The Comparison Trap.

Always wanting what I don’t have.

Healthy…no. But true.
It’s hard to not get caught up in the whirlwind of one thing after another.
One minute it’s the new iPhone, and in a blink of an eye I have a pup, an apartment, and a basket full of bills. From one thing to the next. And boyyy is it addictive.
A worldly standard at its finest.

And for me, it starts to envelop and weave its way into every little aspect of my life. From something as simple as the way I dress and the color of my hair. Then leaping forward to comparing my relationship status to someone else’s. Most recently I’ve been sucked into this rapid river of lies. The way we spend are free time, the way we’re seen by others, the pace of our relationship. Talk about putting us in a box and sucking all the air out! But having since come to this epiphany, I think I’ve taken a couple steps back and really looked at what I have, where I’ve been, and where I’m striving to go. I can honestly admit that patience is my worst virtue! I mean I just straight up suck at it! Haha. And of course it seems to be fit that patience is one of the key components to love!

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” 1Corinthians 13:4-7

This is what I desire. To be this for him in any and every way! Day by day I’m proven how much my man really does care. How much he loves me, cares about me, and wants to be my best friend for the rest of our lives! He’s been building his trust back from ground up. A whole new foundation and a really a whole new person! He’s affectionate, he’s kind, and responds instead of reacting (for the most part that is) But I can also take fault for losing my temper every now and then! ;) It’s the little kisses, the “i love you’s”, the snuggles for no reason, the flowers, the dinners, the encouragement and man oh man the support! The way we work out problems and overcome struggles. The way we’re growing in Christ and building towards our future! It’s just truly been an incredible and overwhelming past 3 months. Only looking toward all the blessings yet to come! Yah yah, so why worry right?? I guess it’s just the little girl inside of me that’s scared of the past. Scared of “what could happen”. But in no way is that healthy, for me or for us. So here’s to what’s to come, a toast! All the smiles, the laughter, the joy! The rough times, and the hills. I’m ready to take it on with a new perspective. A more positive trusting perspective. I’ve chosen to forgive and look towards the happily ever after I’ve always wanted for us. I know the day is coming, at least I really hope so! Haha. I just gotta be patient and let him do his thing! It hasn’t been easy and I’m sure it won’t get any easier, but I’m ready to take on that challenge. To me it’s all worth it!! Im so ready to take a back seat to God! To give Him full and total control! He has blessed me with SO much up to this point. The least I can do is just trust Him and have faith it’s all in his timing.
A Christian standard at its finest!

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The Color Red.

The past couple years my favorite color’s been red.
To me the color of joy!
Not like a deep burgundy red, more like a bright cherry red.
I just couldn’t get enough of it!
My old bed sheets were my first red purchase.
And each day it was like a burst of happiness!
…wondering if that was the secret to always waking up in a good mood! ha.

But now the color red.
The color of love, romance, and lust.
Has a whole new meaning to me…
It’s sweeped the isles of walmart, target and kroger.
And has definitely weaseled its way right into my heart.
Trying to act like I dont care about valentines day is a lot harder than I expected.
Yeah I can fool anyone at work, being one of the few who voluntarily signed up to work valentines night….might I add that I may have actually been the first one on the list! Awesome, lets make some moneyy. But really. Lets talk about a heartache. Im the lonely girl who everyone knows boyfriend left her here in knoxville while he went off to spain for five months. Sweet. Throw me a pity party pleasee. But seeing all the cheezy boxes of chocolates and balloons and roses. I always end up walking out with tears welling in my eyes.

(why couldn’t God have just made me a boy) Really. No periods. No emotions.

To know i’ll be all alone on valentines just working my butt off to make everyone else’s evening perfect makes me sick to my stomach. Especially while my boyfriend is a million miles away in a beautiful romantic city probably having a lovely sweet wine filled evening with his friends. Once again,,,someone please cue the sad sarcastic sobbing audience behind me.

I just don’t know how well this is all working for me. Distance is not my thing. Nor will it ever be. And to consider long terms here. I dont know if I can marry an INTERNATIONAL business major. That means lots of traveling!! And where I would hope that would mean lots of traveling for me too…I have a gut feeling that means a lot of him traveling and me alone. And not gonna lie, that doesn’t sound too great to me!! At all.

