Bliss.

This is, happiness!
The season. The friends. The love of my life!

Here’s to 2014! Everything feels so surreal! I have a great job, although I’m still serving in a restaurant…it’s a job, and I make great money! I have great friends who are there for me…whether it  be to vent, to go out to dinner, to go to the dog park, to go get sushi, to catch up with, to have rainy movie days, to dye our hair, or to cut my hair! :) They are there. and I love them! I have a great family, both mine & his! Both there to support me in any endeavor I may find myself in, path I may be strolling down, or jump I may be risking to take. They are there ready to encourage, support and challenge me! And of course I have a great boyfriend! One who loves me no matter what. Who is there to meet my every need (the simple needs of a girlfriend that is) haha. Who tells me I’m beautiful and still seems to sweep me off my feet. One to lay in bed with on a cold afternoon and watch the Lorax. Or to go out and have a fun filled day out and about. One who likes to take me out, and opens my door for me! One who snuggles up close and kisses me softly! One who is patient and loving and kind enough to explain every little part of football, even when I still don’t seem to understand what’s going on. The guy who loves to make me breakfast in bed and wants to take my dog to the park! The guy who makes me smile uncontrollably and laugh with total abandon. Is this real life?? How did I end up this blessed! Trying new things, cooking new things. This is today. This is me. This is my life! And I couldn’t be more grateful!

This is, bliss.

TO BE.

Smile every chance you get.  Not because life has been easy, perfect, or exactly as you had anticipated, but because you choose to be happy and grateful for all the good things you do have and all the problems you know you don’t have.

-Unknown.

This week=crazy!
My expectations have been shattered!
The Lord has done and shown me so many things this week!

I feel loved. I feel whole. I feel NEW!
Sunday is the beginning of the new week.
And my week started with all new wisdom! Wisdom about who I am in Christ, who I wanna be in Christ, and what I want to be for ryan in Christ! To be so blinded by the fact that ryan is gone, I almost missed the biggest picture that God is trying to lay out before me! A picture that will not only help me in this time of need and strengthen our relationship, but strengthen ME!! Wow…hope you’re comfy and settled in a nice little spot, cause this make take a hot second!

So at first I was mad. I was sad. I was angry.
That God would put me in a situation where the (ONE PERSON) who makes me the happiest is a million miles away. With no way of meeting my expectations of always being happy.
FAIL. FAIL. FAIL.
This is my epiphany.
The light bulb that shot off fireworks.
One Person.
He is just one person.
And that my friend, is not right nor fair for anyone!!
I can’t believe I’m the one who was pushing him away, ME!
SINCE WHEN!! Was I this person??
Never in my life have i been a DEPENDENT person.
Never.
And the word itself makes me cringe a little.
Maybe that’s why…maybe that’s why I’ve never fully given all of myself to Christ. The fear of being completely dependent on ONE person. But yet here I am, a person who was depending on one person to make me happy! Ridiculous.

So (whoo hoo) step one admitted.
I’ve been so unfair to completely rely on ryan to make me happy.
Which in the end will just smother him and distance us.
I know, like distance is even a issue right now….
but really, for the long run of our relationship! It’s only gonna make us stronger!
And I honestly have already seen a change, not only in the situation but in me!
I’ve been hanging out with all my friends more, working my butt off, and loving my park days with LanaRae!
Every day has been Christ and Christ alone!! Depending and trusting HIM FULLY every step of the way! I wouldn’t be able to do it without HIM!

Step two, getting into a community. A christian group of people who I can fellowship with and who challenge me to grow stronger in Chirst! Sunday I went with my boyfriends mom to a bible study, hesitant…I was. But OH MY GOSH was it amazing!!!!! Even though the majority of the ladies were married it was such an incredible time of fellowship and digging into their current book, TIm Kellers, The Meaning of Marriage. And even though I’m not married yet…I will be one day and everything they were talking about were things I can apply to my relationship now! Which gets me so excited for the future!! I want to be there spiritually for my husband, and lift him up to God, and encourage him everyday, and challenge him in his walk with Chirst!
Ahhhh!!!
Can you tell I’m excited!!!
God could not have shown up more than He already has! Wow.

So step three, starting to re-mend my relationship with my dad.
Everything is a lot better than it was, and I love my dad
BUT
For now we’re just gonna skip this step….
I still have a lot of praying to do.

Step four, moving out.
Now this has been quite complicated.
But Im just gonna have faith that if this is God’s plan then it’ll all work out and be just fine.

In the motion.

So one month down.
Gosh how I wish I was there.
The beauty. The stillness. The essence. 
Maybe one day i’ll be blessed enough to take it all in,
but for now just hearing about it will have to suffice.

So I kinda feel like I’m just going through the motions!
Work. Eat. Dog Park. Eat. Sleep. 
hahah. good stuff.
I’ve actually been taking little adventures with lanarae!
One day we got up early and went on a little walking trail down the street, and then another day we took a trip to the lake and walked out to the pier and they have these cute little benches. It was so peaceful, but very freezing!! Holy moly knoxville is cold. Ha. So ready for spring and summer to get here! Tan skin, skirts, tank tops, windows down, ice cream, pool days…ahh what could be better! In knoxville that is. 
So thankful for family these days!! The love and encouragement to keep my head up and stay strong has been so amazing! I don’t know what I’d do without all the support! But really,, I’d probably just roll over and die. haha.
My mornings are getting back to consistency. Waking up each morning with my cup of joe and Jesus Calling devotional with lanarae against my side have been some of the best spent minutes in my life right now! I couldn’t ask for happier moments!
Ryan is still having an amazing time in every moment of spain! I can tell how happy he is, and how he jumped straight into their world and made it his. It’s amazing to see how embracing a culture that beautiful can start to change someone! In all his pictures he truly looks happier!! But he’s done such an amazing job of capturing his life in spain and putting it into words for us to see and feel the bigger picture, almost as if we’re there too!
Check it out at http://mwalke59.wordpress.com/

