The Color Red.

The past couple years my favorite color’s been red.
To me the color of joy!
Not like a deep burgundy red, more like a bright cherry red.
I just couldn’t get enough of it!
My old bed sheets were my first red purchase.
And each day it was like a burst of happiness!
…wondering if that was the secret to always waking up in a good mood! ha.

But now the color red.
The color of love, romance, and lust.
Has a whole new meaning to me…
It’s sweeped the isles of walmart, target and kroger.
And has definitely weaseled its way right into my heart.
Trying to act like I dont care about valentines day is a lot harder than I expected.
Yeah I can fool anyone at work, being one of the few who voluntarily signed up to work valentines night….might I add that I may have actually been the first one on the list! Awesome, lets make some moneyy. But really. Lets talk about a heartache. Im the lonely girl who everyone knows boyfriend left her here in knoxville while he went off to spain for five months. Sweet. Throw me a pity party pleasee. But seeing all the cheezy boxes of chocolates and balloons and roses. I always end up walking out with tears welling in my eyes.

(why couldn’t God have just made me a boy) Really. No periods. No emotions.

To know i’ll be all alone on valentines just working my butt off to make everyone else’s evening perfect makes me sick to my stomach. Especially while my boyfriend is a million miles away in a beautiful romantic city probably having a lovely sweet wine filled evening with his friends. Once again,,,someone please cue the sad sarcastic sobbing audience behind me.

I just don’t know how well this is all working for me. Distance is not my thing. Nor will it ever be. And to consider long terms here. I dont know if I can marry an INTERNATIONAL business major. That means lots of traveling!! And where I would hope that would mean lots of traveling for me too…I have a gut feeling that means a lot of him traveling and me alone. And not gonna lie, that doesn’t sound too great to me!! At all.

:Sidebar:
So with nothing else to do with my time but drink coffee and knit…..but honestly.
I’ve been running/walking a lot in the neighborhood with LanaRae. And I have to say this has been pretty great for me! I was already a lover of walks, especially since I realized it was vital for my canine companion. But it’s now become a routine. Allowing me to get the daily exercise I’ve been needing and also allowing lana to get all her bottled up energy out! But I’ve recently started leaving my ipod at home. And its been so dang pretty outside, I’ve just wanted to take it all in. Cheezy, yes. I know. haha. But the sundown against all the houses and trees, is so amazing! It feels like God is right there with me!! So with no music slowly but surely making my hearing worse, I’ve started to battle with my own thoughts. Wanting to clear my head and breathe in the fresh air, while also letting a million new thoughts and questions all bombard me at once.
Seeing all the pretty perfect houses makes me want a family more than anything! Anything in the entire world!!! I want a man who’s my best friend, who loves me for me and nothing more, who wants to be there for me when I’m sick, and there to wipe my tears when I’m sad. I want someone who’s happy when I’m happy and laughing right along side me. I want a man who wants to give everything they’ve worked for to raise a family right! I want a man who wants to be a father!! Someone who wants to play tea with their little girl, and throw a football with their boy! I want a husband who puts his family first. Who tucks his kids in with a bedtime story and a prayer…with me right there in the bed with them! I want that smile. That pure and selfless happiness! I want to be a wife! I want to make meals for my husband when he gets home, and have crazy passionate sex! I want to take trips together and enjoying chilling on the couch together just the same! I want to be a mother! Someone who gives with nothing expected in return. Someone who loves unconditionally and prays without ceasing! I want a swing set in the backyard where I can push my kids in the fall while watching my love grill dinner right next to us. I want a family. Soooo bad.
Life’s too short and goes by too fast. I’m afraid of missing my opportunity. I’m afraid he may not want all the things I want. I’m afraid he may not want them when I want them.
All I can do is have faith.
That this is God’s plan and he knows my heart.

I’m just so scared….

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Heartless?

Heartless…like really? Out of all things you could possibly call me, heartless seems to be the one that hurts the most. To all who read this, or know me for that matter I would dare to say I’m a heartless person. Yeah there may be some things that I could care less about…aka cats! But that doesn’t mean that my heart isn’t fully capable of wrapping itself fully around something. And loving it to no extent! It hurts. Makes me feel like a bright blooming flower that just dried out and wilted. Like you were giddy like a kid then told something bad happened. Thats the feeling going through my stomach. I can’t help it that Im in no way attached to these kittens. Yes, as precious as they may be they are causing me more stress than desired. And on top of all that our lanlord is clueless that we have them. We’re required to pay a $250 pet fee and by just not saying anything we are slyly sneaking past that fee. Which usually doesn’t really shake or phase me, but for some reason I feel like I should tell him. Not to be rid of the cats…but I’m slowly trying to correct my life and fix the things that previously were holding me down. One of those things being shady and dishonest-ness. So by wanting to better myself, or say my spirit man…I am consequently hurting my roommate and her love for her kitten NorahMae. I’m so sorry to all my readers in love with cats, but I just can’t bring myself to fake it anymore. I have no attachment to Lola. Yes she’s my kitty, and yes I love her…but would not be sad to see her go. I just don’t care to deal with the whole cat mess anymore. Call me heartless? Sure. Go for it. Break me down however you’d like. I have Christ and thats the only one I truly need beside me anyways.

INSERT HERE.

The pressure to have titles is killing me. To have a boyfriend. To have a fiancĂ©. To have a husband. What’s the point. Everyone’s giving these temporary people in their life their all. With nothing left for the one who they’ll be with in the end. Such a worldly mess. So I try and weed out all the jerks, the cocky ones, the immature little boys. Which should leave me with the sweet, caring, kind ones right? But no…it leaves no one. The bad boys are too cool to ask and the good boys aren’t smart enough to ask. For the rare few who do decide to take on the risk and ask,,,I always decline. Just my personality. Why do I push boys away. I want someone (let me rephrase) I need someone who will be persistent no matter what. The ones who wanna get close I only push farther. They become distant and that’s when I long for them more. Its all a game. Win or lose. A challenge if you must. With obstacles left and right. It will all be coming together perfectly like a puzzle at one point. Then the next is a jumbled up word puzzle that impossible to unscramble. Emotions are careless. They have no true definition. The moment, the action, the words, are what define true emotions. And why base a relationship on an unsure thought. A foundation made of sand. Its dumb if you ask me. Just live life. Don’t tie yourself down to one person. Forget titles. Screw labels. Have funn and test the waters. That way you don’t wind up hurt in the end. Alone and hopeful. Lifes not always handed to ya on a silver platter. Just gotta live loose. No strings attached. No heart breaks. Puzzle solved. Game over!