:Sidebar:
So with nothing else to do with my time but drink coffee and knit…..but honestly.
I’ve been running/walking a lot in the neighborhood with LanaRae. And I have to say this has been pretty great for me! I was already a lover of walks, especially since I realized it was vital for my canine companion. But it’s now become a routine. Allowing me to get the daily exercise I’ve been needing and also allowing lana to get all her bottled up energy out! But I’ve recently started leaving my ipod at home. And its been so dang pretty outside, I’ve just wanted to take it all in. Cheezy, yes. I know. haha. But the sundown against all the houses and trees, is so amazing! It feels like God is right there with me!! So with no music slowly but surely making my hearing worse, I’ve started to battle with my own thoughts. Wanting to clear my head and breathe in the fresh air, while also letting a million new thoughts and questions all bombard me at once.
Seeing all the pretty perfect houses makes me want a family more than anything! Anything in the entire world!!! I want a man who’s my best friend, who loves me for me and nothing more, who wants to be there for me when I’m sick, and there to wipe my tears when I’m sad. I want someone who’s happy when I’m happy and laughing right along side me. I want a man who wants to give everything they’ve worked for to raise a family right! I want a man who wants to be a father!! Someone who wants to play tea with their little girl, and throw a football with their boy! I want a husband who puts his family first. Who tucks his kids in with a bedtime story and a prayer…with me right there in the bed with them! I want that smile. That pure and selfless happiness! I want to be a wife! I want to make meals for my husband when he gets home, and have crazy passionate sex! I want to take trips together and enjoying chilling on the couch together just the same! I want to be a mother! Someone who gives with nothing expected in return. Someone who loves unconditionally and prays without ceasing! I want a swing set in the backyard where I can push my kids in the fall while watching my love grill dinner right next to us. I want a family. Soooo bad.
Life’s too short and goes by too fast. I’m afraid of missing my opportunity. I’m afraid he may not want all the things I want. I’m afraid he may not want them when I want them.
All I can do is have faith.
That this is God’s plan and he knows my heart.

I’m just so scared….

Week One.

So.
Here we are, day seven.
To those of you reading and unaware, my boyfriend left for Barcelona, Spain for five months. He was blessed beyond measure with an amazing opportunity to study abroad in such a beautiful country. Taking classes at the university while embracing every second of the culture. The only downside to this whole sha-bang, is that he is there…while I’m still stuck in the states.
TRAGIC, i know.
But since he’s been gone I’ve had the opportunity to take a closer look at who I am, where I’m going, and what I’m striving to be. It’s almost as if Christ has planned this all out perfectly in HIS timing! Not that I would ever want ryan to leave me again like this or will I ever let him, haha. But since I have no choice and he’s already gone I might as well make the best of it and grow. Ryan being gone has allowed me to really lean on God and have faith and trust that this is all in His timing, His will, and its His plan.
CAPITAL. CAPITAL. UNDERLINE. NOT MINE!!
I have to surrender my everything and hand it over to him. He never intended for me to worry, stress, or be fearful. He would never want me to be sad or alone. But those are all the things that keep running through my mind. The devil has yet to give up and wont back down. But Im putting up a fight and he will not win.

Day seven. And not a day has passed without crying myself to sleep.
Even though I’ve been walking every step of the way with Christ, it still hasn’t gotten any easier that he wont be back tomorrow. Emotionally my heart has gone crazy. Now I’m usually not an emotional girl, I like to think I have some pretty tough skin. Especially for all I dealt with with my dad growing up. But gosh has this destroyed me. It’s pretty easy to go through the day without thinking about it or letting anyone know how bad it hurts. But then when I head home and just sit in my room still and alone…that’s when it hits me. And all of a sudden my strong hard exterior becomes a puddle of tears around me. Now I know this is just because he just left…but honestly he is my everything!! Besides Christ and my family , I want to one day marry this man and consider him a huge part of my life! He means the world to me and always will!! He makes me laugh and brings me joy. He knows how to cheer me up and make me smile. He has been so considerate and loving. So seven days has felt like an eternity apart.

So where he’s being distracted by new places, new food and new people…I’m still stuck in the same ole same ole routine. Minus him! ha. So a bunch of holes where he used to be or where we used to do things. Lovely. But like I said I feel like God has given me this opportunity to really get my own self straight before me and ryan continue on to grow stronger in our relationship. So I’m really gonna focus on my friendships, old and new. I want to re-mend old friendships that I stupidly pushed aside and I want to branch out and make new friendships with girls who can keep me accountable and have similar personalities to mine! And with ry being gone I have no other choice! haha.
SO other than all that…I picked up an extra job so I could stay busy and just focus on making some money and gettin myself a new car and apartment. Wish me luck that I dont go crazy! Ha. Im trying my hardest to have FAITH and TRUST!