So I decided to venture out into the party scene last night and man was that a bad idea. For all of ya’ll who know me and my personality. This is definitely not it. ha. I think sometimes I try too hard to be something I’m not. To try and fit a mold that wasn’t made for me. Last night showed me a lot. I woke up feeling stupid, dumb, empty, shameful, and belittled. Just from drinking! I didn’t do anything bad, I wasnt illegally drinking, and I didn’t do anything that I’d regret…and yet I still woke up regretful! I think I’m done with drinking, ha forever. Minus my occasional strawberry daiquiri, its just not for me. Those people look happy and act like they’re having a good time when really it’s just a whole bunch of emptiness! Like the point where people can’t control their thoughts and actions and four beers down and they’re loose and crazy with all moral boundaries out the window. Thats what scares me. The devil is sneaky. And will find a way to ruin anything good in my life. And I can’t believe I almost gave the opportunity to do just that. Drinking for me is like leaving the door open for him to come right on in and mess everything up. Thankful I had angels lookin out for me and nothing bad happened. But the thought that it could have makes me so mad at myself! I’ve had Christ next to me every step of the way this past month and then one night could’ve ruined it all. Who am I?? 
But today’s a new day and Im so happy for that!! Superbowl sunday and the whole family is together enjoying each others company! So great!! The only thing that could make this day better is if I had my man right next to me gettin our football sundays on. ://

Three more months.

THANKFUL.

fear |fi(ə)r|
an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that
someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

PSALM 145:20
The Lord watches over all who love Him,
but all the wicked He will destroy.

fear to me is a lot of things…
Lets start with right now.
Right now I’m currently all moved in with my grandparetns. And by all…I mean I have some closet space, a place to store my food, a bed, and my LanaRae! Now not throwing my self a pity party , but it’s definitely not how I imagined the rest of 2012 would go. But that’s when I have to remember that this is not in my hands anymore, it’s in Gods. And I’ve been so blessed to have a family that’ll just let me crash their lifestyle for awhile until I can get back on my feet again. What scares me though…is what’s gonna happen next? What’s my next move gonna be? Where’s it gonna be? Who’s it gonna be with? At this point I literally have no answers, and that to me…is scary! I’m the type of girl who likes to have a plan. All figured out and set in place. But God is slowly starting to break me of that. Little by little He is doing things that MAKE ME rely on Him, and put all my trust in HIM! Which has been honestly life changing! I know all this change happening so sudden and so fast wasn’t too convenient for the worldly side of me, but Im so happy at where I’m at now that I’ve given God full control! I’ve been a happier person, and definitely more JOYFUL! And I feel the spiritual side of me feels so much closer to God now than I have in a really long time! Now I can’t let moving take all the credit, me and my boyfriend finally got back in church and he has been amazingly persistent on staying strong and putting God first! Keeping me accountable on living a God-centered life!

So we’ve been dating for over a year now and it’s been amazing!! Obviously no relationship is perfect (which I know I still can’t get through my head sometimes) but for what we have and what we’ve had….it’s been pretty darn close!! Despite the struggles, up and downs, and emotional sometimes crazy me I wouldn’t trade it for ANYTHING. I love that boy with all my heart and have had the best times I’ll never forget with him! He can make me laugh harder than anyone else and smile bigger than my happiest days. I never really understood dating until now, but being moved apart from living right next door has opened my heart to giving him his space and that space not being a bad thing. Before I thought if we weren’t together something was wrong. But im (slowly) realizing how relationships work, and how sometimes he may just want to be to himself, or want to hang with his friends. Its really hard, only because I feel like were going backwards rather than forwards….but I feel like once again it’s in God’s hands and this is what’s meant to happen. That starting off fresh and “going backwards” a little is only helping us to go forward stronger!

So that leads me to fear in the future..
So I’d say I’m starting to get a hang of giving ry his own time, his space. But here in the next month and a half he’s bout to have A LOT of spacee!! Erg. PAUSE. Let me begin my saying that he has been given a once in a lifetime amazing opportunity to study abroad in spain! Amazing, right?! I could not be happier for him to get to experience Spain! It’s culture, it’s heritage, it’s beauty, it’s views! All the people and the the food! Gosh I couldn’t be more jealous!!! And all while still going to school over there to study what he loves! It’s literally perfect! the only downside……………..it’s. five. moths. Five whole months!!!!! Of being away from me!!  Oh yeah, this is where I get scared! Now I get to be a little selfish (just a little). What the heck am I gonna do for five months?!!! I mean I know I’ll find stuff to occupy myself, maybe. But I won’t get daily communication. I wont get to hug him, kiss him, wrap my arms around him! No watching a movie snuggled up into him with his warm body against mine! No date nights. Literally no physical love. Ugghh. I need his fellowship! Im sure it’ll fly by. And I have lots of family, mine and his, who are all here to love on me while he’s gone….but it just sucks. And the worst part is he’s gonna be way too busy to care. I know he does, but Spain is just going to envelop his everything and become his new life. I’ll just be outta sight outta mind. :/ now i know five months will be forever for me, but for him it’ll seem like nothing! Im happy he gets to stay long enough to really get a grasp and enjoy spain after the initial awe of it all!

So to all you out there reading this, please pray!! Pray for me, pray for him, pray for our relationships with Christ, pray for safety in spain!