Listen while you read!
So be prepared.
It’s been way too long…
It feels like today took forever to come. And then before I knew it, it was here, ONE YEAR. I have officially been dating my boyfriend one year! And yet it feels like a century. It’s been an amazing, crazy, smile filled journey that I wouldn’t trade for anything! I truly love this man of God with all my heart and can’t see my life without him.
Which scares me more than you’ll ever know.
A year ago today I wasn’t like this. I had my head on my shoulders with no one but myself to worry about. With no cares, no stress, no crazy emotional me. And now…here I am jealous, dependant, fearful, and full of emotions. Gosh I dont know what to do with myself! Im not as confident as I used to be, Im not in church as much as I’d like to be, I have no friends to fellowship with, and I feel like I need ryan to be with me or I fall apart! I dont like this me! I like independent me. Well not like single me, but the way I acted and carried myself when I was single. And Im sure ryan would that me more too.
Just sucks. I need help. I need Christ. I need friends. I love ry with all my heart and cant wait until we have a future together, but for right now i think living next door to each other is hindering our relationship. Just having one another always there gives no room for missing each other, or wanting to see each other, or that desire to do anything because we’re a wall away. This being my first relationship Im still getting my toes wet, and everything im doing is laying down new ground thats never been traveled. So I feel like I never got the story book side. Where I get picked up for dates, and left little sweet notes, and presents for no reason. Now I know im probably being completely foolish and selfish, but sometimes I feel like our living situation has taken that away from me. Which is my own fault.
Hopefully God has this all in His plan, and His timing! Because I surly don’t know what to do! But for now…Im giving it all to Him. Surrendering and handing all I have over to Him. I no longer want to worry or be scared. I want to live free in His glory and joy. I want to hold my head up with confidence and take in every moment I’m given!
Gosh, I’ve just been showered with blessings these past couple days! SO much has changed. For better, for worse…I’m loving it all! God has started moving my life in this new direction that has truly been AMAZING! School is going along smoothly and work is…well work is work! ha. For some reason its been so dead. Idk if people are just starting to eat healthy or dont have the money to go out, but its not looking too good for my bank account. Ha sad day. On the flip side though there is this boy. :) Unlike any other boy that I’ve come across. Crazy right? I thought they were all the same. He’s been sweet,caring, thoughtful, observant…im sure I could keep going. But i’ll save you the time, who wants to hear all that mushy nonsense. Ha not me…thats for sure. But somehow i’ve gotten over that wall. A lot of walls actually. It’s crazy how i’ve only known him for like 2 weeks and it feels like years. I’ve been so happy!! I can’t quite seem to wrap my head around what it is that gets me. His personality, his looks, his charm? But when I’m not with him I get so excited to be with him, then the second I’m with him I’m nervous. Is this how all this works?! That turning in your stomach that wont go away. Haha. Its definitely different, but a good different! Im used to having this empty feeling, like playing a role that leads to a dead end. And now that road is like boundless compassion. I can feel God walking beside me through this, it all seems to feel so right. But at the same time my flesh wants to be scared. Scared of getting hurt. Scared of feeling alone. Scared of allowing someone else to know me. It starts to make me push away, creating distance. I’ve noticed small things that are slowly starting to change though, which has been awesome! It feels so good to not care and just let go. But I dont want to lose control. I like being independent. Not having to respond to anyone. Its more of a pride thing. I can straight up tell you that my pride is definitely up there! It has a mind of its own and does what it wants. Kinda scary. I know I need to lay that down, but its so hard. To humble yourself before Christ and give it all to Him. Thats what we do with prayer isn’t it? Why is it so complicated for me to do it with my life.
The worst thing in my life right now, okay maybe not the worst, or even close, but the most discouraging attribute that I have noticed in a lot of my friends right now is something that I would like to refer to as an empty smile. I wouldn’t say it’s something that they can necessarily control, but it’s definitely something that when you look at them you think, “hmm, I wonder what’s truly hindering this person from genuinely caring” or maybe they just could give two flips. That they were never a true friend to begin with and it was a fecad this whole time. I’m not too sure what is going on in these guys and girls lives, but it’s definitely not Jesus Christ. I’m so thankful that I’ve been shown that I am nothing with out Him and that he lives through me! That this body of mine, here on earth is just a vessel. A vessel to shine His light in this gross dirty filthy world. That when I struggle, it’s not my struggle. It’s His. That if I have completely given everything to Him, and let go of any burdens that I have been holding in, that he will take care of it all! It is now His burdens, and His struggles, He has thankfully and graciously given His live to save mine! Wow! Truly amazing! Haha. But back to the empty smiles…I want to show my friends this new found love that I have encountered! These friends that look around in rooms full of people striving for a desire to belong. A desire to be wanted in this needy world. And it’s so true! We have been given this desire to be desired by Christ. He wants us to want Him to where He can fill us up! But instead these people are looking towards worldly material things and people to fill this “hole”. So here I am, with my friendly courteous attitude that wants to put 110% into these friendships of mine, and am only receiving about 35% back. Not okay. I mean some people may not notice those kind of things or even care, but if you honestly want a true friend then I say it’s bout time to fill these empty smiles with legit joy and happiness from the one true God!