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SEVEN.

Seven days.
The amount of space i have between now and when my man boards the plane headed off to Barcelona, Spain!
I can’t believe it’s actually here. To be honest these days were never actually happening in my head. I figured something would go wrong or the t’s wouldn’t be crossed. But here we are. Seven days. All the t’s are definitely crossed and he’s been so blessed to have nothing go wrong with this trip! What an incredible semester he is going to have!! I’m so proud and excited for him to get to enjoy and embrace everything about Spain. It’s a once in a life time chance to get to study and live in another country and I’m so happy he was able to make it all happen!
At this point I’m over being sad. This is obviously part of a bigger plan and if God wants us to work then this will barely be a speed bump! I pray for us. I want to trust and stay strong. I want to let him enjoy every moment and not be crazy! I want to let him do his thing and hope to be a part of it. He will most definitely be missed!!

I just don’t wanna be forgotten…

To Shine.

Well headed back to good ole knoxville! Goodbye greensboro, thanks for giving us the pleasure of walking your streets, eating at your cutee little diners, and bring us together with our long lost friend Anthropologie. Gosh its just been a little too long since we had seen each other and it was a nice embracement and exchange of goods. I gave her money and she gave me new kitchen goodies! Ahh, so excited! We’re about halfway home and Im already ancy to see my man and my little girl LanaRae!!!! Me and my best friend tay miss our feline companions (AKA best friends/real people) SO MUCH! Time couldn’t go by any slower than it already is! Oooh and just for those of you who haven’t received your tax refunds yet…and still waiting…let me tell you hope is still out there! I JUST received mine (3 weeks later) and gosh is it JOYOUS! haha. Im so excited to finally be able to afford to get things done that have needed to be done. A couple being, a new prescription of contacts&glasses, my LanaRae getting spayed (Eeeeek!), and a much needed oil change! ha. Gosh living the life, i know! But other than the necessities…shopping spree HERE I COME!!!! Urban all the way babyyy! Being my signature store I spend at least a solid $300 buckaroos a year there! A simple treat to myself of course. But me and my boy are hopefully gonna be heading to good ole nashville this week sometime to get some goods! Cant wait! Umm, in other news…we have found a house! Ding ding! Maybe not “the one” but pretty darn perfect for a start! So looking forward to what God has planned for all of us! When there’s a will He makes a way! I trust Him to open the right doors and close the wrong ones! Hmmm, oh and for ya’ll who know my new years resolution…my february’s dinner was a huge success!! Even I liked it! haha. But for march Im struggling with ideas of what to make! It has to be chicken and involve no other meats. So if ya know of any amazing recipes please share!! ope ya’ll have an AMAZING rest of this beautiful sunday and talk to ya soon enough!

Hidden.

I feel like I did something wrong. Like I don’t deserve any of this. It’s all a dream, it’ll go away eventually. Why did it start out the way it did, why couldn’t he yave been single? Why, why, why. It hurts. He looked so much happier before. And I ruined that. Like I always do. I get in the middle of people and destroy what was a perfectly good relationship. Or I end up doing it to myself. I get in this mode of thinking and start to hold back. To fade away. To hide, stay hidden. If you loved someone so much before how could you possibly love someone else half as much. You don’t have that much to give. It sucks. Idk what to think. I need to stop. Take a deep breath. And enjoy what I have right now..in the moment. Stop over thinking. Stop worrying. Just relax! It’s in God’s hands. If its not meant to be it wont. If he didnt care he wouldnt be here still. I guess its just cause this is all so new to me. None of this has ever happened before. The comfort, the security, the compassion. Its incredible, and its what God intended to be here on Earth as an example of His love for us. But its so hard for me to allow it…still! ughh. so annoyed with myself. At times i’ll let go. Let my guard down, have fun, be funny, laugh, smile, enjoy myself. Going with the flow. Then out of nowhere I freak out. Cold feet. Scared. What if it doesn’t last. Bam. That’s when God slaps me right in the face and says “uhh hulloo, ya gotta just trust!” Trust that everything happens for a reason. Even timing. Yahh, easy for you to say, you know whats gonna happen!