy. But really. Lets talk about a heartache. Im the lonely girl who everyone knows boyfriend left her here in knoxville while he went off to spain for five months. Sweet. Throw me a pity party pleasee. But seeing all the cheezy boxes of chocolates and balloons and roses. I always end up walking out with tears welling in my eyes.

(why couldn’t God have just made me a boy) Really. No periods. No emotions.

To know i’ll be all alone on valentines just working my butt off to make everyone else’s evening perfect makes me sick to my stomach. Especially while my boyfriend is a million miles away in a beautiful romantic city probably having a lovely sweet wine filled evening with his friends. Once again,,,someone please cue the sad sarcastic sobbing audience behind me.

I just don’t know how well this is all working for me. Distance is not my thing. Nor will it ever be. And to consider long terms here. I dont know if I can marry an INTERNATIONAL business major. That means lots of traveling!! And where I would hope that would mean lots of traveling for me too…I have a gut feeling that means a lot of him traveling and me alone. And not gonna lie, that doesn’t sound too great to me!! At all.

So with nothing else to do with my time but drink coffee and knit…..but honestly.
I’ve been running/walking a lot in the neighborhood with LanaRae. And I have to say this has been pretty great for me! I was already a lover of walks, especially since I realized it was vital for my canine companion. But it’s now become a routine. Allowing me to get the daily exercise I’ve been needing and also allowing lana to get all her bottled up energy out! But I’ve recently started leaving my ipod at home. And its been so dang pretty outside, I’ve just wanted to take it all in. Cheezy, yes. I know. haha. But the sundown against all the houses and trees, is so amazing! It feels like God is right there with me!! So with no music slowly but surely making my hearing worse, I’ve started to battle with my own thoughts. Wanting to clear my head and breathe in the fresh air, while also letting a million new thoughts and questions all bombard me at once.
Seeing all the pretty perfect houses makes me want a family more than anything! Anything in the entire world!!! I want a man who’s my best friend, who loves me for me and nothing more, who wants to be there for me when I’m sick, and there to wipe my tears when I’m sad. I want someone who’s happy when I’m happy and laughing right along side me. I want a man who wants to give everything they’ve worked for to raise a family right! I want a man who wants to be a father!! Someone who wants to play tea with their little girl, and throw a football with their boy! I want a husband who puts his family first. Who tucks his kids in with a bedtime story and a prayer…with me right there in the bed with them! I want that smile. That pure and selfless happiness! I want to be a wife! I want to make meals for my husband when he gets home, and have crazy passionate sex! I want to take trips together and enjoying chilling on the couch together just the same! I want to be a mother! Someone who gives with nothing expected in return. Someone who loves unconditionally and prays without ceasing! I want a swing set in the backyard where I can push my kids in the fall while watching my love grill dinner right next to us. I want a family. Soooo bad.
Life’s too short and goes by too fast. I’m afraid of missing my opportunity. I’m afraid he may not want all the things I want. I’m afraid he may not want them when I want them.
All I can do is have faith.
That this is God’s plan and he knows my heart.

I’m just so scared….

left out.

So I live with this family. Not my immediate family. But close friends of mine. Ya know, to get me on my feet. Not underneath my parents thumb anymore but at the same time sturdy enough to try and live life independently. Amazing family! So funn all the time. Never a dull moment. UNTIL today. I feel so bummed. Emily had a really good friend of hers come into town its coincidentally Andrews dad’s birthday. So it’s gonna be a crazy fun day…for everyone, but me. Everyone picks something to do and then they all go do everything! It’s one of the greatest ideas that I will continue to live up after I move out! Well poor pitiful me had to work at 4 so automatically thats half the day thrown out the door. And on top of that I told emily that I would clean her house today. Something that she allows me to do to earn some extra bucks. So when she said hey you sure you don’t wanna come?  Knowing me and my perseverance I wanted to get it done and over with and clean her house like I said I would. Stick to it. Not be a floozy. Work before play. Right? That way the house would look nice and clean for when they got home. Absolute and utter FAIL. One…schuyler(little boy who lives here) came home to take a nap. Leaving me to have to be quiet=no vacuum=nothing getting cleaned. Fabulous. Then once he wakes up, I try to and rush and clean everything in detail before they all get home. This is me…sweating! Awful. so once they all get here pretty much everything is spotless. I try and run to the shower to clean up before heading off to work counting the seconds till I had to leave. Go downstairs only to find A MESS! smudges on the piano, which literally takes 10 minutes to clean all in itself. toys all over the floor. crumbs in the kitchen. trainwreck. It feels like everything I did was pointless and nothing looks nice anymore. Whatever. Its life. I go to work. Haulin it! Walk in late. Pei wei is slammmmmed. As always. Nothing out of the ordinary. Cranky people. Rude people. Impatient people. Along with the occasional funny person. So at this point my mind is wandering off into space. Thinking of all the things I’m missing out on. All the funn that they are having without me. This is me feeling left out. Finally get off work. Go to the oh so wonderful loaner car (which is like a 94 caravan) HA joke! get in the car and call emily! they’re finishing their last activity. oh well. my life sucks. i’ll just go back to the house. get to the house and the babysitter meg(also a friend of mine) is there. So Im like hey you can go ahead and leave, I’ll be in for the night so you can go do whatever ya want. What does she do?! Goes to meet emily, andrew, and mackenzie for dinner. Ha at this point I hate my life! I want dinner! I want friends! I’ve been left out ALL day. Now sulking.  I’m just throwing my own pity party here. Just trying to get all this hostility out. Its no big deal. really. I’ll be fine. Just sucks.